Be a Great Significant Other

By Lindy Earl

People have told me that they are a great boyfriend or girlfriend. Many men have told me that they are great because they are gentlemen. When I ask why they claim the title they say it’s because they open doors for ladies. Um, being a gentleman takes more than being a doorman.

I know women who think that they are great girlfriends because they cook and help with household chores. It seems to be that they have list in their minds of what makes a good girlfriend, and if they can check off the list, then bam, they deserve the title. It takes more than cooking to be a good girlfriend.

Relationships are about feelings and communication and caring, far more than a to do list. What does it take to be a good Significant Other? I think, and I dislike this answer but it’s true, that it depends on the individual couple. For some people, mannerly behavior and domestic abilities may suffice. In those actions they can communicate their care and love for one another. That’s great.

I do believe that there are some commonalities you will find in all great boyfriends and girlfriends. First, physical attraction. Sorry, but I think a relationship is far more difficult if the couple doesn’t find each other attractive. Let’s acknowledge the truth of that. We look for looks. It’s okay.

Another important attribute of boyfriends and girlfriends would be good listening skills. ?Listening requires you to stop talking. I have a friend who will ask me about my day, but after half a sentence he is off and running about his day. He would lecture me on topics even though we both knew where we stood. He was not a great listener. He wasn’t even a great friend, in retrospect. I doubt he’s a great Significant Other for the same reasons.

I think a great Significant Other is truly, genuinely interested in their mate. If you make every conversation about yourself and share your opinions all the time, are you showing care and compassion for your partner? I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone like that.

Wait. Are we just creating a list of attributes, when I just wrote that we don’t want a check list? I am acknowledging that there are commonalities in good boy/girlfriends, but I think the better question to ask is not, have I checked off the list, but how do I express these characteristics in my relationships?

Are you intentionally asking your partner, even if we’re talking about a business partner or roommate, are you asking them about their day, and truly showing your interest?

How are you showing your support to your mate? Are you trying to fix a problem that they share with you, or are you being the good listener and letting them know that you care and will be there for them, when they decide what to do?

Have you learned your SO’s love language, so that you can show them that you care in ways that are meaningful to them? Bringing flowers to a person with allergies is not loving behavior. The more you learn about your SO, and their likes and love languages, the better partner you can be.

It’s easy to reduce our positions to lists. Your job has multiple lists – lists of qualifications you needed to get hired and now lists of tasks you need to complete. You probably have a to do list each week, probably day by day, of meetings to attend and projects to complete. You have running lists of household chores. So it may come naturally to reduce our relationships to a list of attributes that we can check off.

Similar background? Check. Close enough to see one another regularly? Check. Remembers important dates? Double check. Shows interest and concern by asking about their day? Absolutely. Given sufficient check marks on a regular basis, we declare ourselves to be good Significant Others.

Then why is the divorce rate and break up rate so high? Where is the disconnect? Again, it goes back to the individual couple. One person needs a lot of space, the other needs constant validation and attention. Neither is good or bad, they just have to find the right person. One person is fine with once a week dates while the other needs daily time together. These are both great people, but their needs simply don’t match. ?

I think, intrinsically, we are all good, even great, Significant Others. Not because we have manners or check off a list. The majority of people I meet are thoughtful, kind, have integrity, and show compassion. Even so, they are not all perfect matches for me, and not just because some of them are women.

I think there are people out there who want the same things that we do. When you find two people who just exist well together, then they are both a good SO – for each other, but not for others with different needs.

So, don’t worry about whether or not you’re a good Significant Other. Just put yourself out there and see which pieces of you fit together well with others. If you have great communication with one person, you’ll probably have it with others.

I believe that if you are the best version of yourself that you can possibly be – you accept yourself as you are even while you work at taking off rough edges; that you are as accepting of others as you want them to be of you; that you are willing to risk rejection in the hopes of finding your Significant Other, then it’s just a matter of time before you find your special person and can be the great SO that you are meant to be.