Gratitude & Grief

This past weekend was?AMAZING!

The weather was absolutely beautiful with?blue skies,?sunshine, and the?whispers of Fall in the air???

Taking full advantage of this gorgeous weather, my daughter & I ventured out and spent Saturday afternoon in the small, quaint town of Almonte, about?30 minutes from Ottawa.

The main street was a hub-bub of activity.? People were?out and about, exploring the local market,?having coffee on?patios, eating ice cream, and wandering the?shops.

Everywhere you?looked, people were smiling.

It was uplifting,?fun, and joyful and the energy in the air was palpable.

As we walked the?main street, popping into the shops we love, we talked and laughed and had a great time just being together.

It was the first time in a long time?that we had had a day like this and I?intentionally focused on being present,?in?the moment, with her.

No phone.? No interruptions.? No real plans of where we needed to be at any given time.

Just Lily & I spending the day together???

It was PERFECT!

As we sat on one of the picnic benches at a local burger spot having a bite to eat, I was filled with such gratitude.

Gratitude for our mother/daughter day.

Gratitude for Lily and the incredible young woman she is becoming.

Gratitude for the life she is able to live and all the opportunities ahead of her.

Gratitude for her choosing me to be HER mom.

Gratitude for everything we have been through that had brought us to this moment.

My feelings of gratitude were a bit overwhelming, my heart was full, and tears filled my eyes.??

Happy, joyful tears for sure.

But tears none-the-less.?

Inevitably, my thoughts also went to Isaac, Lily's twin, who we had lost when they were just 3 days old, wondering what his life would have been like had he lived.

What Lily's life would have been like had he lived.

What my life would have been like had he lived.

100% it would have been different for all of us...and for everyone whose life he would have touched.

But our life is what it is now...and he will always be a part of it in his own way.

We cannot change the past, but we can focus on what is good in our present.

Thinking of Isaac always brings up mixed emotions.?

Sadness at his loss.

Relief that he did not have to live a life of pain and suffering.

A touch of guilt over wondering if his death could have been a result of something I had done wrong while I was pregnant (it wasn't, by the way...but my brain likes to take me on that "fun" little trip anyway).

And now, I feel the deepest sense of gratitude.

Gratitude that I had a son.

Gratitude that he will always be a part of his sister and, even in death, they have a bond that will never be broken.

Gratitude that my experience of losing him ultimately led me to what I do today as a grief coach.

It took me years to get to a place of feeling grateful about any part of losing Isaac.

Time, facing my emotions, feeling & releasing them, and figuring out ways to support myself were all keys to my ability to connect to gratitude.

Figuring out WHO I wanted to be on my grief journey was also a big part of it...and I did not want to be bitter, angry, sad or resentful.? Those qualities didn't fit who I was...and who I am.

And they certainly wouldn't make me a good mom to Lily.?

On my grief journey, I have learned that healing is not about forgetting or “moving on"- it’s about finding ways to carry my grief differently.?

And one of the most powerful ways I learned to do that is through gratitude.

Gratitude in being present with my daughter.

Gratitude journaling.

Gratitude for all the tiny things - if only just my coffee in the morning, the sunshine on my face, my daughter's laughter.

Gratitude opens you up to seeing all the things that you still have in your life and creates emotional space for hope, connection, and healing...for joy.

Gratitude can bring you peace and clarity in the midst of your grief.

Gratitude, by its sheer nature, puts you into the present moment, relieving you from dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. Grief and gratitude CAN coexist...I know this first-hand.

Feeling grateful or experiencing moments of joy does not dishonor your grief, nor does it cause you to forget.

Often, it allows you to remember with love and gentleness, too.

You are allowed to find joy in life again, no matter how broken you feel.?

Gratitude helps to open that door to joy, inviting light into the darkness?? YOU are worth it!

M. xo

P.S.?You do not have to walk this path alone.? Healing is possible, and together, we can begin to move from darkness into joy.??If you’re ready to take the next step in your healing journey, I am here to support you.? Book a short call, send me a message or email and let's explore what that support might look like.