The Good Time Charlie Parent: Co-Parenting Mistakes and Tips During Divorce

I got a message from a client recently recounting her frustration with her soon-to-be ex, aka the father of her children. I could feel her deflated spirit as she wrote about an encounter with her young son who asked her why she was bugging him, “Daddy doesn’t bug me. Daddy lets me do what I want.” FYI, these are words of a 5-year-old.

And sidenote: ‘bugging me’ = parenting.

I wanted to scoop her up in my arms and console her — to remind her that simply put, sometimes being a great parent sucks! This was one of those moments for her. And oh, do I remember them well.

In a perfect world two parents would behave like responsible adults, devise a plan and maintain consistent parenting no matter who was in charge of the kids. But hey, that may be a lot to ask for because in a truly ‘perfect’ world — you wouldn’t be getting divorced. Yet here we are.

And newsflash: You both need to get out of the way!

Parents are inconsistent for many reasons — pure laziness, spite or worse yet, trying to solicit the kids to ‘their’ team, pitting them against the other parent. It’s the ol tug-o-war in action. The ego is sly this way.

Nothing makes me angrier than this as a mama and a coach. This short-term gain reaps long term pain for your children. Read that again.

There’s another parenting mishap that occurs when one parent is not used to ‘parenting’. They fought for 50/50 custody but have no clue how do to what you’ve done all these years. And instead of asking for help or advice, bungle through with inconsistency and disruption.

My ex used to drop my small son back off at my house after a weekend of fun — all strung out on lack of sleep and jacked up on sugar, junk food and too much time on electronics. You can imagine how that played out. I always felt like Sunday night was a detox in our house. Serious UGH.

What do your kids really need? Well, there certainly are practicalities like a roof over their head and food in their belly, but what they need most during this time of upheaval is your support and your love.

Even in the chaos, the greatest medicine is your presence.?

It’s not about perfect words, it’s about how they feel. Are they safe to explore their feelings and share them with you? Are they safe to tell you how all these transitions are impacting them? They are likely swimming upstream in emotions unable to even put words to all that they are experiencing. This applies to kids of all ages.

This is where you come in and they are counting on you even if they don’t realize it.

Another mama in our program was struggling with messy transitions. Her ex was digging in his heels and not agreeing to co-parent. The handoffs were filled with drama and tears — and then once dad had the kids, he would text her all night soliciting her help.

You can’t have it both ways buddy! Get on board or don’t. This is all totally avoidable, but it takes fierce dedication to the core objective: get the kids through this transition with calm resolve.

When one parent won’t get on board, you’ll likely need to put some firm boundaries in place like:

• Figure out a neutral space for handoffs with kids (park, restaurant, library)
• Put routine in place and a clearly defined parenting schedule (i.e. prepare your kids)
• Reaffirm what your house rules are with the kids and be consistent, so they know what to expect from you / your house
• Create rules of engagement with your ex. I.e. no contacting me aside from emergencies when you have the kids
• Foster a sense of safety and calm in your house so your kids know what they are coming home to

It’s amazing to me how preoccupied some parents can be — so much so that they don’t see how they are stepping right over their kids needs in light of their own.

Parents often succumb to over-indulging their kids as a means of overcompensating for all the other stuff they don’t want to deal with. Don’t try to buy your kids’ love. No shiny object can give them what they really need — your love and your presence.?

Far too often, there is a parent who I refer to as a ‘good time Charlie’. This is the parent who wants to make every visitation feel like a trip to Disneyland…an over-indulgence of material goods, stimulation, crappy food…and shallow conversation. What kid wouldn’t love that?

And then…a strung-out, over-tired, cranky child is returned to your doorstep courtesy of the person you are divorcing. And you are left to clean up the mess.

This pattern of over-compensation ultimately serves no one.

Now let’s just interrupt this regularly scheduled program to point out that you may be that ‘good time Charlie’ parent. You may think that what is best for your child is to deflect the realities of the divorce at the moment and take the path of least resistance. And dealing with emotions may be uncomfortable.

That’s OK.

I’m not saying that you’re doing anything to knowingly dis-serve your child. However, pretending that this divorce, and all its potential ramifications aren’t happening — doesn’t make any of it go away.??

As with you, your kids need to get it out. They also need an outlet.

And while we’re on the subject, I’m going to talk about something you might not want to admit...that somewhere inside, it actually feels validating when your kids don’t want to go with your ex. BOOM!

Don’t make it about you.

Don’t make it about you.

Don’t make it about you.

Maybe the transitions between houses and parents are a very rocky road...and maybe, just maybe it feels good when they choose YOU over him/her and don’t want to go...but the reality is, again, everyone loses here. No one benefits from this upset.

This is the stuff no one prepares you for. No one tells you that the hardest part may be showing up for your kids, stepping aside and fostering a space for them to love the other parent no matter what.

It may even mean intervening upon your ex’s behalf and standing in solidarity. Yep, no easy task. But you know who wins in this equation? Everyone.

Peaceful transitions. Healthy relationships between your kids and their parents. Validated feelings. Win. Win. Win.

Short term pain, long term gain...however you have to get there. This is an investment in your future and the emotional health of your kids.

What your kids need is consistency, a solid foundation and routine that they can count upon during the chaos of divorce — not a dose of ‘Good Time Charlie’. They won’t like it in the moment when you are countering it — and it likely won’t feel good to you either, but stay the course, mama. This is a worthy investment!

And sadly, even if your ex won’t get on board...stay the course mama. 50% responsible parenting is less than 100% but so much better than 0%.

Follow your intuition. Invest in your future and the future of your kid’s wellbeing. One day you may even be able to laugh about it. You won’t ever regret staying the course.

Parenting and co-parenting in divorce isn’t cookie cutter by any means. There are no perfect words or guidelines. You know your kids best. You know where they are most vulnerable and where they need you most. Your parenting doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s, but you want to come at it from a place of heart, intuition, boundaries, self-regulation and self-care so that the foundation you establish beneath your feet and that of your children is solid.

If you're a career-oriented mother facing off with divorce — struggling with your emotions, worried about your kids, your finances and your future — book a free Divorce Strategy Session and we'll show you a better way through it, saving you time, money and a LOT of heartache.

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