Grammar Cops Can Be Tough: You Don't Want a Record!

My father was a tough Irish grammar cop. He always played by the rules, and his rules did not include worrying about anyone's feelings. He had six children, but that didn't make him any softer on spelling or grammar. In fact, if one of us made a mistake on a birthday or Father's Day card to him, the card would be returned with a big red circle drawn around the "evidence." Actually, it really didn't matter if it were addressed to him or not; his red circles could be found on anything he happened to read.

When I say he was tough, I mean that you couldn't get away with mistakes, even if you had just learned how to form your letters. We quickly learned to pay very close attention to the written word!

By the time I entered middle school, all six of us had graduated from my father’s Grammar Cop Academy. We lived in Berlin, Germany, because he had taken a side gig as an officer in the Army Corps of Engineers. Our kitchen was immediately converted into a Grammar Command and Control Center (GC3). Back then, technology was limited. We didn’t have artificial intelligence, spell check or grammar check. Instead of computers, iPhones or even a whiteboard, we wrote directly on our white Frigidaire.

What began as a source of amusement and news for family and friends—with puns, rhymes, announcements and jokes—quickly devolved into a trap for innocent bystanders. My friends would excitedly add onto the witty comments, only to return a few days later and find their humorous musings full of circles in the dreaded red ink. It was a school of hard knocks, but in relatively short order, most of our friends graduated from the Academy themselves.?

A few decades have passed, and my father is no longer with us. (Yes, the rumors are true: he was buried with a red pen. No, I am not kidding.) The Academy has not yet closed its doors though, because grammatical offenses still abound, both around the Beltway and beyond. Below are examples of common offenses that can still land you in trouble with ruthless grammar police. Believe me, you don’t want these to go on your record!

Principle or principal??This is a classic homonym error. Remember: the school leader was your princiPAL, and he was the MAIN leader. A principle is a rule that guides behavior.

Amount or number??Can you count the objects? Choose number. Is it uncountable, like sugar, coffee, tea? Choose amount. For example, it’s "the number of coins" but "the amount of money" and "the number of teacups" but "the amount of tea." Note that you can count people, no matter how large the crowd, so it’s never correct to say: “the amount of people.”?

Avoid using "would" on the same side of an "if" statement.?This offense is more common in speech than in writing: "If I would have seen her, I would have told her." Avoid it by remembering that the "would" statement is never used with "if." The correct way to say it is: "If I?had seen?her, I would have told her."

Oxford comma, yes or no? This is actually a question of style guide and preference, but the Oxford comma seems to have migrated to the U.S. and is becoming more common. This is the comma that you frequently see in a list of more than two items, right before the “and.” For example: “We sell software, hardware, and services.” The comma after the word “hardware” is optional, so the grammar cops will neither issue you a ticket nor throw you in jail. You can choose to use it or not, as long as you are consistent.

I or me??This misdemeanor is usually caused by a simple case of overcorrection. When you were young and trying to tell a story, your parents would interrupt whenever you said something like: “Me and my friend went to the mall." “My friend and I,” they would repeat, every single time. However, most parents forgot to mention that the rule is not quite that simple. When the pronoun is the object of an action or a preposition, you need to use him (or her) and me. You can check which pronoun is appropriate by taking away the extra person. You would never say: "Send it to I,” or “She is driving with I.” Remember: “me” is not a bad word; it is simply never a subject.

While we’re on the topic, please avoid saying: “her and I.” That's actually a felony.