A Good Fight - Is That All We Need?

When did you last have a rich, deep discussion with someone? You disagreed, you sparred with your words, you stated your opinion, you listened to theirs, you countered. You felt things. You learned.

Or, perhaps more extreme, when was the last time you fought? Hand-to-hand or actual yelling? I am not usually a promoter of this. I was brought up to be quiet, to be nice. My dad yelled. My mom was silent. Yet, with time, I learned how to be a fighter. A fighter in my way.

It is natural for us as animals to fight. We fight to hold our ground, defend our families, and protect our communities. Or, we fight to learn or win a mate.?

I just finished reading a book, the Art of Gathering by Priya Parker; she was speaking about the value of addressing hard topics and how she sees at times that progress isn’t made because of niceties, ambivalence, lack of inspiration, and fear of repercussions. In her work on gathering people, she will sometimes set the stage where playful competitions are created, ways to get teams to actually take sides, to defend, to believe, and to really want to win. She also creates environments where people get ready and are willing to listen.

There are many ways I could go when thinking about this topic of fighting, of having a fiery, brave spirit, of feeling ignited. One is to focus on women leaders, and the critical need for us to believe in our voices and our stories; the other is you and your team’s need to have a purpose. A purpose worth fighting for. In my coaching conversations both of these topics come up in different ways - however I will save those for future articles.?

The third way, one I will explore now, is the need for difficult conversations and the challenges leaders and teams face when they don’t. So often, team dynamics and culture suffer because questions are not asked, people are not held accountable, empathy is not employed, and communication is not used.???

In the Book of Hope, Jane Goodall discusses how humans are different from other animals because of language. That is why we fight differently. Using our words, we can express rich emotions, exchange knowledge, and create understanding—words that can, when done right, create peace and harmony. Animals don’t want to fight; they do so when warnings don’t deter a threat.?

Goodall says “...because of our extraordinary intellect and ability to communicate with words we have the ability to progress beyond the purely emotional aggressive responses of other animals and, as I have said, we have the ability to make conscious choices as to how we react in different situations.”

“Conscious choices,” let’s get back to difficult conversations. It is a skill and one that does take practice. Turning away from problems, controversy, and feelings only creates more and builds the problem to the point where eventually even more communication is needed or potentially there is just more hurt.?

Yes, we have all heard it: clear is kind. It is so true. I would also like to say that clear is calm. It doesn’t mean that an inner fire isn’t stoked. But it is an acknowledgment of that fire, an internal dialogue with it or even with others, perhaps, before addressing the source of the flame.

A regular practice I take is the pause. Pause before answering an email, a Slack message, or a DM. If I am in a conversation and something comes up that creates that fire, and I can’t back away for a mental pause, I use curiosity and questions to understand - not to agree or disagree. Not yet.

The pause creates that moment for you to ask yourself, what is happening here? Did I hear or read that right? Am I in bad mood, is that why this is bothering me? What is my body trying to say to me right now? Are my values in question? Have I not clearly communicated a want, a need, or a position? The pause lets you understand your place in the emotion.

And then, you are ready. Ready to ask yourself: Now, is this still an issue? Is it fine? Is it a problem I need to dig into and be curious about with the other person? What is their story?

I know. It all sounds hard. Why not just have at it, Casey? Didn’t you say a good, intense fight just might be what we need? And yes, I did say that. But you must get prepared, know your emotions well, know what you believe in, know what you need, and know what you want to get out of it. And, most importantly, know that you don’t know everything.

In Parker’s book, she uses the strategy I mentioned to try to shake up cultures that have become afraid of saying hard things or with teams or communities that have come to a stalemate or are floundering in stagnation. She creates safe spaces for these emotions and conversations.?

As a leader, as a human, it is essential to remember that as well. Fighting and arguing can be triggering, that is why these difficult conversations are so hard. Coming at them with a calmness and a care opens up possibilities for connection. If all you want is a battle, you can go for it, but you’ll be left with injuries or worse, and those take time to heal.?

So I vote you pause, pull up a chair, and get ready to dig deep into understanding by asking questions, listening, and asking some more. This is a good fight; one in which, by being verbally courageous, you come out on the other side with new awareness about yourself and others and you see a path forward.?

Are you a business owner or leader looking for executive coaching or consulting, reach out anytime at [email protected] .

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