Goodbye to 2024

Off the Page and onto the Stage

In January 2024 life and the challenges I was presented with, looked very different to today, December 2024.

I go forward in recognition that life is not endless. We have a finite amount of time here. It's something we are all aware of but, the reality is that decline, physical and cognitive, can come knocking before our time is up.

I acknowledge this fact as I witness the deterioration of my dad, who lives with mixed Dementia.

And now that I believe he is safe, this understanding and relief, has given me a lust for life and an urge to notice opportunities and grab them.

The voice I have been leaving on the page, is ready to speak out, to be louder, in spite of the vulnerability I experience. I embrace the learning with gratitude and within my stories honour a creative outlet that has served me well since childhood when I first began writing; when I intuitively took care of my mental wellbeing without understanding it is what I am doing.

It is because of a difficult year and more months on top of that, that I find myself here, at the end of the EyeStorm Women's Speaker program and standing up and owning my story, albeit it in a condensed 13 minute clip.

Psst, it was supposed to be 8 minutes.

Here's some feedback which I am blown away by:

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Quite lost for words , very emotional listening.?You should be doing more of that. I didn’t see many nerves there at all.

A very powerful speech, M

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Thanks so much for sending this. I am sobbing. I needed time to really engage and I did. You are brave and amazing. The cloak is beautiful but is the past, as you say.? The cloak of the present is the most splendid you’ll ever wear, P

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very well done! That’s such an achievement and how lovely that you realised the cloak was no longer appropriate (I can’t remember the words you used). What a great way to work through your feelings about your dad and your childhood. I’m sure your mum would be over the moon for you. S

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I have just watched your video.

WOW WOW WOW!!!!!

You had me in tears, and laughing it was amazing Nicola. You need to do more of those speeches. You’re really good at it and everything is so true.

Well done. Absolutely amazing, P

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Welll done you did great, that was brilliant . Natural, L

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The title of my speech is ' The Introverts Paper Playground'. Please do leave a comment if it resonates.

The Introverts Paper Playground

This side of 2024, I'm settled in a new routine that includes self care and growth. And a desire to stop hiding in the shadows.

In September 2024, I felt free to resume my life again, without the fear that someone in Adult Social Services may burst the bubble and move dad to a home more budget friendly and as in his first home, inadequate to meet his complex needs. Adult Care Services are in financial crisis. This is not helpful for our loved ones that deserve dignity and care and unless you are persistent and aware of what you need to do in order to achieve care that ought to be a right, you can find yourself in a fight for the right.

However, as I sit and write this, I feel it is only now that I am trusting that dad has his forever home, a permanent caring home, that he sometimes believes is the barracks and other times a hotel.

In this place, Mum pays him visits, even though we lost her in 2013, and there is a big part of me that believes her spirit is taking care of him. His face lights up when he tells me about her visiting.

He tells me his dad his probably downstairs and his mum was just there and she must be down the corridor. Have I seen them?

"No," I answer. "I must have just missed them." All the while knowing the truth of our present and reality.

"I'm not sure your Mum is happy that I'm here," he offers. "But..." and he leaves words unspoken. I ask, "What makes you feel that?" I don't get a response just a shrug.

I emerged from being a full time carer, understanding or perhaps being reminded of my strengths:

• Sensitivity
• Empathy
• Cognitive Empathy
• Adaptibility
• Tenacity
• Management skills
• People skills
• Determination
• Intuition
• Instinct

So, with this reminder of ability and capability, in August 2024, I signed up for the EyeStorm Women Speaker program run by the founder Mi Elfverson FRSA and recommended and supported by my former coach and friend Nina Khoo and with boundless positivity and support from Linz Creates.

Before

Some of you may remember my story from previous newsletters and posts.? I was estranged from dad for 9 years and when I caught up with him in July 2023, I immediately entered into a fight to keep him alive.

By contacting his friends, I was able to piece his years of our estrangement together and establish that his cognitive decline had been significantly noticeable 4 years earlier. But it may have begun before we lost our mum in 2013 when he suffered his first TIA.

When I visited him he had steak in the fridge for his dog and nothing for himself.

When I visited him I found food in cupboards, years past their use by dates.

When I visited him, I found cleaning stuff in the fridge and food in the oven.

When I visited him, he had no idea why we were estranged.

When I visited him there was no opportunity for closure, to examine the who, what, where, when and how of or relationship.

His posture is stooped and his weight was dangerously low.

He had many visits from ambulances on a regular basis, before I visited.

And while revisiting this part of my life was not on my agenda, we have found peace with one another. And I forgive him. I never really understood how saying that and believing it can be a weight lifted.

People will tell you that Dementia can turn the kindest person angry and unrecognisable. And it can do much more than that.

We are experiencing more kindness than we have seen our entire lives. And we are witnessing the child trying to find safety.

Now

It was difficult changing from the caregiver to focusing on my needs, but one of the lessons I learned from dad’s situation, is to seize the moment.? Feel the fear and do it anyway, before choice is taken away from me.

I began this new chapter with EyeStorm Women and I am writing my 'Introverts Paper Playground' workshop ready for a New Year.

Testing the waters

Some years ago I went for a taster session at a toastmaster evening, I believe it was pre-pademic.? I didn’t get up, I was there to get a feel for it.? It terrified me so much, I never went back.?

I didn’t even like standing up with power point presentations at work. All eyes on me, no thank you.

EyeStorm women

The Eyestorm program was very different

There were so many nerves, so much anxiety.? So many, ‘What if’s?’

And then:

1. Can I face myself on camera?
2. Can I tell my story?
3. Can I deliver it?

The EyeStorm Women program is wonderfully effective and gentle, and at the end you have your 8 minutes to make an impact, 8 minutes to shine (13 for mine - whoops) and you confront the negative self-talk and amazingly in such a short period you go from a 'no can do' to a 'can do' attitude

I don’t back out of commitment, so I was always going to get up, whatever that looked like as an end result.?

What made climbing up onto that stage easier was watching the women who went up before me. Women who had taken the same journey to arrive at that moment and who, like me, had never let their light shine so bright before.

Tell your daughters to take up space

And then there was Eyestorm Em so young and singing her heart out.? And the pride in her supportive mum Linz Creates , was heart warming.

We really need to tell our daughters to stand up and spread out more.? I am excited to see where Em, the future generation, will take her talent.

I was second to last on the day, but this was 5 decades in the making. I bloody enjoyed it. I am the master of my own story and I delivered.

What’s next

My aim is to tell stories until the day my stories dry up, whether they are true life, about justice and injustice, for educational purposes or simply fictional stories that help an audience escape.? That’s what I wish for in 2025 and beyond.

I will be opening my workshop face-to-face and online - ‘The Introverts Paper Playground’. I am learning that being alone is amazing, but collaboration is quite the warm hug, so I will collaborate with the many people I have met along the way in my workshops.

I will be working on my inner voice and digging deeper with Vocal Yoga.

And most of all, I will remind myself to celebrate the little wins and massive growth, I have achieved for many, many years.

I am immensely proud, and I have to acknowledge that seldom have I stopped to recognise the road I have travelled and the obstacles I have overcome, but I will endeavour to celebrate the wins going forward.

Taking care of Dad

I visited Dad on 18th December 2024, it's a 7 hour round trip to get to him.

He tells me, as he always does, that he has no visitors and doesn’t do anything.?

But we, as a family, know he does as we can see him singing along with the entertainers that visit, we get a glimpse of him playing the piano in the clips the care home takes and shares.

The piano was put in place just for him. Music is so wonderful for people living with Dementia.

My sister and her partner are there to sit with him or take him out to the cafe for a cuppa, almost every week. He has no concept of time or dates, but feels their absence when they haven't visited due to other commitments.

Each time I visit, a little bit more of today disappears for him. He doesn't remember the grandchildren, great grandchildren or our spouses and partners.

He asks me each time if I have met anyone special yet. I used to say, "I think Graeme might object, if I found someone else."

And I point Graeme out on the latest Gazette which we, his family, compile for him each month. And I point out the grandchildren and everyone else, and we smile... and he forgets.

He tells me how he's just been doing Taekwondo, and his suit (dobok) got ripped.

I'm no longer sure he always remembers my name. He very rarely calls me by it and my brother mentioning it on a call to him on 18th, reminded him of it.

Each time I visit, we revisit his old memories. Each time I visit I have no idea, what to expect, but I always open the conversation with, 'Guten tag, Herr Martin.' I hope he never forgets how to answer me.

A Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

However, you mark the holidays, I hope it is peaceful and brings you joy.

Christmas is my very favourite time of year. And I love giving gifts. I believe the biggest children in the house on the day are my husband and myself.

All I need is a tree and lights and I visit my happy place, content in the present and with memories of Christmases gone.

Please take good care of yourself and may 2025 bring you challenges that are good and opportunities that you can choose.

My name is Nicola McDonald and I'm an Author and Creative Writing Coach.

Contact: https://linktr.ee/nicolamcdonaldwriteyourway