Great Love and Generosity

“Don’t you be so nice to me;

I fall in love so easily.”

— Waylon Jennings

Love and fear are the most powerful emotions that act as both attractors and distancers. Both emotions activate something inside of us.

This summer, I experienced both and many more emotions. It was like having an emotional workout. I can attest that I have the full complement of emotions and can express each very competently.

I have shared that it was a summer of unexpected interruptions. Some were positive and some challenging. I accept that this is what life and living is all about.

Now that these unplanned experiences are in my rearview mirror I can reflect upon them and garden for all the many lessons. Some of the unplanned interruptions are still active in my life now.

This weekend, as one of the French Bulldog puppies found their forever family, I discovered that parting with a four-month-old puppy whom I met on their first day of life, worked with the mother dog to nurse the litter every two-hours round the clock, kept them the right temperature, ensured that they didn’t get squished by a mother dog’s need to tuck them under herself or me, grew them from two ounces to a healthy weight, made the transition from mother’s milk to gruel, kibble and water, been the playmate, poo picker upper and coach, and seen that they received all the vet attention needed by a puppy, let go — even to a wonderful family — would be tearful.

Don’t misunderstand my emotions. Tears can be sorrow and joy, sadness and happiness, and an expression of love; and maybe fear as well.

I am not afraid of expressing emotions. I welcome the variety of emotions that course through my body. I have learned to welcome them as they bubble up and to not suppress or deny those feelings — they just find a way to leak out anyway. I also have learned that to have some self-control over emotions that could negatively affect a situation is an act of emotional intelligence. And, for me, the choice to be an adult, taking responsibility for my emotions, responses, and triggers.

As I watched the mother of the family who came to pick a puppy, melt into the ground to hold each dog and cry, I knew that she, too, loved animals and would love one of mine with the same sense of responsibility.

My mission with this unexpected litter of French Bulldog puppies is to keep one to add to my pack and to find the best homes for the rest. Two have found their forever families and two are waiting to be matched.

I will be keeping ‘Big Mac’ who was first to nurse, nursed the longest, grew the fastest, is a patchwork of greys, browns, black and white merle, and has crazy blue eyes and white whiskers. He has one black sock on his front right leg. I feel that he carries the spirit of both Buddha Bear and Big Boy.

Buddha Bear was a brindle boxer with white socks and my working partner (he was a service dog). Big Boy, whom we rescued, had an enormous heart and learned to trust the world a second time.

When Big Mac went to the kennel for the first time, Kennel keeper, Vinny, remarked that there was something special about this puppy. When I shared with him that I thought that Big Mac carried the spirit of Buddha Bear and Big Boy (who Vinny cared for with great love and respect) he said enthusiastically, “That’s it. That puppy looks at me in a certain way that makes me feel as if we have met.”

Dogs find you when you most need them. I don’t think you pick a puppy but the puppy picks you.

This weekend, CoCo Puff picked her family. I cry as I write this. I have come to love each puppy for something special. CoCo Puff is a little girl, a beautiful sable brindle brown and different from each of her littler mates.

She is special. She was named by the daughters of a colleague who visited often.

While I am very happy for her to find a family, this morning I am also missing her. I know I will get over it. I will not run from the effect it has on my heart. I have a hunch that the adult pack of dogs and her litter mates will miss her presence as well. We will heal together.

What I discovered yesterday was that this process of bringing a life into the world has so much responsibility and comes with the full spectrum of emotions. In letting go to give them the best possible life, it is an act of great love and generosity.

I am not a breeder. This is not my work. I can’t treat it like a business transaction.

It has been a privilege and process rich with life lessons. It has always been on my bucket list to experience having puppies — it just happened when I least expected it.

I am grateful for the opportunity and for all the friends who leaned in to help. I am grateful to have a heart that could support the effort of growing little four-footed angels. I am glad to have a strong heart that can now let them go. It is so much fun to share puppy therapy with everyone.

I can only imagine how this experience is amplified for a parent of another human. While I didn’t have my own children, today I have a richer respect for the role of parent.

? What is stretching your heart these days?

My writing was just interrupted by the backdoor being opened by wily little dogs who want to run around the house with the adult pack. They are so smart and able to learn. I must work very hard to stay ahead of them.

We are in the midst of potty training. I ask myself all day long, ‘Who is really training whom?”

My life borders on organized and planned and chaos.

? How about yours?

Leslie

"We adore chaos

because we love to produce order."

— M. C. Escher