The Great Pretender: Navigating the Holidays When Your Marriage Feels Fake

The holidays are a time for family, friends, and celebration. But when your marriage is on the rocks and you’re struggling just to get through the next month without blowing up your life like the fireworks on New Year’s Eve, the holidays are far from a season of good cheer.

They’re more of an endurance test.

If you’re stuck in a marriage that feels more like a performance than a partnership, you know exactly what it means to be The Great Pretender.

You’re not alone.

For many professionals and business owners trapped in unhappy marriages, the holiday season is a uniquely stressful and frustrating time. You’re walking the tightrope of keeping up appearances while simultaneously trying to balance the heavy weight of sadness and frustration that’s dragging you down.

You’re not just wrapping gifts and decorating the tree. You’re also wrapping up your feelings and decorating yourself with a fake smile and often a little too much holiday cheer.

The truth is pretending everything is fine - when it’s not - is exhausting.

It takes energy to smile at holiday parties, engage in family traditions, and keep the peace during gatherings when your mind is racing with questions like: How did we get here? How much longer can I live like this? Will I ever be happy again?

The Frustrations of Pretending

Being "The Great Pretender" comes with a unique set of frustrations that only get worse during the holidays: For example, you have to deal with:

1. The Weight of Expectations

? Family and social obligations often leave no room for you to truly be yourself. Whether it’s attending your spouse’s office party or hosting a holiday dinner, you’re expected to show up, smile, and play the part of the happy couple.

2. The Emotional Disconnect

? The emotional distance between you and your spouse feels more pronounced during what’s supposed to be the season of love and togetherness. Holiday moments that once brought joy—like decorating the house or watching your kids open presents—now feel empty.

3. The Financial Strain

? Overspending during the holidays is an accepted part of our consumer culture. But when you know you’ll have to foot the bill for holiday expenses (and maybe even a post-holiday divorce!) you add a whole new level of financial stress to the season. That feels especially unfair if your spouse is the one doing the overspending.

4. The Pressure to Be "Present" for Your Kids

? Every parent wants to create magical memories for their children. But it’s hard to be fully present with your kids when your heart and mind are somewhere else. You also worry that – in spite of your best efforts - your unhappiness is leaking out and your kids can sense that something is wrong. Then you think of how they’ll be affected if you get a divorce, and you want to throw up.

5. The Exhaustion of Trying to Do it All

? As wonderful as the holidays “should” be, they add a ton more to your already exploding “To Do” list. Suddenly you have to juggle a demanding career with buying gifts, decorating the house, and managing the demands of holiday preparations, all while feeling unsupported by your spouse. It’s a lot.

The Needs You Long to Have Met

Pretending that your marriage is fine when it’s not is challenging on a good day.

Doing that at a time when you’re supposed to be celebrating love, peace, and togetherness can be almost unbearable.

At this point in life, though, you have no illusions. You’re not looking for a Normal Rockwell Christmas. All you want is a little:

? Authenticity: You need somewhere that you can be honest about your feelings without being judged or worried that you’re upsetting someone else.

? Clarity: You need space to think so that you can start to get clear about what you want—and what getting what you want will mean for your future.

? Support: Whether it’s emotional support, strategic guidance, or just a listening ear, you need someone in your corner.

? Boundaries: You know you need to set boundaries right now with your spouse, your family, and even with yourself. You know you need to protect your energy and your mental health. You just haven’t figured out how you can do that without turning into the Grinch.

? Hope: Most importantly of all, you need hope. You need to believe that things will get better in the future - even if it means you have to make difficult choices soon.

The Game-Changer: Your Lifeline Through the Holidays

“Pretending” your way through the holidays may be good for everyone around you. But it’s a sure way to ruin the holidays for yourself. It can leave you feeling lonelier and sadder than you ever have in your life.

What’s more, you feel like you’re just postponing the inevitable split that you’re 90% sure is coming in the new year. You feel like you’re just wasting time. But you also feel like you don’t have a choice. You don’t want to blow up the holidays for your kids.

But what if you could make progress in your life AND still enjoy a decent holiday with your kids WITHOUT having to put on a fake “happy face” while you were dying inside?

With a skilled divorce coach by your side, all of that is possible.

The right divorce coach can provide you with practical strategies to move forward, emotional support, and a safe space to work through your challenges = all while staying UNDER the RADAR during the holidays. Here’s how:

1. Clarity and Planning

? A divorce coach will help you map out your next steps so that you can start making quiet progress NOW even if you have to wait a while before executing your plan.

2. A Safe Space to Be Honest

? When you’re talking with a divorce coach you don’t need to pretend. You can openly discuss your fears, frustrations, and goals without worrying about judgment or freaking out your family.

3. Strategies for Managing the Holidays

? Whether it’s handling tricky conversations, setting boundaries, or navigating holiday stress, a divorce coach provides tailored strategies to help you survive (and even thrive) during the holidays.

4. Communication Tips

? If your spouse is difficult or unresponsive, a divorce coach can help you communicate with him/her in a way that minimizes conflict and keeps your conversations productive.

5. Emotional Support

? Having someone who understands what you’re going through (and will listen without judgment!) when you’re frustrated or upset can make you feel like you’re not going crazy, and you’re definitely not alone.

Finding Peace Amid the Chaos

The holidays might feel like an emotional minefield when you’re already deeply unhappy in your marriage, but they don’t have to be.

With the right guidance, you can navigate the complexities of this season and lay the foundation for a future that feels authentic, fulfilling, and aligned with your goals.

You don’t have to go through this holiday feeling like a lonely, miserable, and stressed-out fake. With the right strategy, guidance and help you can turn this holiday into a time of planning, hope

There’s help available to make this the last holiday where you feel trapped in a role that doesn’t fit.

#divorcecoach #holidays2024 #christmas2024

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