Good Grief-This Holiday Season

Like for some of you, this past year was one of multiple losses, which for me is making this the first Christmas without certain relatives and close family members, including my mom. We all know that the world doesn’t stop for our losses. People will still be attending Midnight Mass (or other religious traditions that are essential to their faith), and some will watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” where Charlie waits to receive just one Christmas card to help him brush off  his Yuletide blues. Friends and loved ones will still go about exchanging cookies, cards, and gifts, observing the rituals of the holiday season. 

For me, I am ending this year of loss, with a realization that now comforts me- and that is the realization that we are all terminal. We are all bound by the fragility of our human bodies that will, eventually cease to function. Rather than causing fear, this realization has comforted me, as none of us knows how long we have to spend together or share this time on earth with those we love. The awareness of my own mortality has caused this past year to be full of sorrow but also incredible sweetness. It’s taught me to truly take time to appreciate the beauty the world has to offer, and the time I have with my loved ones (including my dogs). 

In light of that, I have spent more time with my partner, adopted a puppy, traveled to destinations I had only dreamed of visiting, and spent quality time with my godsons. I had more talks with my closest friends, and a much-anticipated visit. I reconnected with some important people who mentored me in the past and said thank you. When I am in a moment with someone I am now fully in that moment because I know the next is not guaranteed. 

I’ve realized grief comes in waves. The scene I picture is one of standing on the sand in front of the ocean and watching the waves wash over your feet, pulling sand along with them. It comforts me to remember I am till standing, grounded, no matter how the water pulls. Some days feel normal, and some are harder. For all of you who are grieving remember that however personal your grief experience feels you are truly not alone. We all still stand on that shoreline.

Another thing that became clearer to me this year is my own resiliency and hardiness. Everything we know can change, and although we may have traditions that help ground us, we also have the freedom to look outside those patterns for new experiences. Nothing needs to stay the same  — not traditions, not our choices, or the way we enter into new seasons of life. I’ve always heard that life is changing but never took that to heart until this year. We can adapt, change, and grow, in ways that are beyond what we have ever imagined. We can also choose to dig deeper into our own lives and find more ways to understand, create, serve, love and grow. And we can come through a year like this, and have in some ways, a different take on what we want to do in the world and how we want to be within it moving forward.

To encourage you, the holidays will come and go, just like they do every year, and it is up to you to decide how to participate. You can keep traditions or you can let them go, or start over. If the holidays feel like too much, you can skip them this year altogether and do what is best for you. A close friend of mine was sad her grown sons couldn’t visit for Thanksgiving this year so she and her husband made plans to do something different and enjoyed a new kind of day.

What I do know is, taking good care of yourself is about honoring what is best for you while holding in mind that nothing is permanent but the time you have in this moment. As we all move into this new year ahead, I have profound hope that the world can become a better place and we all can find our place in it more fully and completely as we have greater awareness of this moment along with those seemingly (sacred) ordinary moments that can pass to quickly if we aren't fully living in the now.