The Golden Rule is Wrong
The Golden Rule is invalid.
Bold statement, Christopher.
Treat others how you would like to be treated? Nah. (Or “do unto others”… yeah yeah I know)
How could you refute that? How could you suggest you should treat others differently than you would treat yourself?
Because you’re not me, and I’m not you.
Whew, good chat. Let’s get this going.
It seems like a bold claim, because the assumption is that we treat ourselves better than others, and so we should normalize that standard so that everyone matters. I believe that to be true. Frankly, we’re in a time where too few of us treat ourselves well enough, and while that’s an extremely important conversation to have, it’s one for another day. Today we’re talking about the fact that we’re all different. And how awesome that is. And how we fail to realize that sometimes.
We should absolutely treat one another — treat everyone — equally. It’s the old janitor to CEO conversation. No one deserves to spoken down to (and I think few people should be spoken up to). The trouble is that, ironically, we mismanage relationships precisely because we’re treating others as we would like to be treated, despite the fact that we all have different desires, interests, levels of patience, and so on. Most people don’t like what I like. Most people don’t like what you like.
The challenge is to not just think about others when we act but to think about the desires of others. To think about what they’re thinking. I’m not going to bring you to my favourite steakhouse, out of the kindness of my heart and a desire to share my interests, if you’re a vegetarian.
While that may be an egregious example, hopefully it helps to develop this line of thinking. Some people don’t like loud parties. Some people aren’t into that music. And some people just don’t want to talk right now, even if that’s what you want. Pushing our interests and desires on others can help in sharing pieces of ourselves, but if you’re building relationships of any kind, you’re going to be better served by seeking out the interests of others. Support them and give them what makes them happiest.
It goes against our instincts, especially when we’re excited to share. There’s sacrifice involved because doing what we want to do is easier than both having to think of another action or solution and behaving in a way inconsistent with our habits. It’s worth it in the end though. Maybe it’s a boss, or a parent, or a date, there are no bounds. Accommodating to the desires — expressed or otherwise — of others will ultimately result in better interaction for all parties.
Have you ever told a story that you thought was hilarious and got no reaction from the crowd? They don’t care about what you care about. Your opinions aren’t their opinions. Find what makes others tick, not what does it for you. If you don’t know what others desire, ask. Seriously, just ask.
Surprise people and sacrifice the instinct to impart your desires. Treat others impeccably, as they would have it. You can create happiness for everyone. Stay gold, but not like the rule.
-Chris Ackroyd