Gratitude…or something like it

The last quarter of the year brings with it a flurry of activity. There are festivities to plan – Durga Pooja, Diwali, Thanksgiving, Christmas. The evening plans usually involve dinner at one friend’s place, followed by late night chai at another’s. There is a frantic pace at work as we try to drive all the incomplete initiatives over the finish line. Our lives and our calendars are full – full of festivities and one last push. It’s as if we were on a high-speed train, trying to catch the names of the stations left behind. The new year is fast approaching, and I want to make sure that I make this year count.

This year though, the festivities feel different. We have all felt keenly the havoc wrought upon our daily lives, the disruption of our schedules. We have discussed it at length and written about it in blogs, personal essays, and public chat rooms. The year continues to defy expectations, usually for the worse. In this atypical year of firsts, so many norms were broken, so many traditions put on hold. 

Everything is muted and everyone is in stasis. We wait and we watch. We wait and we hope, for a return to normal. We wait and we try to get on with our lives, in pursuit of a “new normal”. This year it can be difficult, even normal to struggle with Gratitude. Usually we would gather in our homes and around dinner tables to give thanks – for the tiny moments of peace and the momentous accomplishments; for the people in our lives and the myriad opportunities that came our way. 

And yet, this year feels different. I know I’m having a hard time. What is there to be grateful for? The world imploded without a sound. The virus laid bare all the fault lines of our society and made us realise how completely dependent we are on the premise of normalcy. The pandemic exposed all the dysfunctions of our workplaces and home lives. I wonder whether being forced to act in certain ways is driving the resentment that I feel or the hollowness of my gratitude. 

The critical difference

Where is this feeling of hollowness coming from? As I reflect further, I question what is the critical difference between the right thing to do and what I feel like doing. For example, I know that a 30-minute walk every day is good for my health. It’s the right thing to do for my body. But I skip it multiple times because of various excuses that are my own. However, now that I cannot go for a walk due to the lockdown, I don’t feel grateful that I have more time on my hands. I feel resentful.

60 million people contracted COVID-19 worldwide, 1.42 million succumbed to it. Millions lost their jobs – some for a short period, others permanently. Our children learnt an array of digital skills and a whole new way of life - away from school and in-person friends. Where’s the gratitude in that? 

And yet, life goes on. Countless people continue performing important work, regardless of the effect on their lives. Healthcare professionals, government officials, sanitation workers, educators, security personnel, hospitality employees and other essential care providers put aside the concern for their personal health and safety and show up on the job. In the face of such selfless service and perseverance, I feel humble and selfish at the same time.

The realization

As a result, I feel a sense of deep gratitude that stems from the realisation that I may never be able to return this favour. That someone has gone that extra mile for me. That care giving has no return value. When I struggled through hours of online lessons with my 8-year old, I felt immense gratitude for my Mom – both for helping me through it and for being the amazing parent that she is to me. There were no computers when I was growing up. 

If there is one affirmation that I clung to this year – it is gratitude. Even though there are times I struggled to find a reason for it. When a beloved life ended abruptly this year, I grieved her loss. And then I said thanks for the continued presence of my remaining parents. Every moment with them feels more precious. And when confronted by the health crises of various family members, I hoped for the best, prepared for the worst and felt gratitude for the continued good health of the rest of us. I felt selfish and terrible, but grateful, nonetheless.

If there is one life skill that I honed this year, it is self-reflection. In a usual year, there is so much going on around us – personally, professionally and socially - that there is no time to pause and reflect. But this year has taught me to put one step in front of the next, don’t think about the rest. 

Turning Inward

Everywhere we turn there is an emphasis on the superficial expression of gratitude – heartfelt or not. We go through the motions of expected behaviour. We smile and we nod. The Thank You rolls off our tongues instinctively, drilled into us by years of good behaviour reminders. As a society we are expected to be grateful – thank our lucky stars, for things can always be worse. But things could also be better, no? When I turned my attention inward, I was grateful for the ability to feel honest anger and frustration. And that’s the journey I have taken this year – from the “right” thing to do & the “right” thing to feel to what I actually want to do and what I am feeling.

Human emotions are rarely a monotone. We are capable of feeling the incredulous heights of anticipation, the depths of despair, and every emotion in between. This year has been full of contradictions – quick starts and abrupt halts, forced stillness coupled with frantic activity. So, it’s only normal that our feelings of gratitude are mixed too. Gratitude will come when our bucket is full of love, care and humility. It will come sooner rather than later. It is not something that can be taught. It needs to be felt, it needs to mature, and it needs to be honest.

When I look back at 2020, I will remember it as a year of incredible loss and heartbreak. But I will also look back in amazement at how so many of us learnt new skills, discovered hidden passions and flexed our muscles of perseverance. 

Most of all I will look back with gratitude, for the support you all gave me. Thank you.

As this year draws to a close, let us all find our grace. Let’s make a list of what makes us happy and lavish our attention on that. Humble gratitude will show itself like the silver lining that it is.

Hi, I’m Anjani. I have been an in-house coach for many years with various , coaching cross-generational and multi-cultural teams. I love to use multiple tools and techniques to empower thoughts and nudge change. I am an empathetic listener. I use examples from my work spanning diverse industries to encourage people to carve their path to success. I want to start a dialogue with netizens who wish to engage in conversation leading to transformation and achieving new-found goals.