Greif and Loss

Grief and Loss

This week has already been a hard one, one year ago this was the last week of my mother’s short life! She was 65 years old, and we felt like we had forever left with our Mother and Nana. But Cancer had different plans for her. She had been experiencing Migraine headaches – not that that was unusual for her but in a more frequent and inhibiting manner, after trying for a while to get her an appointment my brother called in some favors, we were able to get her in for an MRI and we found out her brain was full of cancer. She was diagnosed on the 4th of March and left this world on the 19th. My dad the other day at the gym (I have been blessed with the opportunity to take my dad to the gym in the mornings with me the last couple of weeks) said this was hell week a year ago and I could not agree more. It still seems like hell week as the one-year anniversary of her passing is coming up. It is amazing to me how we as humans process and deal with grief and everyone in their own little way. I still will tear up when I think of my mother, all she did for us and watching her struggle and not being able to do anything to help the person in my life that was always there to help me through my struggles.

I had always had the self-belief that death was something I would accept and not struggle with when it was time for people that I loved to leave this world but the last couple of years have taught me that everyone struggles with loss and grief, and that being tough about it may not always be the best option, and that quite moments alone in tears can be therapeutic.

My wife and her family lost her oldest sister to ovarian cancer just a year before my mother passed away. My mother's comment to my wife when my mom was diagnosed was “I am so sorry you have to go through this again.” For my wife to deal with grief she just doesn’t think about it which I am not sure is the healthiest of way. For my in-laws they will do little activities and visits to their daughter's grave. For my father staying busy seems to be his best mode of dealing with the loss of his best friend and companion of 48 years, and for me I am not sure, it seems to be a combination of busy, and quite moments alone, there are days that seem normal and then days when you really need that person and they are not there, I just think it lessens as time passes.

We have some dear friends that just in the last 6 months had their 17 year old son pass away, they had known from a young age that he would not walk this earth for long period of time, I look at the way they have handled this passing in amazement and yet I know of their grief and struggle as much as one can from being close to them and trying to be there as a support.

Grief and loss change your perspective on life, when you lose someone that is close to you, I think you finally realize how fragile and precious your time with people you know, and love can be. For example, I used to drive by my parents in the last couple of years and think “I should call mom and take her to lunch” but then I would say “next week I really need to get going.” Today I don’t miss an opportunity to call my dad and just say hi and would not pass on an opportunity to eat lunch with him. It has changed my thoughts on who I spend my time with and making sure to call someone when I feel the internal nudge to do so. They are lessons in life that unfortunately as much as we are told and cautioned, we learn the hard way, and that is because until you experience true grief and loss it all seems like someone else’s issue.

As much as grief and loss can cause you to curl up and forget everything else, you can take those things and utilize them to make you a better human. If we take the feelings we have and they create positive change in our lives, make us more away of the things that are important in this life and the next then the passing of those we love is not in vain.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss my mother and all that she was to our whole family, but I have taken that experience and realized that I don’t want to look back when others in my life that I care about pass and wished I would have loved more or done more. I know try to seize those opportunities or make time for them. I don’t know that you ever get over your grief I think you just find ways to move forward and bring more joy in your life to help process it.

Life changes every day that is one thing I am certain of, how we face each day and what we do with the moments we have is what can make them better. In the last 7 years I have lost 3 grandparents, a sister-in-law, my Mother and the passing of a young man that always had a smile on his face no matter how he was feeling. I have changed careers, been sued-which is still ongoing-, gained a better relationship with my family, and experienced things I thought I never would. I have lost money and made money. Lost friends or people who I thought were friends and gained better friendships. From these experiences the best advice I can give is the following.

Make the most of what time we have here on this world, Love those close to you, surround yourself with those that make you a better person, take the time to know your children and those you are close to, and most importantly take the time and use it wisely, we only have so much of it, we all have the same 24 hours its what we do with it that counts.?