The Greatest Gift You Can Give This Holiday Season... To Yourself: Forgiveness.

Why Is It So Hard to Forgive?

We’ve been using this tagline, “Why is it so hard to forgive?” in our marketing efforts for my newest single, "Father's Garden." This question resonates a lot for a few reasons: 1. It is hard to forgive, 2. It shouldn’t be that hard to forgive. We often overcomplicate the act of forgiveness because we don’t know exactly where to start. I’m a big proponent of forgiveness because I’ve seen it transform my own life and the life of others. It’s often the best medicine for the soul, and the greatest thing about it is that it is free! Few things in life are free that derive such substantial benefits.?

So, why is it so hard to forgive?

I recently started reading the book on forgiveness from Katherine Kennedy titled, “The Gift of Forgiveness.”?

From reading the short stories included on forgiveness in her book, and using examples from my own life, I’ve outlined why it is so important to forgive, some truths about forgiveness, and a few ways to enter the forgiveness process.?

Why Forgiveness Is So Important

• Forgiveness is a gift that we give ourselves. It is a conversation between you and yourself rather than another person. It is letting go of the offense and all residuals from it—anger, bitterness, shame, condemnation, rage, etc. Freeing ourselves of these emotions is the best gift we can give ourselves.?
• Forgiveness is an act of self-love. Often, it is the result of healing past wounds, traumas, etc. When you start to focus on yourself and work through your pain, rather than focusing on the other person(s), things often fall into a place that makes forgiveness possible.?
• Choosing forgiveness allows us to take our power back and free you from the grip that the offense and offender have on you. It is easy to get trapped in a victim mentality when you don’t allow yourself to forgive. By participating in the act of forgiveness, you are doing something completely for yourself. You are no longer powerless. It’s a decision you get to make wholly and completely. You get to rewrite the story. You get to reframe the narrative.?

• Forgiveness gives you back time. When you forgive, you stop spending time dwelling on what hurt you in the past. Don’t sacrifice the present—or future—for a past that cannot be changed. What has been done is done. You can choose to not continue reliving it.?
• When you show love and compassion, you open yourself up to new experiences. Loving and showing compassion to someone who has wronged you is much, much harder than hating them. Hating, anger, bitterness leave you empty and swollen inside. Continued hatred does not leave you open to new experiences because all you have to hold onto is the past offense.?
• Forgiving others creates a ripple effect. Those that have extended the branch of forgiveness and receive that compassion learns to extend it to others so that they are empowered to let go of any pain they might feel. It creates a more harmonious world.?

Truths About Forgiveness

• Forgiveness is a journey. It takes time and that’s ok.
• Forgiveness is a process, and often a lengthy one. Give yourself grace if it takes some time to truly forgive. And like grief, it may come in waves. You think you’ve forgiven and then realize that you’re not quite all the way through the process yet.?
• The process to forgive is complex and different for everyone. Everyone has a different path to walk toward forgiveness. It is individualistic.?
• Forgiveness comes in stages, and those stages are often not linear. Forgiveness ebbs and flows like grief; sometimes you’ll hit one stage, backtrack to another, and then head forward toward a new stage.?
• It is okay to not be ready to forgive. Forgiveness comes when you are fully ready and may not happen for months or years after the incident occurred.?
• Forgiveness can feel impossible. Whether you don’t think you have the capacity to forgive or if you don’t think the other person will accept it, forgiveness often doesn’t feel achievable. A simple mindset shift can help you feel like it’s within reach.
• Forgiveness can feel vulnerable. You feel like you are opening yourself up to future pain by choosing to let go of the past. In reality you are opening yourself up to future joy and contentment by no longer dwelling on past offenses.?

• Forgiveness can be uncomfortable. Our brain, body, mind, and spirit often hold on to negative emotions that “protect” us from getting harmed again like resentment, bitterness, and anger. We use these emotions as a way to cope and find comfort. But these can be the very things that cause us the greatest harm in the end. We cannot move forward in life healthfully if we hold onto toxic baggage. Letting go can feel like a Herculean task, but completely worth it if we can do it.
• Unforgiveness can trap you, not the person that created the pain. You won’t believe the number of folks I’ve heard say that the unforgiveness was only hurting themselves. By not allowing yourself to forgive, you end up trapping yourself in your own prison.?
• Saying, “I forgive you,” does not excuse the offense, or validate it. It does not make it okay or make it disappear; it just frees you of its negative grip on you.?
• You can still honor the hurt and the pain by choosing forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t erase the past, but rather allows you to live in a new present state and future.?
• Forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. Inviting people back into our lives is not necessary and can often be detrimental. There is a clear distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation.
• You can forgive without the other person ever hearing it. Face-to-face forgiveness is not a necessity and in some instances can never happen if the person is deceased.?
• You have to drop any expectations you have around forgiveness. Don’t paint a sunshine and roses picture of what will happen next. The apology you have been waiting for may never ever come. But also don’t be closed off to what could happen next. One of life’s greatest joys can come from forgiving another human being.
• Forgiveness has a different meaning for everyone. Forgiveness for one may be different for another.?

• People’s reactions to being forgiven may be different. One person may have been waiting for forgiveness for all of their lives and another person may be thinking that they have done nothing wrong to have to be forgiven. Remember that we all view events through our own lenses, so don’t expect that someone will take kindly to your outreach of forgiveness. Again, forgiveness is a gift you are giving yourself, not the other person.
• Others might be preventing you from going through the forgiveness process. You may need to move away from folks that are not allowing you to forgive and want to see you trapped in the past offense.

How Can We Start To Forgive?

• You have to be intentional about your choice to forgive.? It’s not very popular to forgive. In fact, our natural inclination (and status quo) urges us against it. It’s much easier to use unforgiveness as a protection mechanism by connecting with others and keeping them on our side.
• Accept what happened so you can confront the offense and the offender. Living in the hope that it could be different traps you in that past, so it’s best if you accept what happened and move toward forgiveness.?
• Take stock of your role in the offense. Ignoring your contributions and placing blame solely and squarely on another person is easy and makes us feel validated but to truly forgive, you have to ask yourself, “What was my responsibility?” “What can I change about myself now having gone through this?” Using this event as a growth opportunity can be an ancillary benefit of forgiving but you have to be able to confront yourself to get there.?
• Forgiving yourself is often a step in forgiveness. We only know what we know and only have that information at the time, when in fact, there is a greater picture than the lens that we may be viewing it through. You can’t beat yourself up for something that happened which you never saw coming and your unawareness of it.?
• Give yourself permission to let go of the offense. Sometimes we want to dwell in pain because it is comfortable but we don’t need to make that the norm.
• Forgiveness is often a muscle that needs to be exercised. Sitting in forgiveness just a little each day opens up the path to making it commonplace.?
• Remove judgement from the offense to humanize the offender. Often we see the offender as the offense rather than a person. Stripping away this dehumanizing factor can help to build empathy and forge a faster path to forgiveness.?

• Try to remember a time that you’ve hurt someone else and when someone forgave you of your trespass. This little reminder that we’ve in some way all been forgiven once helps us to put ourselves in the shoes of the offender.?
• Don’t continue to throw the offense in the offender's face after you have forgiven them. It should be let go. If it is still lingering, then perhaps there is more work to be done.
• Properly direct your energy and focus for the results you desire. If you choose to dwell in anger, hurt, pain and resentment, you lose out on the opportunity to create something new, powerful, and beautiful.?
• Channel any negative emotions into something positive.? Use the anger, bitterness, and any other feelings tied to unforgiveness as fuel to create something positive, like writing a song to help others. This can be a great first step in the path to forgiveness.?
• Remember how your actions can influence others around you. People take note if you forgive, especially children. Teaching children the path to forgiveness gives another meaning to it and can be a reminder to you to practice what you preach.?
• You no longer feel negative emotions when you hear the person’s name or see their face. One way that you may know you’ve fully forgiven is upon hearing the person’s name, seeing their face, or being in their presence, feelings of betrayal, heartache, anger, frustration, etc. no longer surface. Those feelings no longer have the power to negatively impact your emotional state.?
• Give yourself grace throughout the process. You may want to forgive but the timing isn’t right. This can make you feel frustrated, like wanting something you cannot yet have. Search your heart and try to understand what you are still holding onto that is preventing you from forgiving. The process can take a lot of time and healing so don’t get discouraged if it takes longer than you anticipate.

I know for me, the journey toward forgiveness of my father was not immediate and it took the presence of a higher power to get there. I was called by God to forgive my father, and a few others, in the year I call “the Forgiveness Train.” You do not need God to forgive but in my experience having faith certainly helps smooth the process along and give meaning to the experience.?

As we approach Christmas, please give yourself the greatest gift imaginable, one that will outlast many tangible items: Give yourself the gift of forgiveness.

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Michelle Rhea Goddard?is a techie turned Americana singer songwriter based in Nashville. You can follow her adventures on?Instagram,?Facebook?and?YouTube; and read more of her musings on her?blog.