Good Grief: Does it Exist, and How Do We Find It?

A few weeks ago, I lost a friend. I only knew her for four months, but after getting to know her and her family, it was still hard to realize that I won’t be able to carry on another conversation with her this side of heaven. The last time I saw her, she was in a great deal of pain and had trouble keeping her eyes open. It was clear that the Lord was going to take her home soon. I found myself greedily trying to commit her face to memory every time she opened her eyes.?

Her eyes are blue. This is the shade they are. Don’t forget!

I like to go on DeviantArt to process loss in the form of poetry. I was writing a poem about her and then learned one of my friends from DeviantArt had also passed away.

I’ve lost several people over the years, and “grieving well” is not something I’d say my family has a natural propensity toward. I’m included in that - I might avoid using substances to dull the pain, but my natural reaction to grief is still very destructive. (My siblings can tell many tales about my poor coping mechanisms - I just hope I haven’t scarred anyone for life.)

Why is Grief Care Important?

When I found out our church had a grief care program, I decided to enroll to become a grief mentor. I learned the hard way that getting stuck in grief only causes more problems, and as I got older, I realized that the people I was grieving wouldn’t want me to stop living simply because they did.

They would want me to keep going. They’d also want me to remember them in healthy ways.

It was still a very long road, however, because I didn’t make use of the many resources available to me during my times of grief. One of my goals in pursuing a certification as a grief mentor was to be the resource that I wish I’d had.

(In terms of bad advice for grief/grievers, when my brother’s friend was hit by a car and died at the young age of seventeen, I was told by a leader in my church that since they couldn’t be there, I would have to “be strong” for their family and refrain from crying at the funeral. There is nothing wrong with tears and grieving families welcome them. Tears are a healthy expression of loss, so please don’t buy into the lie that you need to be strong all the time.)

Does Good Grief Exist?

I know a woman who lost the love of her life after a great many years doing everything together.? They were the ultimate power couple; they complemented each other perfectly. She came to church the Sunday after she lost him, and through her tears, smiled and said she was so happy that he was rejoicing with his Savior, but she’d miss him very much.

Up until that point, I didn’t realize there was a healthy way to grieve. Even without mind-numbing substances, my grief was usually more along the lines of Naomi from the book of Ruth: I went around asking people to call me “bitter,” because that’s what I was. I was angry at God and blamed him for my losses.?

But Ruth - in spite of her loss of a husband - exhibited a “good grief” in that she was devoted to her mother-in-law, (presumably) letting her love for her late husband propel her to both to trust in God and to do everything in her power to provide for Naomi.

(Is it super obvious my church is reading from the book of Ruth right now? I am LOVING IT.)

Grief is How We Remember

I learned that there are many different types of grief. Grief can be complicated by several emotions, and it can be compounded by multiple losses.?

When a terminal illness is involved, it’s not uncommon for family members to experience a sense of relief in that the person is no longer in pain or in need of daily care. It might feel like their lives have been on hold up to this point, and to some extent, that’s true. It doesn’t mean the family loved the person any less - it simply means part of the grieving process already began with their diagnosis, and each subsequent health event.?

In cases where an abusive family member dies, there can be multiple elements of grief: relief that the person can no longer hurt them, grief that they are gone (for whatever sliver of relationship was there), grief over the relationship they should have had, and guilt over the relief they feel because the person can’t hurt them.?

Grief isn’t easy. But it is how we remember. It is good to remember.

Healthy Ways to Process Grief

I process grief by writing. Poetry and journaling both help me a lot. Here are some other ways to process grief that have been healthy for people:

• Talk to someone. Don’t feel like you need to talk to someone simply because they’re urging you to - you owe it to no one and should get to choose who you open up to - but you definitely should speak to someone, especially if other ways of processing grief aren’t helping you.
• Cry. Cry by yourself or have a good cry with trusted friends as you talk about your memories with your loved one who died. Tears are a welcome release, and shouldn’t be bottled up for too long. (That said, there may be certain places or times you don’t feel comfortable crying, and that’s OK!)
• Sleep. Grief is an exhausting process. One minute you feel fine, the next it’s like your body is being battered by blows as the rolling sea of grief rises up again. It’s OK to take a nap in the middle of the day if you need to, especially if you find yourself waking in the middle of the night because you miss your friend or family member.?
• Exercise. Some people process grief best by doing a workout. Mental stress from grief might need a physical release, so going for a walk, jog, etc. can be a helpful way to get pent-up frustration out of your system.
• Find support. It’s hard to grieve alone, and for most people, it’s the worst thing you can do. Seek out the support of friends, loved ones, and counselors so that you aren’t going it alone.?
• Be gentle / pace yourself. Don’t expect to be freed from grief - it’s an ongoing journey. Don’t put yourself on a timeline or allow anyone else to do so. You can - and should - still grieve a year, two, or several years after you lose a person. Grief is a lifelong process; even if your life continues to grow around that loss, it will still leave a mark.?
• Preserve the memories. An unfortunate side effect of loss is that we begin to forget. We might not remember how they smiled, or the gleam they had in their eyes when they were up to something. So if you have something to remember them by (or want to jot down some memories), you should absolutely cherish it.
• Honor them. What are the best things about the person you loved? How can you keep some of those things for yourself, and in that way, keep their memory alive? We are a sum of the people who have gone on before us. Whether you choose to implement a new family tradition or honor them in another way, that is a good way to grieve.?
• Use their names. People are sometimes afraid to speak the name of your loved one because they think it'll make you cry. By using their names, you give them permission to do so as well, and by assuring them that the tears are not unwelcome, they may feel empowered to mourn as well.
• Lean on Jesus. My faith has become an indispensable part of grieving well. My Lord knows my sorrows and is the comforter of my heart. He wept at Lazarus’ tomb and He weeps with me in my loss… and many times, I can rejoice despite my loss because I know that my loved ones are with their Savior now.

I know this newsletter is a departure from the others I’ve posted up to this point, but I hope that you have enjoyed it.

Thanks for reading this far! If you're grieving and this has helped you, please share as much as you'd like in the comments. I'd love to hear from you and keep the memory of your loved one(s) alive. ?