Feeling Gratitude for Bumps in the Road

By Chester Elton

Gratitude is often a function of focus. All of us experience problems, challenges, and conflicts in our lives. What if we could be grateful for each of the bumps in the road?

In their new book You CAN Change Other People , leadership gurus Peter Bregman and Howie Jacobson offer a way to turn those negative experiences into positive opportunities. Better yet, they teach us how to help others do it too.

This is a deeply compassionate and loving way of helping people in your life who are stuck, struggling, and self-sabotaging. They share four-steps you can use to help the people around you, and each step is a masterclass in actively seeking out the positive in the negative.

As I go through the steps, think about someone in your life you wish would change. Keep that person in mind as you go through the four steps.

The first step is a shift from critic to ally. When you’re frustrated with the behavior of another, it’s natural to criticize, give unsolicited advice, or try to motivate the person to change. But as Peter and Howie told me, people don’t resist change; they resist being changed. So coming at them as a critic almost invariably stokes their resistance, and damages your relationship.

Shifting to a stance of allyship—one in which you express empathy for their struggle and confidence in their ability to handle it—creates an opening for you to request and receive their permission to help. And once you have that, they’re asking for your support instead of rejecting it.

The second step, identify an energizing outcome, is a wonderful move that shifts focus from the problem (what others don’t want) to the desired outcome (what they do want). It’s amazing how powerful this shift can be. When we focus on what’s wrong, our brains operate in survival mode. We’re scanning the environment for threats, and therefore miss anything that doesn’t look like a threat, such as promising opportunities. When we help others shift their focus to an outcome that excites and energizes them, we orient their minds to hope, which allows them to fully tap their internal and external resources in the service of that outcome.

The third step, find a hidden opportunity, takes this shift from negative to positive to an even higher level. In it, you guide them to explore the question, “What could make me say, ‘I’m so glad I had this problem. I thought it was a brick wall, but it turned out to be a door to my energizing outcome’?”????????

The fourth step, create a level-10 plan, is where you support them to get specific about what they’re going to do, and by when. The key insight about this step is that the plan they create doesn’t have to be right, or perfect. What’s crucial is that they must be confident about following through. That’s because the plan is an experiment designed to produce action and learning. That takes all the pressure off: the pressure to predict the future; the pressure to perform perfectly; the pressure to solve the problem right away.

Gratitude is essential here too. It’s much easier to follow through on new behaviors when we are in touch with our blessings: all the wonderful things, circumstances and people in our lives.

And this works in reverse as well; taking these behavioral and emotional risks in the service of a better tomorrow can remind us to be grateful for what we already have. Not just the fun and happy stuff, but the hard things as well. The obstacles that force us to pivot; the constraints that invite us to innovate; the weights that challenge us to grow stronger.

Peter and Howie’s work helped change my world view to see that I can become better at positively impacting the people in my life—at work and at home—while becoming an ambassador of gratitude and positivity. I’d love to read your thoughts on this idea.

Love + gratitude,

If you are looking for a safe place to talk about anxiety at work and mental health, please join us at?We Thrive Together ?This is a free community that Adrian and I have started to help people who suffer from anxiety themselves or are managing people who are feeling anxious, burnout, and stress. We share ideas and show up for each other, and everyone is welcome.

Inviting you to check out the latest episode of "Anxiety at Work " podcast. It's a proven fact that you can't be in a state of anxiety and gratitude at the same time! Each week, my coauthor and dear friend,?Adrian Gostick ?and I talk to some of the world’s leading authorities on mental health and explore the causes of workplace stress and anxiety, along with practices that are proven to reduce tension and cultivate calm.

I love this quote!

I am?#grateful ?for the magic around me. The good people I know, the clouds, the trees, the water. I hope you all see the magic in your day today and that you will feel grateful.

#gratitude ?#leadingwithgratitude ?#findyourgratitude

THE BOOK CORNER:

This week, I would like to share?three books by some of my dearest friends.

Essential Wisdom for Leaders of Every Generation by Randy Hain

The Calling: Why Heathcare is So Special by Quint Studer

You Can Change Other People: The Four Steps to Help your Colleagues, Employees - Even Family - Up their Game by Peter Bregman and Howie Jacobson

Chester Elton has spent two decades helping clients engage their employees to execute on strategy, vision, and values. His work is supported by research with more than 1 million working adults, revealing the proven secrets behind high-performance cultures and teams. He and his coauthor, Adrian Gostick are the founders of The Culture Works, a global coaching, speaking, and training company.

Leading with Gratitude ?& Anxiety at Work are available wherever you like to get your books.?Visit?Leading with Gratitude Book ?for free resources including videos, podcast episodes, and more, to help you build a culture of gratitude.