Grab Fear by the Collar

Take a minute and think about the one best friend of yours who regularly asks you to do something uncomfortable. Not the bad-influence friend who takes you places where you can get into trouble and even get hurt. No, not that one! The good one, the one who periodically suggests an adventure or change that feels scary but always turns out to be amazing. That one. That is Renée Elise Goldsberry’s starring role in my life.

I’m not shy, but I struggle in crowds, large groups, and loose social events. It’s apparently invisible to observers — I’ve heard that socializing looks easy for me, but it’s not. My happy place is head down, figuring something out, then executing that thing with a team of essential people. Essential. I do work very hard at being social, though, and had gotten quite good it — until the pandemic allowed me to reenter my comfortable silo.

Renée periodically says, “Kali, let’s do [some adventurous thing]!” with such excitement and joy that I reflexively commit and then later think, “Where am I, and what in the world have I gotten myself into?” when it’s too late to turn back. And so it was with the 2021 Billboard Music Awards. Renée was presenting the award for Best Female Artist and asked me to style her hair for the event.

I love hair. I love my family. And I like platforms for positive influence and change, so I said yes, of course. “I’ll fly in — it will be great.” Then, to prepare, I did just a bit of research about the BBMAs. I’d helped beautiful women prepare for the Oscars and Grammys but had to do my research about the vibe of the BBMAs. This year’s awards were based on the chart period of March 21, 2020, through April 3, 2021. The ceremony typically draws a younger audience, and the awards are touted as fairer and less political; fans vote for two of the categories. I was excited to style her hair for that type of event!

I scanned 2021 red carpet images, intrigued about the opportunity to creatively display Renée’s natural curl with her new, modern bob. My excitement was about the opportunity to showcase more of what can be done creating glam cuts and styles for highly textured hair. There’s just not enough of that out there, in my opinion!

I also long for Black women in the entertainment industry, who entrust their images and styling to experts, to have access to hair-styling talent that understands our hair and can brilliantly create looks that honor and uplift the essence of what makes us beautifully, aesthetically different. My heart sank when John Oliver reminded us that “even in Hollywood, stylists who are familiar with Black hair and are in the stylist union are rare.” If executed properly, the styling of Renée’s hair could encourage more celebrity and media hairstylists to envision and create great cuts and styles that really showcase what highly textured hair can do! I was excited about the idea of Renée’s curls being her own, well cut, and glamorously well styled. Yes. Yes. Yes!

Yet my excitement dwindled and turned to fear when later Renée mentioned that she could keep a member of the glam squad with her throughout the evening at the event, and that that would be me. Ugh! I tried to figure my way out and could not. Once again, she had done it! What would I wear? Shit! Shit! Shit! The fear that set in was profound. The more I thought about the personal visibility and social aspects that might be required, the more I questioned my ability to deliver, even in my area of greatest expertise: hair. How masterful are our enemies fear and doubt! Decades of experience that proved I had all the talent needed were threatened by an almost crippling fear of social engagement.

I asked for help for the things I could not do well on my own. Members of my kitchen cabinet offered support and wardrobe styling solutions and prayed with me. They provided the scaffolding I needed to chill out about the “soft skills” so I could get back in the flow and focus on my focus. Flow is a wonderful thing. And Renée is an amazing styling canvas, as I’m sure the other members of her glam squad would agree (Autumn Moultrie and Sarah Slutsky, you rock!)

Renée said in an interview that evening, “It is so good to not only be out but out together again, celebrating the artists who kept us together through the solitude.” A few days of reflection have made me all the more grateful for a beautiful friend to help me crack through the artificially safe place quarantine had created for this secret introvert. Growth and greatness require discomfort. So, today send some love to that friend of yours who gives you the courage to grab fear by the collar and tell it, “Buckle up, bitch! I’m about to do a thing, and your ass is coming along for the ride!”