The "Good" Divorce

After the highly anticipated third and final series of BBC drama “The Split” aired earlier this month, it certainly can be said that the show achieved its raison d’être - I am left feeling thoroughly puzzled by the way we view divorce. This is largely due to the fresh perspective the show places on the concept of separation and delving into the age old question - whether there really can be the “good” divorce?

The protagonist “Hannah” played by the inimitable Nicola Walker, is a high flying family lawyer in the City of London. She spends her days seeking the best outcomes for her clients who are embarking on the journey of divorce. It is not until her own marriage disintegrates, in no small part due to her choices involving infidelity, that the viewer really appreciates that divorce, while painful, also represents a much needed rebirth for those who sorely need it. A lifeline. Picture Kate Winslet clinging to that piece of wood in Titanic. “The Split” highlights, in depth, that a divorce agreement is a chance to acknowledge the positives of lives spent intertwined. It also respects those who no longer wish to be bound by a relationship which has run its course.

I can only speak of my own childhood where divorce was painted altogether differently. Growing up in Ireland I was 5 years’ old when divorce was officially legalised in June ‘96, a reality that still hasn’t fully hit home. Pre ’96 in Ireland, those who sought such a lifeline were left to drown as swiftly as Leonardo DiCaprio. Fast forward a decade, being a teenager, I recall divorce still being decidedly rare in my Dublin community. Conceptually, it was not quite disgrace - but not far from it. It certainly was regarded as a failure. No doubt divorce can be highly painful, not to mention acrimonious, bringing out aspects of our darker human nature. But once that process has passed, where the arms have been laid down and lives carried on, surely, can it not be a glorious state of affairs - for both parties?

Speaking of affairs "The Split" certainly captures that monogamy can be hard, particularly for those who have a penchant for self destructive behaviour as personified by “Nina Defoe” (played by the wonderful Annabel Scholey). While the show condemns infidelity, it humanises it in a way rarely seen. Forgiveness is also a theme at the core of The Split. Society is slow to forgive as a whole, but, in a divorce, forgiveness is cast as a pivotal tenet to moving on with one’s life, particularly forgiving oneself.?

But I’m annoyed. Annoyed that we are taught to largely dread divorce, that it is the failure of a marriage. Surely, even if the latter end of a marriage is unpleasant, it has still followed some period of mutual happiness. Sometimes a long period. Why must this period of harmony be obliterated? Surely the sign of a successful relationship is knowing when it is over. Feeling empowered to release a spouse from a marriage that no longer serves those within it.?

Why can we not teach our children this? The concept of forever is a contradiction. Nothing is infinite, including ourselves. Placing so much weight on the notion that something must last to be successful is a road to misery. It has been said that happiness is when reality exceeds expectations. When society dictates that the expectation of marriage is “happily EVER after” surely that is, in itself, a road to unhappiness. I believe if we taught our children this from the outset, they would fair better where parents divorce. While it may not protect them entirely, they could, at least, be better guided through the storm.?

All I can hope for is that this BBC drama, watched by many, will spark conversations. It has certainly prompted me to pause and reflect on those who have been granted freedoms by this once illegal concept. I hope my children will have a more nuanced attitude to the concept as they grow older and not regard it as a concept solely inspiring fear, dread and the alignment with failure.?