Gratitude, determination, and 8 other things I learned in the year after I became paralysed

In August 2015, something went terribly wrong during surgery, resulting in a massive bleed that rendered me fully paralysed on the left side. The journey that followed; trying to get my body to function again and getting my independence back, was without any doubt the fight of my life. One that I won, and these are, in random order, the ten most important things I learned along the way.

1)   “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have” – Bob Marley

I am in the fairly unique position of knowing something that, like most people, I otherwise always would have been guessing about; I know what I’m truly capable off. Had anyone told me thirteen months ago I’d have to learn to walk again while being in pain all the time, I probably would have said I’d never be able to do that. But when it’s a real life situation and the choice is to either be strong or give up, you find all kinds of previously untapped sources of strength. You fight through the pain, the tears and the fatigue. You even fight on when your own body is begging you to just give up. Now that I’ve done this, now that I have learned to walk again, I know I never have to doubt what I'm capable of, ever again.

2)   "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it” – Charles R. Swindoll

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that if you want to achieve anything, you have to take control of your own life. That is not the same as trying to dominate what happens in your life, as that would turn you into a very disappointed control freak. What I’m talking about is controlling how you respond to those things that are outside your sphere of influence. You have to decide if you step back and take they “why are these things happening to me” stance, or if you are going to grab life by the balls and decide that whatever happened cannot and will not control you. Always remember; you are more than just the sum of your experiences.

3)   “It’s not happy people who are thankful, it’s thankful people who are happy” – unknown

I genuinely believe in the power of gratitude; there is always something to be thankful for, if you’re open to seeing it. Every day, I'm extremely grateful that my cognitive abilities have not been impacted and that actually, I'm officially a medical miracle given psychometric tests show I'm smarter and more capable now than I was before the bleed, when I was still epileptic. Within two weeks of the surgery, when my face wasn't working yet and I still couldn’t smile, walk, stand or even sit up straight without help, I got back into the habit of writing up five things that I was grateful for that day. Here are the first five things I wrote in my journal:

• The sun was shining
• My hair got washed
• One of the nurses said I'm inspirational
• Ester (my best friend) arrived back home safely
• John (one of my fellow patients) gave up watching a game and changed the channel to 'Strictly come dancing' cause he knows I like the show.

Gratitude allows you to move away from all that’s negative and not working yet and rather focus on all things, regardless how small, that you do have and that are positive. Doing so will make you stronger and more positive in general, resulting in a higher capability to cope better with whatever comes your way.

4)   “Vulnerability is our most accurate measure of courage” - Brene Brown

According to a story my father used to tell, my favourite words while growing up were “do self”. I’ve always been fiercely independent and would generally only ask for help as a last resort. After all, asking puts you in the vulnerable position of potentially getting no for an answer. When your body isn't functioning properly, though, and you're working your way through recovery, you have two choices: be all “I’m too proud to ask for help” and miss out on about a thousand things, or just get over yourself and be vulnerable enough to reach out for help. Here’s what I learned; when you finally do dare to ask for what you need and want, it turns out people are more than happy to give you that help. You allow them to lighten your burden and make a difference. By now I have my independence back and I love to “do self” again, but when there is something I can't do by myself yet, I'm no longer afraid to ask.

5)   “Working hard is important. But there is something that matters even more; believing in yourself” – Harry Potter

It was during my third week at the National Rehabilitation Hospital here in Ireland, while walking outside the gym, with my physio next to me, that I had a slight stumble. Gone was my confidence. I kept repeating I’d lost my mojo, that my walking wasn’t good anymore and that I didn’t know how to get it back. My physio walked another ten meters with me, to get to the closest chair, sat me down and told me something I will not lightly forget. She said: “Sacha, you know exactly how to walk and currently the only thing standing between you and great walking for the next 100 meters is you. So either you start believing you can do this or you don’t, in which case we might as well give up all together". I did the former and walked a great lap around the quadrangle. Our mind believes what we tell it to, and if we tell it we cannot do something, it really doesn’t matter how much we’ve prepared, it just blocks any potential achievement.

6)   “Determination may not solve every issue but it will always help you find a way around it” – Sacha :-)

Six weeks after the surgery, I was able to stand but still hadn't taken a single step. Nevertheless, I decided I was going to walk into my apartment for Christmas. I mentioned this to the sr. consultant of the rehabilitation hospital, who happened to visit for an assessment that afternoon, and she told me in no uncertain terms there was no chance that was ever going to happen. Her exact words were “Well I hope you mean Christmas 2016!!” It was the end of September 2015. I didn’t like her much anyway and decided to show her what I was made of. It took hard work, perseverance and loads of determination, but when I proved her wrong, victory never tasted sweeter.

The downside of success through determination, though, is that you think everything can now be achieved that way. When I couldn’t get my arm to work, in spite of being even more determined than before, I was initially devastated. Determination however prevented me accepting there might be things I couldn’t do and I used all that willpower to get really resourceful and I learned to tie my shoelaces with one hand, iron, butter my bread, put on make-up and find a solution to everyday emerging issues, like zipping up a hoodie. If you are determined to succeed, you will. You just have to accept, success may look different from what you had initially planned.

7)   “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, it’s in rising every time we fall” - Confucius

Resilience is not ‘just keep going and be positive’. Resilience is about recovering from a tough situation while allowing yourself to feel your emotions without letting them take over. Learning to walk again doesn’t just happen; it comes with the before mentioned determination, positivity and support from friends (not to mention some amazing physiotherapists). It, however, also comes with tears, doubt and sometimes literally falling. And that is okay. Evidence shows that forcing yourself to be positive when you don't feel that way, may actually make you feel worse. It's only when you let out the tears and allow yourself to confront what is causing you to be sad, that you can get up again and really feel, not just think, positive. There’s no shame in falling, just don't stay on the floor.

8)   “Make just one someone happy and you’ll be happy too” – Jimmy Durante

There’s two sides to this; I've met random strangers who went out of their way to help me and in doing so made a huge difference. And then there’s me, learning that it is by giving to others that we find true joy. What’s important to remember, is that you don’t have to make big gestures to make people happy. A smile, a kind word or a compliment is often enough and you will find it makes you feel instantly better. Sometimes giving to others even reminds us of who we are and of our worth. I was going through a particularly tough time, doubting my own value to the world, when I was presented with the opportunity to give back. In this case by running a workshop for the volunteers of the Rehabilitation Hospital on formulating a brand statement (I was still a patient there at the time). Being in Learning&Development, I love facilitating workshops but I hadn’t done so in eight months and the idea of standing in front of forty people was a bit daunting. I’m glad I did, though, because it was a huge turning point. The workshop was a success and got great feedback, making me realise that my walking isn’t perfect yet and my arm may never fully recover, but what makes me me is still there. Or, as I read in a quote "You can only lose something that you have, not something that you are".

9)   “Friends make good times better and hard times easier” – anonymous

People surprise you in many beautiful ways. Colleagues who came by on a regular basis to visit and bring food, my friends from the Netherlands who put together a schedule to ensure they were traveling over as frequently as possible so that I never had to be without one of them for more than two weekends in a row and so many people who sent cards, flowers and gifts. When, at one point, I was wondering if maybe people felt obliged to do all these wonderful things, the hospital psychologist said something that made me shift my thinking: “it’s much easier for people to do nothing. and there’s always an excuse to be found for that. When people are doing something, whether it’s sending a card or a present or coming to visit, they have to make an effort and that means they want to”. It's something I took to heart and that made me enjoy all the cards that were sent to me even more. Over the course of 5 months I received 124 and I put them all up on the wall next to my bed. Looking at this wall, on which a card of my VP hung right next to one of the office cleaning lady, I also decided life is about the positive impact we have on other people, not about the hours we work. Did all these people think of me because used to work 60+ hours a week? No! They wanted to encourage me because of who I am and how I made them feel, and that is something I will focus on more now that I'm back at work.

10) “It doesn’t matter how slow you go, as long as you don’t stop” (aka "never give up") - Confucius

One month after the bleed, one of the doctors came to talk to me and told me it was highly unlikely I would ever really walk again. In his words: “maybe you’ll manage a few simple steps around the house but that's about it”. Today I took 3243 steps and walked down the 1,3 kilometre long pier in front of my house. In my vocational rapport it reads “Sacha needs to understand and accept, it is unusual for people in her situation to return to work.” I understood but never accepted and today, not only do I work fulltime again, I'm also Head of Linkedin's global sales onboarding. Throughout my recovery I’ve continuously set goals and bar one, met all of them. Never allow others to decide what you can and cannot achieve. Set ambitious goals and come up with a plan to smash them. If I had listened to those who said it couldn’t be done, I’d be in a wheelchair today, still hoping for things to get better.