Going Through The Dark Night of The Soul

In the fall of 2023, I entered the ‘dark night of the soul.’ What appeared to usher in this purification? My partner was diagnosed with dementia. My partner had already been living with Parkinsons for 20 years, and was now living with advanced stages of Parkinsons. The dementia diagnosis was not a surprise, as it is often the natural progression of Parkinsons, but it was a psychological and emotional blow!

In the weeks following the dementia diagnosis, and the realization that the dementia had been unfolding for several years, I was plunged into darkness. There was a pervading sadness that rested upon everything…like a dense, dark, heavy storm cloud moments before it opens up to poor torrents of rain upon you.

I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper into the darkness. I could feel my body becoming heavier and heavier. The feelings and sensations grew to manifest as a constant sinus and cranial pressure. My mind was foggy most of the time. I was sleeping okay, exercising daily, and eating my usual healthy diet, but I often felt fatigued.

As my awareness of these sensations grew, I wanted to ignore them, thinking they would just dissipate. But the feelings lingered. My cursory self-diagnosis was that I was experiencing depression; as the symptoms most closely resembled depression. As I meandered my way through the stigma associated with such conditions, another, different awareness was gifted me. This was the ‘dark night of the soul’ taunting me and gesturing for me to enter into its lair.

As I approached the entrance to this dark night of the soul, my physical symptoms started to abate. My body started to lighten up; my sinus and cranial pressure loosened. But I knew that I had to enter the dark night of the soul. I knew that if I backed out, my bodily sensations would return. I knew that if I wanted to heal, I had to enter the dark night of the soul. So…I entered.

Entering the dark night of the soul was a pure act of surrender. I knew that the only way out was to go into and through the pain. This surrender allowed the bodily sensations of heaviness, sinus and cranial pressure, and mind fogginess to continue to dissipate. As I venture through this dark night of the soul, the pervading feeling of sadness remains, but the bodily sensations are lifting.

I cannot know the trajectory of my partner’s condition, and I cannot know how long my journey through the dark night of the soul may last. But I am becoming more comfortable in this unknown space—as comfortable as one can be in such a place.

As I venture through the dark night of the soul, I am reminded of the wonderful parable about a student having an audience with his teacher. During this meeting, the student shares with the teacher that he is experiencing suffering. The student shares in detail what is happening in his life that results in his suffering. After listening intently for a while, the teacher gently smiles, and says to the student, “You are not experiencing suffering. You are suffering your experience.”

The parable is a poignant reminder of how we see our suffering; that we even see suffering at all! I have given myself permission to feel what it is I am feeling about my experience. I have given myself permission to see this experience as a spiritual purification; of what?...that remains to be seen. I have given myself permission to continue to surrender to this journey through the dark night of the soul and to allow the journey to reveal to me what it is trying to teach me. I remain open and receptive.

Robert Meagher has been ordained as an Interfaith Minister and certified as a Sacred Attention Therapy (SAT) Therapist. Robert is the Founder and Spiritual Director for Spiritual Guidance and Co-Founder of the Center for Human Awakening.