Grief Awareness Week - My experience with grief

The theme for this year's Grief Awareness Week is 'to open conversations and normalise grief'. Grief has always been a taboo subject; people regularly walk on eggshells around those experiencing loss, particularly in the workplace. It’s one of those subjects which can become much easier to discuss after first-hand experience with it.

I lost my stepdad in 2019 following a road traffic accident. Before this, I always felt like I ‘handled’ grief quite well. Most people who know me will know I’m very pragmatic...The previous loss I’d experienced saddened me, but I could always see that the person had lived a long and fulfilling life and accept that it was their time to go.

Losing my stepdad was completely different. One day he was there, then he wasn’t. My family and I spent a week holding onto hope as he laid in a hospital bed but unfortunately his injuries were too catastrophic to survive.

Grief is a very personal and unique journey for everyone. For me, I went straight back to work the next day, I wanted to keep busy and not think about it. My manager and team at the time were great and I felt truly supported. Despite my best efforts to push it aside, grief still found me. I would be washing the dishes, something he always insisted on doing when he visited, and I would burst into tears. My eyes would well up if someone suggested having ice cream because that was his favourite, safe to say I got some funny looks in restaurants when asked if I wanted to see the dessert menu.

The cliché realisation that life was too short hit me, I became quite selfish and distanced myself from some of the people I cared about. Grief also made my tolerance to people complaining very, very low - all the mundane everyday life experiences that we all complain about are hard to listen to when you feel like your life has just fallen apart.

Grief is a very interesting process because it will really solidify the relationships you have with some people, and breakdown the relationships you have with others. I was really lucky, the most important people to me let me handle my loss exactly as I handled it with no judgement. They never knew what to say - how could they, they’d never experienced loss like that, but the ones who mattered were there.

Time passed and it became easier for me. My grief didn't consume me anymore and I could look back fondly on the memories I shared with my stepdad. Although, as the days went by and I stopped thinking about him every day, I felt like a bad person for not thinking of him as often. You really can’t win!

3 years later I do still get pangs of grief, it usually happens when I’m driving alone and all of a sudden, I’ll have this wave rush over me of ‘wow I’m never going to see him again’. I still find myself looking out for him walking along the pavements of the places I’d usually see him. One of my biggest regrets in life is never having a photo taken with him. I’m quite open about that regret now but it took a long time to admit it. It's also probably the reason I'm that annoying person who wants photos of everything and everyone now!

Ironically, I did gain a lot from my loss. I eventually became a lot more grateful for the people in my life who I love. I became a lot more willing to wear my heart on my sleeve because life really is too short to not say how you feel. I also became a lot less worried about what people thought of me, something I struggled with quite a lot when I was younger.

I was always quite reluctant to talk about my grief because I didn’t want people to pity me. I hated that look people would give and the awkwardness of them not knowing what to say. I always wanted to appear strong and like I was handling it - a pressure created only by me.

But I tell my experience of grief because it’s really important to talk about it. Because most people will experience it in their lifetime. Because most people will struggle and feel lonely at some point in that journey. Because the more it’s spoken about, the easier it will be for people to ask for help and the easier it is for others to approach the conversation with the person experiencing loss.

However you experience grief, it's really important to have a support system. Whether that's friends, family or a professional, finding people you can talk to as you go through a rollercoaster of emotions is key to accepting and coping with your loss.

Equally, if you know someone who is currently experiencing loss, please reach out to them and offer your support. You can find how to best approach those conversations through The Good Grief Trust here.

Tony - What I wouldn’t give to hear you laugh again! The world is a much quieter place without you in it ??