Greta Thunberg and the Global Asshole Dilemma: Why We Need Unified Assholery to Save What's Left of the Planet.

Ah, Greta Thunberg—climate crusader, teenage powerhouse, and, according to some corners of the internet, the reason Thanksgiving dinners worldwide now come with a side of passive-aggressive eye rolls and tense turkey carving. You’ve got to hand it to her. She’s managed to rally millions of people around the globe, shake her little fist at world leaders, and remind us all of our collective ineptitude—all while maintaining the facial expression of someone who just found out the Earth’s thermostat is set to "Broil."

But let’s be real: Greta isn’t just dividing humanity into pro-environmentalists and climate deniers. No, no. She’s unintentionally attacking a critical demographic that we, as a species, need to survive: the assholes. That’s right. I said it. We need assholes. Sure, they’re a bit much at the office holiday party, and they tend to double-park their Teslas, but in the grand scheme of things, assholes have a purpose.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: How dare you! (insert Greta's iconic voice here). But hear me out before you yeet your reusable coffee cup at my head. Every functioning society needs assholes—not because they’re nice, but because they’re the ones who get stuff done while the rest of us are busy squawking. You see, regular “good” people are great at holding hands, planting trees, and writing strongly-worded petitions. But it’s the assholes who are running companies, steering governments, and bulldozing through bureaucratic sludge with the determination of a honey badger on Red Bull.

Sure, we hate them. But let’s not kid ourselves. We need them. They’re like kale. Nobody actually enjoys the taste, but it keeps the societal arteries clear.

The Role of the Asshole in Modern Civilization

Picture this: a world without assholes. It’s all sunshine and rainbows and “live, laugh, love” posters as far as the eye can see. Everyone’s agreeing on everything, holding community drum circles, and picking up trash from beaches. Sounds nice, right? WRONG. Because behind the scenes, there’s no one saying, “Okay, hippies, enough with the ukuleles—how do we pay for this beachfront clean-up?” There’s no one leveraging tax loopholes to funnel billions into research and development. There’s no one shouting, “No, Karen, you can’t power New York City with fairy dust and positive vibes!”

The truth is, the assholes—the CEOs, the lobbyists, the world leaders who smile at Greta’s speeches and then hop on their private jets—are the ones running the infrastructure that lets the rest of us have the luxury of caring about climate change.

Do they suck? Of course. They’re insufferable. But they’re insufferable and necessary. Like sandpaper toilet paper, they’re rough, but they get the job done.

Greta’s Fatal Flaw: Forgetting We’re All One Big Asshole

Here’s where Greta’s anti-asshole rhetoric goes a bit sideways. She’s out here dividing the assholes from the good guys as if the world is some kind of Marvel movie. In her vision, assholes are the enemy, and only the pure-hearted can save the planet. But the problem is, Earth isn’t a superhero movie. It’s more like a dysfunctional road trip in a car with a check-engine light that’s been on for 30 years. And guess what? We’re all in it together—good people, assholes, and everyone in between.

What Greta needs to realize is that assholes can’t be eliminated. They need to be recruited. If we can harness their relentless ambition, their shameless audacity, and their utter lack of concern for anyone’s feelings, we might just stand a chance. Imagine if Jeff Bezos, instead of aiming to colonize Mars, decided to put all his money and resources into saving Earth. Or if Elon Musk, instead of tweeting questionable memes, focused his chaotic energy on reversing climate change. Assholes, when properly motivated, are unstoppable forces of nature.

The key is unity. We don’t need assholes versus good people. We need one big, unified global asshole—a single, collective determination to plow through the climate crisis together. Let the good people dream up the solar panels and wind turbines; let the assholes figure out how to make them profitable and scalable. Let’s all ride this burning ball of rock into the sun as a united front, because at this point, it’s not about who’s right or wrong—it’s about survival.

The Future: One Asshole, Under Climate

So, how do we accomplish this beautiful vision of unified assholery? First, we stop with the us-versus-them rhetoric. Second, we recognize that being an asshole isn’t a fixed trait—it’s a situational superpower. And third, we remember that at the end of the day, every single one of us is a little bit of an asshole. That’s right, even you, dear reader. Don’t believe me? Think back to the last time someone cut you off in traffic. Exactly.

Greta, if you’re reading this (and let’s face it, you probably aren’t, because you’re too busy saving the planet), let’s find a way to bring the assholes into the fold. Get them on your side. Instead of demonizing them, weaponize them. If we’re going to save humanity, we need all hands on deck—and yes, that includes the ones flipping us off from their yachts.

Because at the end of the day, we’re all assholes. And if we’re going to ride this planet into the sun, let’s at least do it together. Preferably with a solar-powered engine.