Got Resilience?

(click for podcast) (8:21 min.)

“If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs…” – Rudyard Kipling

? This is a hard topic to tackle as I’m fighting with the subject myself these days. One thing we know as an absolute fact: the most powerful skillset we have for success is optimism. This success might only be our resilience to not feel beaten down, but that’s still success. Being able to see this is a huge step in the right direction.

Looking at the shadow of something can illuminate its opposite. I’ve used this to help clients identify their values for years. I went into more detail on this last month, but just to recap, think about what ticks you off. The opposite is probably a value. If lying ticks you off, honesty is probably a value. If meanness ticks you off, kindness is probably a value.

So maybe we can look at pessimism as the shadow of optimism. If we look at what makes us feel beaten down and depressed, doing the opposite ought to help us feel the opposite.

Dr. Martin Seligman of Penn State came up with the three “Ps” of depression and pessimism. He's considered by many to be the father of positive psychology. The first is personalization. How many times have you heard “don’t take things personally?” It’s even in Don Miguel Ruiz’ “The Four Agreements.”

When we take things personally, we’re coming from a me-centric perspective. Here’s a silly example: an acorn falls on your head. Do you think the tree had it in for you? Or could it be a thing happened and you happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time?

If we look at a person saying something mean to you, is it really about you, or more likely something going on for them, and that's how they dealt with it? When we take ourselves out of the center of perspective, our perception shifts as well.

The next “p” on the list is permanence, We know logically that nothing is permanent. Even our sun will go nova eventually. Anything that’s happening will not be permanent. It may feel permanent, but that’s when we put ourselves back in the center of the perspective. Once again, stepping back from that me-centric space, it’s easy to see that nothing is permanent.

The third “p” is pervasiveness. This one is really connected to depression, as it invokes the narrative that we’re powerless, and no matter what we do, this thing will always happen, everywhere, all the time. There are elements of math and physics that this may be true for, but certainly not for us dynamic, changing, organic beings.

If we want to create the perfect narrative for depression, all we need to do is string all three together. That might be something like “this always happens to me no matter what I do.” Talk about painting yourself into a corner!

So to not go there, we need to consciously, intentionally focus on the opposite. “This isn’t about me. This isn’t permanent. This won’t always be the case everywhere all the time.” This inner narrative starts our mind on the road to optimism.

Despite the giant issues in the world that we can’t control, there are things we can do to maintain our own sanity and hopefully build that skillset of optimism. Some of these may sound familiar, yet we don’t always practice what we know is healthy for us.

Here are six things you can do to build your internal optimism, and help you maintain your inner strength and resilience:

1. Practice gratitude:Make a conscious effort to acknowledge the good things in your life, no matter how small. It’s often said that happiness is not about getting what you want, but in wanting what you have.

2. Focus on small wins:Celebrate even minor achievements and positive moments to shift your perspective. Small wins have a cumulative effect in dopamine and serotonin increase. These help us to be more resilient and fight depression. Along with these little wins, reflect on past successes too. Remind yourself of how you've overcome difficulties in the past. We often add a “yeah, but…” perhaps aiming for humility, but it works against our self-confidence.

3. Challenge negative thoughts:Recognize when you're engaging in negative self-talk and actively reframe your thinking to be more optimistic. We often create worst case scenarios in our heads. If we’re doing strategic planning, this can be helpful, but the rest of the time, not so much. It’s called catastrophizing, and takes us the opposite direction from optimism.

4. Connect with positive people:It’s harder to maintain a positive attitude when those around you are being negative. Seek out the friends and family who can help cheer you up.

5. Engage in self-care:Prioritize activities that promote well-being like exercise, meditation, and hobbies. It may not sound like self-care, but humor is very powerful in its impact on our perspectives, mood, and even our biochemistry. I always make sure that the last thing I watch on my screen before shutting down electronics, is comedy, so I have dopamine and endorphins flowing before sleep, rather than stress hormones.

6. Seek solutions:Feeling powerless invites depression and pessimism, so to fight this, we can brainstorm ways to address what we can impact and move forward. This can include setting small, realistic goals that are more achievable short term. This ties back to celebrating small wins giving you a sense of progress and self determination.

We need to remember that nothing is permanent. Sometimes we need to wait out a cycle of negative events, and that’s a hard and painful pill to swallow. However, to stay strong and resilient, optimism is still our best tool for the job.