Grace, Her Truth & The Judge

The months of December to March for parents with children 10 - 11 years of age can be quite demanding. This is the period when these young ones write their secondary school entrance examinations in Nigeria. I began the school selection process in December, enrolling my second daughter – Grace by name - for a few exams. I am not new to this process, her older sister is in senior secondary school and we (Mum & Dad) could have just decided a school for her – the obvious being her sister’s school. Our approach is that we engage and agree with them on the best school to attend.

In December of 2018, I decided I wanted her to try out for a particular school, the entrance examination of which has been rumored to be the toughest in the entire country. Parents hired special teachers to coach their children/wards for this particular exam. They were equally disappointed in the event their children/wards did not pass the exams. My daughter was not keen about the exams – the school is quite far from home. I believed that she could pull a great performance and so encouraged her to write the exam.

She wrote the exam on a Saturday morning in February of 2019. Together with her dad and younger sister, we drove her to the venue, checked her in and returned home. In another 5 hours, she was done. We picked her and listened to her thoughts about the various papers she had written. Overall, it was a good outing for her. She was very hopeful. And YES! She made it; our daughter had passed the “toughest” secondary school exam in Nigeria.  The next stage was the interview stage in Abuja, about 55mins by air.

My daughter & I made the trip to Abuja. We (Dad &Mum) believe in creating memories for them and this was a great opportunity. My daughter loved and still talks about her experience at the Hilton.

Lesson #1: PARTICIPATE! PARTICIPATE! Always take part in activities around you. Those are opportunities to validate yourself and add value to others. We (Dad & Mum) desired for her to take part in the process, being part of a process is important – you add value to yourself and others, you validate your ability and grow capacity. Success remains a function of participation.

being part of a process is important – you add value to yourself and others, you validate your ability and grow capacity. Success remains a function of participation.

Once we got to the school, she commenced the process. She had to do some written tests – more like psycho-metrics. After which we had to meet a panel of 7. I was also in the room and in fact at the table. The process commenced, she had to read a paragraph, answer some mental numeracy and literacy questions. I was full of pride as my daughter put on a command performance. There were other personality questions, which she handled quite well. Then comes the moment that triggered this article. A particular female panelist who looked the most unhappy of all at the table began to ask her questions. I would attempt to relay this in form of a dialogue:

Panelist (to Grace): ‘I hope you know that you will have to cut off this your beautiful hair when you join us’

At this point, my daughter who had never wanted to cut her hair went silent

Panelist: ‘Which will you choose your hair or the admission?’

Grace: (in a subdued tone) ‘I will choose the admission’

Panelist: 'Grace, go to the bed over there and pick the house wear' Grace walks briskly and picks the dress

Panelist: 'how would you wash this because this is what you will be wearing if you are admitted here?'

Grace: 'I will wash it if dirty.'

Panelist: ‘how will you wash it?’

Grace: ‘I would wash the collar and the armpit.’

Panelist: ‘good. Do you wash your clothes?’ (Tone starts getting stern)

Grace: ‘No, but I wash my underwears.’

Panelist: ‘Who washes your clothes?’

Grace: ‘The washing Machine.’

Panelist: (In a sterner tone) ‘that means we cannot admit you here. We don’t use washing machines.’

Grace: (keeps quiet, unsure where all of this is leading)

Panelist: ‘who washes your uniforms?’

Grace: ‘My Nanny’

Panelist: ‘We do not allow Nannies in the school, we cannot admit you.’

Grace: ‘I don’t wash because there is no time’  

She truly had no time. Since September 2018, her school timing had changed – resumption was 7am and closing was 4pm daily. She also was in school every Saturday between the hours of 9am – 12noon. In addition, she had extra lessons every Friday and Saturday.

Panelist: ‘then you cannot be here, we start by 5:20am and it’s a marathon till 9:30pm.’

Lesson #2: BULLYING BREEDS NO GOOD. How do you intimidate a 10year old? You should encourage and give her hope, letting her see possibilities in her future. Help people preserve their esteem and confidence. The world will be a better place if we do. 

At this point, I am watching my daughter being bullied and calculating when to come in. 33years ago, I was in the same position, my mum had taken me to Akure in Ondo State for my interview into The Federal Government Girls’ College. The panel made me feel at home, they encouraged me when I hesitated and they radiated warmth in their smiles.

Panelist: (to Grace) ‘Face your Mom and ask her why she did not teach you to wash’

My Daughter was wise enough to know what to do. She kept quiet. At this point, a storm was building inside me – Pity for my daughter whose truth was being questioned and anger because my capacity as a parent was being challenged. I then took over the conversation:

Me: (looking at my daughter, deliberately pointing in a bit of a rude manner to the female panelist and with a tightness of voice I said) ‘Grace, you will tell her that because you do not wash does not mean you can’t.’

The silence in the room was loud. I was not going to sit back and watch someone baselessly challenge my family values and truth. I wondered if she ever heard of ‘Emotional Intelligence.’ My anger at this time stemmed from the fact that it could have been a single mother in my position, who has done all in her power and means to raise a responsible child. What if it was a widow in the room?  This particular panelist and the entire process are emotional illiterates.

Lesson #3: EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE. This is a key requirement for successful interactions and engagements. The purpose of humanity is to increase our pool of shared meaning, not to diminish it. We must recognize that everyone has a perspective and a voice. Your perspective becomes questionable if it erodes the value of other people’s perspective.

The purpose of humanity is to increase our pool of shared meaning, not to diminish it.

The interview continued on a positive note and my daughter regained her confidence. After being drilled by 2 other panelists who were in happier spirits, the head of the panel stands, begins to walk toward me and says:

Head of Panel: (to me) ‘Madam, I hope you know if your daughter is offered the admission we expect you to be active in the PTA.’ (Parents, Teachers Association)

Me: ‘Yes I know. I have chaired PTA boards and understand the need to be involved.’

Head of Panel: ‘Not you, I mean your husband’

Me: (another bout of mixed feelings rising) ‘let me set the context here, my husband and I are fully involved in raising our children. We do not abdicate that responsibility. Her father teaches her Mathematics. He has accompanied her to more exam venues than I have.

Head of Panel: This is well noted Madam.

Lesson #3: ASSUMPTIONS are dangerous. Maybe I am falling into the same trap but I feel the Revd Father wanted to be sure there was a man in the picture. My husband’s details were in the various forms. But he needed to rub in the fact that he was not present. Why can the school not accept people for who they are and respect their Truths? We will not shut down the entire family because one of us is attending a school interview.

He then hands me a paper with the fees and other information about the school. The interview ends, my daughter is smiling and we both head to the airport to catch the 2pm flight to Lagos.

Responding to my curiosity, I decided to ask colleagues, friends and acquaintances about their experience. I then found out that for all those who attended with both parents, they were treated with more courtesy. They were not asked these confidence-bruising questions. The school had fallen into the stereotype trap based on certain beliefs. They forget that, I could have tutored my daughter to answer their questions accordingly (which I would not do), there might have been families with both parents separated yet there together for the interview, families with live-out fathers who show up for the interview and so on. In the first instance, the school notification did not in any way state that both parents must attend.

I felt a rare sense of anger wash over me. The process was judgmental and unforgiving.

I know you are wondering; so did she get the admission? Yes she did! On 3rd of April, we got the news. We (Mum, Dad & Grace) had however made up our minds that she would not be accepting the offer of admission. We have since moved on.

The school lost me as a customer and left me with a sour experience. I hope school handlers, teachers and childcare givers learn something from this.