The Good and Bad About Influence

I wear a lot of blue and green shirts. Know why? Because someone complimented me when I wore one. Then another time, someone else did. And I thought, "Ah, I guess I should wear blue shirts." Pretty lame, but that's the truth of it. We are ALL influenced by things people say. (That's the point of my letter to you today.)

My Weird Burger King Thing

Some people love fast food. Some people pretend they don't. Some people really hate fast food. If you've ever seen me, you know that I appreciate all food - fast is part of "all" (though I eat it much less these days).

If you show me a Burger King commercial with a big juicy Whopper, I will want a Whopper. Oh hey, I just explained the absolute basics of advertising.

Influence is similar. If you know that all your friends are using this cool note taking app, you worry that you're missing out and you check out the app. You might not have been in the market for a new note taking app, but by Buddha, maybe that's just because you're out of the loop!

I love the title of Mindy Kaling's book for that reason: "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?"

What a mood, right?

Where Influence Can Be Tricky

Here's a problem with influence: we can't know the intentions of the source of information that influences us. With ads, we can definitely know. Burger King wants me to enjoy a delicious burger. But what if it's human influence from person to person?

The people who said I looked good in blue were paying me a compliment. I get that intention. That's a good one.

But what if someone says something like, "You're better at operations than creativity?"

Let's break down some of the ways that could be said to you:

• Maybe the person means it exactly as they said it - possible.
• Maybe they're saying they don't see you as creative because someone said that to them ( about you or them - doesn't matter) - now, we're looking at advice given from a 3rd party through another party to you. Uck.
• Or they wish THEY were seen as creative, so they're putting you in a different category - you've had this one, right? Just me?
• Maybe they had a bad day and it's not true. They're just upset.
• Maybe they wouldn't understand creativity if it bit them in the butt. (Not qualified.)
• Maybe they're actually right.

Here's the problem: how do you know which one it is? You could just ask them. But do you think in several of the instances I listed above, they'd just say, "Oh, right. That. Sorry." No.

We can be influenced (and often are) by someone who has some other filter operating on top of the words they said to you, and without deep knowledge of what they're saying and why, don't you think it might be DANGEROUS for you to just accept that statement or comment as serious and important?

And yet we ALL do it. We take something to heart, change our lives, based on words that flew by one day.

Look at This From Both Sides

I've written this letter to you from the perspective of you receiving a moment of influence and having to think about whether it fits or not, the intentions of the person, etc.

What YOU tell people also has the potential to change what people do. I can't tell you the number of times someone will say, "I'll never forget what you told me," and no matter WHAT comes out of their mouth next, I almost always don't remember telling the person that thing. Terrifying, really.

This is why I try with all my heart to be mindful of the words I put out to people. I know that I'm very receptive and sensitive to receiving influence, so I try my best to work things in a positive way, in the most helpful way, and I quite often go back and clarify with people for fear that something I've said might be misunderstood or wrongly characterized.

I might say, "I'm saying this from the point of view of a guy just observing this in the meeting. I don't know if I'm just being sensitive or..." and my goal with that is to prompt the recipient of information to be critical of it, to question its value or accuracy.

If you tell someone they seem more comfortable with operational details more than creative ones, they're going to run with that as far as they value your perspective, even if, maybe, you're wrong. (There's no one in particular I have in mind for this example, coworkers who read my stuff.)

Be careful what you consume for influence. Be careful how you express matters to others because it might influence THEM.

I really do look good in blue, though.

Chris...