Going Underground

Driving had always been a passion and I’ve been behind the wheel of some sexy cars. I’m glad of this opportunity before my head injury because I now face a life-time of never being able to do so again. Experiences shape your future and my advice to you is to cram as much into life as possible because you never know when they have to stop for a while. My head injury has resulted in me having seizures which means I’ve had to surrender my driving license (rightly so). It also means I’m reliant on lifts and public transport. Being surrounded by crowds of people isn’t ideal as it’s a likely trigger for my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I’m armed with the tools to cope in most situations but there’s one place in particular that still haunts me: London’s Underground. During the descent it starts – the cold sweat, light -headedness, distorted hearing and palpitations–that’s when I know the fight is beginning for me to remain connected and in control. The consequences of not mean an automatic response of fight as I get carried along in the sea of bodies all rushing to their destination as panic sets in. Forcing myself to not disassociate becomes harder the deeper underground we all go and one false move or raised voice from someone nearby is enough to cause a flashback. The whole process makes me quite ill to be frank and its completely draining but if you don’t push yourself beyond your comfort zone you’ll never get past your fear. Fear can be all-encompassing if you allow it to be so to get on with any quality of life it must be conquered. Usually I make these journeys into London with someone who knows what I’ve been though. Occasionally I’m alone. I thought I was improving until the last visit when things started to go wrong and it took my then fifteen-year-old daughter to take control of her mother, the situation and get us to our destination. All was good because she can read a map and knows the city and can handle me. Upon arrival my brain could barely function to buy a cuppa. Scary to think I go on larger adventures solo when my ability to cope with something so simple is that fragile but to succeed you have to take risks.