Going Broke.

Damn, been a while innit ??

There are so many cool stories I could have done long posts about. Leaving my first place here would have been a nice one. As is my norm perhaps, there came a moment when I knew I had to leave my first place in Dahab and from that second, it was go time. I went on the WhatsApp community for nomads, and within two hours I had relocated to a new place with all my belongings. New bedroom, new host, everything different. ￡200 for 6 weeks.

This lady was just about to leave and invited me to eat all her stuff. With pleasure ??

I also would have loved to tell you about the kitty here. The most intimidating cat I’ve ever encountered. She was sitting on the roof next to my house and meowed at me in such an aggressive way. I tried saying hello and all she’d do is meow without blinking, and she kept getting closer and closer. I was convinced she wanted a fight and was filled with hatred.

…I poached an egg for her (there was one left by the host and I avoid eating foetuses whenever possible) and from then we were friends. I think it just turns out she’s a street cat that has been going to the gym. Her neck is as thick as her head, and she’s got lots of tiny little scars on her ears. She usually has her claws out, and her fangs too. If you want to pet her she’ll rear up on her back legs and hop at your hand. What an aggressive kitty! Apparently she’s been here since before these houses were built. Seems believable.

I said it before but the community here is sensational. So many… good people. There’s a little riffraff too, but surprisingly little.

BUT WHAT I REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT ??????

So yeah, I’ve made $300 over the past 7 months, savings have now run out. Done. I’ve worked wayyyy more than full-time. And it’s like, you know what? Yeah, the lifestyle is great. But for whatever reason (or indeed, none at all) this attempt is looking unsustainable.

So many of the ideas and methods I’ve been told about are great. Tried, tested. But ultimately, despite the time investment, I’m not willing to do some things to keep this going perhaps, things that I maybe should be willing to do.

The turning point was about a week ago. I was finally offered a pretty sweet writing gig, ￡250 a day. But by the time I had got back to them, it had disappeared. I guess opportunities are like buses because the next day another person reaches out to me, offering half as much for wayyyyy more boring work.

I guess due to the way psychology works or whatever, it now seems like a crap deal, but I am still going broke. And I know if I do just two days a week, I can still live like this as long as I want.

So, what does Stephen do next?

I reluctantly go for it. And within like 20 minutes, I have emailed the guy telling him I’m not the writer he wants.

It wasn’t... I didn’t go to all this bother to… I’m not interested in…

I struggle to explain the strength of the guiding force that made me send the email telling the guy I’m not his writer. It wasn’t even a question. I won’t do soul-crushing stuff anymore. I’ll go broke and have an intact soul instead.

And it was at this point that I second-guessed my future doing this copywriting stuff I’ve already tried to get out of. The stars may have just not aligned in my favour to continue doing this nomad lifestyle, maybe I didn’t get clients for too long. Maybe though, it’s due to my unwillingness to settle for most things. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to do copywriting again after the journalism didn’t become sustainable, but it seemed the safest option.

Either way, due to the prolonged pressure and genuinely having zero idea of what would work, after so many close calls, and so many people reading what I write and saying “great stuff, you’ll definitely get clients from this post” or “clever idea, really original” or “I’d love to! But I’m busy this month, can we meet next month?” I’m kinda tired.

If after 7 months of consistent effort and trying out different things to see what fits I’ve made $300, why would I assume anything would be different in the next month?

Fundamentally, I don’t. I have no reason to assume anything will change. No reason at all. Nobody would bet on that.

So yeah, I dunno. I’m very happy with much of what I’ve tried, but it’s ultimately totally unsustainable for me right now. It ain’t working, it’s becoming less fun, and if I can’t make it work, I should stop, right?

Yeah, not having to fight tooth and claw for survival sounds like quite a luxury right now.

So anyway, in quick succession, my laptop keyboard broke, my shoes broke, and I fell into a deep depression for a couple days. I knew that something had to be done but not what. It was easier to leave the apartment, but the career… not so much.

I saw an offer for a tarot reading and thought hey, all I need is someone to tell me what to do, so let’s go for it. It was a pretty meaty session, like 5 decks of cards and 70 minutes.

I had to think of different types of writing without telling her near the end, and she’d tell me if they’d work out. I first went for travel writing, and she said that would be okay. I went for copywriting and all of these baddass cards came up with images of death and tombs, red flowers in abandoned churches and stuff. Looked sick as hell, but apparently, this means I definitely should NOT do it ??

Then I’m like, well those were the two main options. Well, writing on dreams would be cool, but… actually, you know what, let’s try that. She starts flippin’ the cards over and she’s immediately like “I don’t know what this one is, but this is the one that’ll give you the most success”. Loads of money eventually (which I’m not sure I believe). And it’ll still be hard (which I do believe), but since trying to earn anything is proving impossibly hard, picking the hard option seems like a real upgrade.

So then a couple nights later I go to bed saying to myself “listen, this dream thing would be awesome, but if you can’t get paid for copywriting, journalism or anything else, how are you gonna get paid in anything relating to dreams?! You give me a solution, I’ll take it.” I feel as though I’ve only got enough energy / money / time for a few more biiiiig swings at the world before I go back home broke. But that’s alllll I want to do, more cool experiments to see where I’ll fit best on earth. That’s like, THE thing to do in my mind.

The lack of purpose in my “work” over the past several months is not only a difficult weight to bear from a motivational standpoint, but it’s like… of what benefit to humanity was it? Where did all those hours go? I barely care, and I LIVED through the thing ??

Yesssss the lifestyle is great. But the “work” was utterly meaningless if all I wanted was a paycheck. So I’m sorry to say… dream life or not… I can’t stay with it if it’s propped by a truly meaningless career. I should find a more wholesome way to sustain my lifestyle.

Perhaps it’s fortunate the world hasn’t afforded me long-term comfort from copywriting. I think the tarot reader may have been right about the marketing. It was only ever a means to an end, I have zero passion (or even interest) in doing it. My only goal was to have something to afford me to live an incredible life travelling around the world.

Well I’m still livin the life, and I’m doin jack-diddly-squat marketing, sooooo ??

In my experience, in the long term, after all the “tried and tested” methods, I can safely call this a failure. My bank account is a living testament to it. Just chance, I’d say; no particular reason. It's worked for countless others that did the same as me. But I’ve got no loyalty to it. None at all. It was as fun as hell to try and make work though. And last year when I was getting paid loads, that was fun too ??

Oh dear, I do believe I’ve gone off on a tangent. So back to that night... I have dream... of studying a PhD... in dreams.

And I wake up.

Oh damn, I say. Could I do that? That actually seems plausible. Nice one, subconscious!

Sooo I spend a few days researching. Find a map of sleep-related labs and study centres across the world. Ask my brother in law about PhDs, find out the places where I could get the most support to do it (the best answer is Scandinavia and nearby for absolutely every question relating to PhDs, btw).

I narrow it down to like the three best options in Europe, reach out to two labs. I gave a pretty solid email, if I do say so myself. Within a day, the head of a lab in the Netherlands responded suggesting a meeting.

So that takes us to now. I’ve got zero idea if they’re accepting new PhDs, or if any of the other hundred potential issues will get in the way. From visas to funding.

But yes, a tarot reading led to a dream, which led to an email and now a meeting.

I’ll be honest, that’s still exactly the life I wanted to live ??