The Golden Rule doesn't apply to relationships like we may think, and this is why.

Do unto others, as we would want others to do to us. Treat people like you want to be treated. The Golden Rule. Matthew 7:12.

I was taught this since childhood, however, I have realized as an adult, that sometimes the way I want to be treated isn't exactly how someone else wants to be treated in the same situation. Sometimes we take knowledge a little too literally, instead of using it to become more wise.

Lately, I have been doing a lot of introspection and trying to become a better and better person. Problem is, the older I get, the more I've done this, so it gets harder and harder to really figure out the fine tuning of some of the more-let's just say-challenging projects I still have left in bettering myself.

You know- like that one bad behavior you have that you can't seem to ever get a grip on to be able to work on changing. It happens in such a knee jerk way that it's over and done it's damage before you can stop it and think about how you would consciously choose to act. Like screaming profanities when you stub your toe or step on the edge of a lego in bare feet.

I still have areas of relationship conflict that are stumbling blocks, even though I have tried to practice the Golden Rule my entire life. Lately, I've tried to read more articles about attachment styles in relationships and how they affect bonding and managing conflict. Pretty deep. I read a lot of articles about psychology to make sure I'm not too far outside the lines anyhow, but here is what I most recently realized about the Golden Rule in relationships.

Basically there are three ways to approach resolving interpersonal conflict. Most of the time when relationships are doing well and we are happy, everybody interacts pretty much the same. It's when we try to recover from hurt feelings and conflict that we start showing our individuality. And we start applying the Golden Rule by way of these three different approaches.

For example, if we approach conflict with a healthy attachment style, we recover from conflict by communicating and resolving issues by trusting we have value and are worthy of forgiveness and openly disclose what we need and want and successfully negotiate the outcome to our satisfaction. We are very straightforward. We had secure upbringings where our needs were met fully and timely and consistently, for the most part.

Then there is a second attachment style we can use to recover from conflict -anxiety. When in the past, our needs and wants have been received mostly with disapproval, mocking or deceit, we learn to be anxious and to need additional reassurance that everything is really okay. Like when you were afraid and called a sissy for crying, and made to think your feelings weren't acceptable by someone you trusted to love and protect you. And when you felt safe with someone only to find out that you were being betrayed and made a fool of all along so that you no longer trust your own judgement of others.

And there is a third attachment style we can use to recover from conflict- avoidance. When we have learned that no one else is present to help us with needs or reciprocate love and we've learned we have to manage things on our own, we learn to withdraw into our own space and become totally self reliant. We self soothe. We don't need anybody else to get over conflict. We get over it by ourselves and come back out to play when we're ready.

So then, what happens when people with all these attachment styles start treating each other like they themselves want to be treated? A lot of times, by random chance, applying the Golden Rule the wrong way still turns out to be right and that's what makes getting wisdom about it so hard.

Identical attachment styles work well together because when you give what you want to receive you are automatically nuturing the other person's needs appropriately, even if they are anxious or avoidant, because your needs are the same, and therefore, spot on for reciprocation. If I avoid conflict and you avoid conflict, we both get the space we need and we're good. If you need extra reassurance and so do I, we kiss and make up and it works.

Any relationship involving the strength of at least one person with a healthy attachment style will succeed merely by default of the strength of the stronger, healthier person involved.

But what happens when I butt heads with an anxious person who needs reassurance when I am an avoidant? Or vice versa? If as an avoidant, I like to be given space and self soothe after conflict, and offer that to you according to the Golden Rule when you are needing reassurance...Or if I need reassurance and you give me space...

Is it really always best for me to treat you like I want to be treated?

You see, we can take the Golden Rule too literally. Treating someone else the way we ourselves would like to be treated, doesn't mean to literally treat everyone the same way. We are not all the same. It means treat each other with respect, understanding, patience, kindness, humility, as an individual. Just as you would want to be treated as an individual.

Knowledge for successful relationships, as is the golden rule principle, is only the beginning. Wisdom in relationship comes when we use knowledge and try and test it to learn what the truth is. God tells us this, that we must do as well as know. That we must practice what we preach in order to be just.

And when we practice the Golden Rule long enough, when we finally get to the point where we do it authentically, we learn not to take it so literally.