Good Advice. Bad Advice. Or No Advice at all?

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

Oscar Wilde

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Not all advice is given to you to help you.

As you'd already have learned in life, not everyone around has the best intentions when it comes to your journey.

For every well-meaning benefactor who honestly wants you to succeed, there is another person who comes at you with agendas you know nothing about, and advice that, while it initially sounds good, is actually designed to get you to do something you probably shouldn't be doing.

And not all of us are in the position to see when we are being manipulated.

This is certainly a darker turn to what is normally a fun newsletter.

And don't worry - it will brighten up.

As a mentor and a person who has a few mentors himself, we all need to know that not all is as it seems.

But there is a rainbow at the end of this burst of rain.

Manipulation disguised as good advice.

I have always been careful with "pick you brain" or "let's grab a coffee" meetings that don't have an up-front topic associated with them.

I'm by no means a control freak over my time, but I am conscious that I need to be a good steward of the time that people are paying me for.

So I always ask people to specify why we're meeting before we meet. And I want details. Not just, "I have an opportunity to discuss with you." Which tends to be a pitch for a networking marketing scheme/scam. Or "I need a little help with something" which tends to be code for "I am locked out of my Facebook account and I don't want to have to pay for your time to sort it out."

But the most insidious time-sink is that mentor-mentee relationship that no one asked for. And there are two people in my life who seem to consider themselves mentors even though I never asked them to be.

The first is what I would regard as a "corporate psychopath." This person wraps up manipulative talk and self-interest in a warm blanket of esoteric and corporate catchphrases that I'm sure they think are hiding their motivations from me. But I know this person. I've worked closely enough with them to see what they do. They position themselves with a level of seniority by age or by experience and use that to start dispensing advice to people who are flattered by their attention.

In my case, the advice I was given by them was around giving up my lines of business, move to another city and spend money on expensive clothes to be taken seriously in my career with the upside of having a fabulous new life so I could emotionally reset and rebuild.

Anyone who knows me well knows that expensive clothes just aren't a thing in my life. Nor is making serious decisions about my life without long and critical consideration. But this person was suggesting that I throw all caution to the wind and move to Queensland with no suggestion that they were speaking out of anything but concern for me.

I have a bit of a background in psychology, so I'm not as easily manipulated as some people.

It took me fifteen minutes on the internet and one phone call to work out what the motivation was for this advice.

The idea was being sold to me as an opportunity for personal growth. Yet at the time, I had no underlying emotional issues, a happy home and personal life and strong momentum in Darwin.

Oh - and the motivation? They wanted me to resign of my own accord so that they could make room for someone younger, less expensive and more easily manipulated. They had already listed my role on Seek.

There's always an agenda behind unsolicited advice. Well, mostly.

When good advice is actually good advice.

So when is good advice coming from the right place - and worth listening to?

Well, it's in surprisingly rare circumstances.

The first is where you're paying for that advice. When you're paying for it, it ties the interests of the advisor to your interests. Of course, you don't know the competing interests of that advisor. But it is quite rare that someone who is paid for their time will not have your best interests at heart.

The second is where that person has insights into the areas of your life where that advice is applicable. It's not your whole life. But part of it. And they can speak into that part of your life because they have the context you're living and in most cases, nothing to gain from the advice they are giving.

The third case is where you have asked that person for their advice. You've selected them because of their insights, experience, knowledge or at the least, their awareness of the context of your situation. You, then, are the one with the agenda. Not them.

I have personally found that the best advice contains the following: 1. An exploration of all the options on the table

2. A little bit of playing "devil's advocate" for a position you may not like

3. Referral back to yourself "already knowing what you need to do" in the end

And I'll add that truly good advice doesn't come from me asking someone, "What would you do?" or "What do you think I should do?"

It just about always leads back to a guided conversation through my own thoughts to a point where I understand, ultimately, that I need to make a decision one way or another.

A return to personal responsibility for my decisions and their repercussions.

So, was Oscar Wilde right?

He was a cheeky bugger and was less about creating advice for life as he was about stirring the pot in a silly period of history in Britain where the aristocracy was full of stupid expectations for how people should live their lives.

I love the guy but I take what he wrote with a grain of salt.

I tend to ask for advice when I need or want it. But I am bold like that. Some people aren't - and they dread asking for advice for fear that it will make them look weak.

The reality is that seeking advice is the same as reading, studying or Googling for an answer to a question. You can't believe everything you read, everything you're taught, or everything that a search engine will show you.?

So perhaps treat advice like that.? Rather than advice, it's data. It's information. It's input.

You're the one in control of what to do with it.

That's all for this weekend. Just one short read about how to approach advice from others.

If you're not getting value out of these tips, please consider unsubscribing.

I won't mind and there are no hard feelings.

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See you again next week.

Cheers, Dante

P.S. Here's a few ways I can lend a hand if you need some help.

This Thursday, I'll be discussing how to build a strong brand identity for yourself or your business on a free webinar for anyone who wants to join. It's a quick 30-minute starting point for branding. Book in here.

On Saturday, February 24, I'll be holding a content creation strategy morning in conjunction with LinkedIn Local Darwin. We'll plan out your content and get specific on what you want to post. It's free - book here

It's never been more important to take control of your personal brand at work. People aren't buying based on features - they buy based on what they feel. My free personal brand mini course helps. Get it here.