Great Service Secret #3 - Leading with Acceptance ... Are You Using Your Infinite Heart ?

Here's Secret # 3 in a nutshell: We all have infinite hearts. This means we have an infinite capacity to accept the experience of others. It also means we can show up and hold space for anyone, if we so choose. In service-related situations, this acceptance can build trust and relationships that can grow and evolve in spite of - and sometimes because of -- challenging situations.

We are part of the universe, are we not?

So are our amazing hearts.

And just like the universe, our hearts have miraculous capacity, flexibility and creativity. They can break and then heal. They can learn. They can fear and then conquer that fear. They can experience love, give love and recognize the love that others hold in their hearts.

Stop a moment. Imagine. The heart is not what stops us from doing things. Our minds do. Of course, we all suffer. And no one's life is without sadness and pain. But given space and support, our hearts can handle it all. Light, shadow. Love, loss. Sorrow and celebration. The desolation of grief. The consolation of trust.

THE PRESENT MOMENT IS THE GATEWAY

You may not think of your heart in these terms. I understand. Neither did I. I used to think the past determined what my heart could handle. I used to believe that my best guess of future possibilities defined what I would experience and what I could handle. It was only a few years ago I learned the truth -- that in the present, my heart is potentially limitless. Indeed, the heart's very nature is to expand and grow with experience -- just like the universe.

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH SERVICE?

Acceptance-based service allows us to approach even challenging situations with calm. It allows us to be curious as well as courteous. To explore and invite connection. To use humor as well as good manners. To be authentic. To feel like we can learn and grow with any customer or community member because we can create the conditions for any interaction to lead to a relationship.

Acceptance-based service gives us the patience and the resilience to make space and build bridges when the person we serve is upset or angry. Acceptance can get people listening again. Acceptance can make us feel we are all on the same side, working together for a solution. It teaches us that our goal in offering service is not a particular outcome. Instead it focuses on first creating a connection based on authentic respect and goodwill.

Think of it. It is as simple as it is radical. Accept people as they are. Accept their experience as it is. Don't approve. Don't disapprove. Just accept. To me, acceptance is the precursor to compassion - perhaps the highest form of service any of us can provide to one another. [1]

CONFESSION:

Grief and groceries - I ask a man in his 70s if he has a loyalty card to scan so he can save money on his groceries. His voice is terse, almost curt. He says he doesn't "do" the loyalty card. His wife does. He stands silent and stares. So, I give him the discounts anyway. With my generic loyalty card.... In my peripheral vision, I see him slowly soften in the ensuing quiet as I scan his groceries. When I look up, he catches my eye and says thank you. Then there is a pause. He says his wife she doesn’t leave the house any more. This seems unusual. I stop scanning and wait. "She won’t leave the house since the dog died," the man says. He explains the dog's name was Sammy. That he died aged 12. They got Sammy when they retired together and he became the center of their lives, the man says. Sammy was always glad?to see them. He would look into their eyes as he sat with them. Always happy to be with them. "Now Sammy's gone," the man says. "It’s a great loss. We don’t know what to do. He was our center..." The man starts to tear up. His voice catches and, embarrassed, he says quickly that he has to go. I barely have time to give him the receipt and say I am sorry for their loss. It feels inadequate, but he is already done .... It strikes me that grief can show as a lack of feeling -- even as an uncaring briskness. But beneath the surface, it is an infinite sea. And given an opportunity it can flood us emotionally.?Even in 3 minutes at a cash register. Did it matter that I heard him and made space for his sorrow? I think so. We all need connection. And we need it acutely, when we are hurting and vulnerable and the feeling is so powerful.

OUR WORLD IS POLARIZED - HOW CAN THIS KIND OF SERVICE WORK?

Closed hearts and voices hardened by prejudgement can be found everywhere today-- online and in-person. Even people who espouse religions that value compassion, quickly judge others who have different values and opinions. In the New Testament gospels, Jesus of Nazareth tells the Pharisees who are intent on stoning a woman to death for adultery: “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” We remember that no one steps up to throw a stone. But our age seems to have no time for Jesus' compassionate 'love your neighbor" message and even less for his radical challenge to "love your enemy." These days the strategy seems to be: "Distrust your neighbor and de-humanize your enemy."

A judgmental heart is a shrunken heart. Remember the Grinch? Dr. Seuss says his heart was "two sizes too small" before his epiphany. How many millions of us have become "Grinchy" in our approach to others? How many of us greet our day and the people in it with an atrophied heart?

And yet ...

Our hearts are much bigger than this.We can almost always do things our mind thinks we can't. We can achieve things because of our infinite heart, which allows us to channel the power of love. Which is unlimited.

CONSIDER HOW CHILDREN APPROACH LIFE

But don't take my word for it. Think about your own life experience. Think about the children you know. About the power they have to imagine and explore and expand their understanding and learn and grow through their play.

Close your eyes. I'm guessing you can imagine a young child with their eyes alight -- illumined by imagination and engagement. I'm guessing you can even remember a moment when you felt that way when you were young. This is our natural heart unhindered. This is the feeling of accepting the present and allowing it to guide us to discovery and connection.

CONFESSION:

Children at the Checkout - You might think children are a hassle for us cashiers. To the contrary, they provide the most fun of any customer I see. They might be shy or sassy, but they almost always come ready to play... I pretend the shopping cart is a locomotive. They pull the cord to sound the whistle. I sing a song and leave out a word. They fill it in, right on time. They want to hand me the items to scan or to scan the items themselves. When I accept their help, they dive into the work with gusto, reaching for any item they can. When they are leaving the checkout, I bend down and ask them to listen for I have something very important to tell them. They turn with full attention. I say: "Please remember to give your mom or dad a hug tonight and tell them you love them." They often immediately turn to their parents and give them a big hug. They don't wait to share connection. They seize the moment. And they leave, beaming. When they return to the store, they remember me and smile - ready to play again. We have connected. No matter how they present, rich or poor, no matter what culture they come from, or what religion their family follows, their hearts are open and they naturally connect with others through the infinite possibilities of play. What a gift they bring! They engage life with an infinite heart and expect us to do the same. In the process, they show us who we may be, by showing us who we are in our core.

POEM

Sometimes poetry conveys expansive experience better than prose. Below is a poem I wrote about the discovery of my infinite heart.

Permanent Loan

I was driving home from work tonight -

Navigating a moment of freedom.

And I understood:

My heart is on permanent loan from the Universe.

~

Mine to use.

The Universe's forever.

Ours to share.

~~

I also understood that this is true of every being in the Universe.

No amount of pain, shame, suffering or fear can change this.

My good heart. Our good hearts.

Unchangeable at our core: the very nature of being.

Foundation and liberation.

Seed, root, flower and fruit.

~~~

And my calling?

In the clarity of my dark drive,

That, too, was rendered:

To lend out this good heart on the same terms

That I received it.

To offer it to any being,

To all beings –

Without encumbrance.

— Steven Crandell

Author’s note: I use the word “universe” here. But truth be told, I would be just as happy with God or Tao or Allah or YHWH or Atman or Sophia or anything that captures the feeling of the infinite connection all beings share. If the “Universe” does not fit for you, please read the poem and substitute the word that does. Thank you.

[1] WARNING - Please remember: Accepting someone's experience does not mean you should necessarily accept their behavior, especially if they are violent, abusive, aggressive, demeaning or cruel. Acceptance is not approval. And accepting someone's experience does not mean condoning it. We all deserve respect. We all deserve to be safe. If someone is unsafe or disrespecting you, if their actions make you feel threatened in any way, please take care of yourself and make your own welfare your top priority.)