The Gospel of Fuller

The year is 2871.

Civilization as we know it has come to an end after an uncontrolled pandemic of restless leg syndrome. The survivors have stumbled upon buried thumb drives of old 1980s and 1990s movies and have rebuilt society on the principles of its side characters.

Shaman: "Good morning Ekgublaisha tribe, the warriors of the Yvitsimumbi, and Chuck.

Today, we examine a reading from Fuller 9:12.

"O, behold, a great waft came across the McCallister dwelling in the throes of the dark Chicagoan winter. A waft of urine from the attic, smiting the family after an evening of pizza and the reckless distribution of Pepsi to Fuller the Merciful."

Now, what do you think that means for us today?

Jesse: Why was he called 'Fuller the Merciful'? Wetting the bed doesn't seem to be a particularly merciful act, especially since his father Frank, blessed be, already packed the rubber sheets.

Shaman: Do not blaspheme Fuller, blessed be, with such a question. His mercy was self-evident when his brother Kevin the Cruel, cursed be, lamented that he may have to sleep in the attic due to his misbehavior. And still, Fuller the Merficul did not smite Kevin the Cruel with his rod and staff; rather he took another swig of Pepsi and gave Kevin the Cruel a menacing look while saying, "Yeah, with me!". It was a warning for Kevin to not cross his mother, who would once again forget him in an act of shockingly neglectful parenting; cursing Kevin the Cruel to another season of war with the Bandits of Wet.

Jesse: What about Buzz the Wise?

Shaman: Buzz the wise was busy guarding the home against the South Bend Shovel Slayer, known to the Chicagoites as "Old Man Marley".

Jesse: Wait - Is that who OldManMarleyVille is named after?

Shaman: Very good, Jesse. Yes, it is. Now, to answer your prior question, Fuller the Merciful maintained an alliance with Buzz the Wise, laughing as he drummed candles on the head of Kevin the Cruel during the Christmas pageant. Fuller the Merciful, blessed be, knew such an alliance would protect the land against the plague of Buzz's tarantulas.

Jesse: Is that why we celebrate the feast of Fuller?

Shaman: It is! The feast of Fuller is a celebration of the overcoming of childhood incontinence with laughter, thinly-veiled threats and getting one's nose smashed in when one's father pushes you against the wall with a chair in the midst of a panic over spilled milk on passports.

Jesse: How long has that tradition been going on?

Shaman: Getting your nose smashed in when your father pushes you against the wall with a chair in the midst of a panic over spilled milk on passports? That's been passed down from father-to-son since the beginning of time itself. It's as old as the land and the trees and the birds.

Jesse: Is that also why we scream, "Wake up! Mom! Dad! It's Christmas!" and startle our elders while frantically running around in fully-comped hotel suites?

Shaman: That tradition arrived later. The council of "Lost in New York" assembled hundreds of days after the exit of Fuller the Merciful's Pepsi and decreed that to be the cannonic word of Fuller, blessed be.

Jesse: I dunno, seems weird.

Shaman: You're weird.