GRATITUDE THROUGH CHALLENGES

I had been contemplating what to post today for Thanksgiving since it was this day last year that Mom had her heart-attack that spilled out into a street scene described in my post from my Thanksgiving post last year.

So I decided to just repost my message from last year in honor of her and what I'm still grateful for. On Facebook it was easy to repost that same post, but here on Instagram it's the post from November 28th, 2019.

I spent today listening to some old-school Latin music as it just felt like the vibe for a family setting, even family-wise we are physically distancing, especially to help protect a couple of older relatives.

In these challenging times I've become even more grateful of the meaningful relationships I've cultivated this past year. I think "cultivated" is the right word, because it is a process of cultivation where they need to be nurtured from a place of standards and values.

After my Mom's passing on December 18, 2020 I came to the conclusion of "Standards-based relationships over nepotism."

I am incredibly grateful for the genuine relationships of 2020 that helped to get me through this year. And not just from a place of surving, but one of thriving.

Numerous things have worked out very well this year and while training and development always play a part, the supportive relationships make a huge difference.

For some years on every Black Friday, I would splurge to buy myself something. This year I really don't feel the need for that. I'm just not feeling the need for a thing, but rather continuing to build and nurture the relationships that matter.

Thank you and HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

*(I'm putting the original post from November 28, 2019 below)

GRATITUDE ON THANKSGIVING EVEN IN THE FACE OF...

I let my men's team know last night on a team call that my mother's condition had been declining.

I made the decision very early this Thanksgiving morning that if her condition had not improved I was going to take her to the hospital.

Sure enough her breathing was still very shallow, she was struggling with no sign of change.

I let my brother and the home care worker know the situation and that I would take her to Beth Israel hospital where her regular doctors are. My brother offered to pick us up and drive us.

She was once again thinking that she was somewhere else, so we knew mentally she wasn't doing well, but physically she seemed stable. She didn't get any worse from the day before, but she wasn't any better either.

We only made it two blocks when she began to feel very uncomfortable, was very weakly vocalizing something, losing consciousness and then finally salivating while unconscious.

We immediately pulled over, I called 911 and my brother began removing her from the car so that we could lay her down in the street. She had a pulse and was breathing, but her mouth was becoming white.

We were scarred of losing her right there in the street. I kept 911 on the line and checked her pulse every now and then. It was fading.

When 911 said to turn her on her side, that's when I didn't feel a pulse or breathing. I almost screamed out to my brother in Spanish that I don't feel anything anymore.

The ambulance was just on the corner and they immediately began compressions.

I kept giving the EMTs all the information of her health history and they loaded her on the ambulance while three or four of them were taking turns giving her compressions.

They kept at it and then decided to bring her to the nearest hospital of Woodhull. My brother parked his car and then we both jumped into a Fire Department vehicle.

They brought her into the hospital still giving chest compressions. They were at it with compressions for a long time.

They brought her into trauma and I stayed in front of the trauma door looking through the window, while they continued to work on her and still giving compressions.

I felt compelled to just stay put and watch.

I felt it was my job to witness and stand there no matter what.

The night before I was up late doing a bunch of work to finish before Thanksgiving.

I was working on a number of exercises and agenda segments for my Awaken The Dragon weekend men's journey that I just ran in Toronto two weeks ago and then in NYC just this past weekend.

I specifically spent a bunch of time finishing an exercise that involved being an eternal witness with the courage that is required to be so.

It was something I read in a book way back from the pioneer of mindfulness meditation, Jon Kabat-Zinn.

But it was also something my college mentor mentioned in a class when describing a personal story. As I remember it, she said that was either at a window or on a balcony across the street from a burning building. There was a woman on a balcony of that burning building screaming and terrified. There was nothing my mentor could do, but she thought it was important that she bear witness to what was happening and especially to this women.

That was my job today. On this Thanksgiving day it was my job to bear witness to every single moment of this emergency treatment my mother was undergoing. That if she is to pass from this life on this day, then I am there to see her off.

It was my duty and my opportunity.

I began to think to myself as if a message to my Mom, "If you need to go, old girl, then go. It's all good. Whatever you want to do."

At least she was with her only two sons actually taking her to be treated. It would not be a bad thing for her to go right now. It had been expected by me for a couple of weeks, as her condition was declining and of course knowing her age and health challenges, I had been preparing for her passing for a few years. I've also already been in this situation with my father, so I find myself much better prepared for my mother's passing.

As I said to my men's team last night, in certain ways it's not as hard as it was with my father, because there is greater family support with my Mom, as well as less issues even involving myself. I've had some hard history with my father that caused some personal challenges for me initially in taking care of him. While it was a growth and relationship building opportunity with my father, none of those personal challenges exist here with Mom. I've had my issues in the past with Mom, but I can easily say that all was resolved years ago.

That helps in my being ready for her eventual passing.

But even with that, I did tell my men's team that while I feel at ease with the inevitable, that doesn't mean that it won't get really hard when it arrives. It will still hurt. That's the hurt that I'm preparing for.

It feels ok now, because I've been through worse and in general I feel like I'm in a better headspace with life satisfaction and purpose fulfillment, etc, but there will be pain from loss. There's no doubt about it.

I can reflect on it now, but when it all started to happen and there was the initial shock, I experienced the danger zone of certain thoughts.

Even when we pulled her out of the car to lay her down in the street and they put her in the ambulance, I had thoughts of "This is not the way she should go. This is just not what I imagined or what I wanted. This is just too dramatic for her to die in the street like a film or TV scene."

After a while, those thoughts subsided and as I stood in my position of bearing witness outside the trauma room of Woodhull Hospital, I was able to take a breath and the thoughts changed to, "She was with her two sons taking her to be treated."

My purpose was to bring courage in standing and bearing witness to it all so that she can be remembered all the way to very end no matter how that end was to come about. There is nothing wrong with any of it. There is no need to judge this moment or any moment.

My outcome was to bring my best in anything and everything that is needed of me so that I can be of service to her no matter what happens.

I am here to stand ready for anything.

We are all going to meet our end and she has had 86 years on this earth. Whether she makes it to 87 or not, there is nothing tragic one way or the other. It is a very long life and we should be so lucky.

Some of my greatest models didn't even come close to making it to 86.

I have personally been very fortunate to have had the opportunity to find closure with each of my parents while they were living and to then be caregivers for each. It has challenged me tremendously and I had to confront resentment, residual hurt and anger within me. I had to keep going through that pain to get to the other side. On the other side was a sense of peace that was much lighter after the heavy load of past drama was let go.

The unloading was the most important part of this journey. Everything flows after.

Like Pops, Mom did her job.

So on this day of Thanksgiving, I give thanks to Mom.

No matter what happens next, because I don't even know what will happen tomorrow, Mom helped to get me ready.

For that, I am eternally grateful!

THANK YOU MOM!

I'll be here whether you return or decide it's time to go. You helped get me ready for the rest of my journey.

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