Going Boysober? When You’re Done Playing Relationship Games

Have you had enough of superficial dating relationships that leave you feeling empty and unfulfilled? If so, you're not alone.

Many people today are waking up to the reality that they deserve love that doesn’t hurt.

The "boysober" movement and a broader shift away from emotionally unavailable partners are testament to this growing awareness. If this sounds like you, then perhaps it’s time to seek the kind of relationships that truly meet your deeper emotional needs.

I. Tired of Emotionally Unavailable Partners

Janice, a big-hearted 26-year-old graphic designer, decided to step away from dating men who were emotionally unavailable and immature in handling conflict or her deeper needs.

“I realized that I was searching for validation in the wrong places,” she explains.

Janice noticed that while the excitement of new relationships was fun initially, she began feeling more isolated and even traumatized. She was often told to just settle, which she did, only to feel lonelier and more disconnected.

So, she decided to stop dating entirely to figure things out.

In time, this meant seeking more meaningful connections, valuing emotional intimacy over shallow interactions. Janice’s choices reflect a broader trend especially among young adults who are turning away from emotionally unavailable partners in favour of more intentional relationships.

In fact, research shows that people of all ages are radically changing their dating behaviour as they seek deeper connections. Studies indicate this is because many are becoming increasingly disillusioned with settling for less, preferring the stability and fulfillment of either:

• finding out how to be happy while staying single, or
• discovering how to pursue a long-term relationship that truly meets their needs.

II. The Shift: Moving Away from Emotionally Unavailable Partners

Movements like "boysober" reflect this change, highlighting a desire for meaningful connections over transient encounters.

Dating apps like Tinder, traditionally associated with casual flings, are even rebranding to promote long-term relationships. A recent study by Tinder found that while many assume men are only seeking casual connections, a significant portion of men actually desire deeper romantic relationships.

This shift is reflected in the growing trend of users seeking to meet in real life and build lasting connections rather than engage in shallow interactions.

III. The Impact on Mental Health and Self-Worth

Kevin, a 30-year-old teacher, knew that he wanted a long-term relationship, but he kept compromising and giving in to emotionally unavailable partners. He had bought into the notion that hooking up without emotional connection meant he was a sexually liberated man, however this began to take a toll on his mental health.

“I felt like I was constantly seeking something more, but never finding it,” he says.

Over time, Kevin found that the transient nature of these relationships left him feeling more disconnected from his true self. He decided to dig deeper, so he focused on self-reflection and personal growth, aiming to understand his need to create a healthier, longer-term relationship.

What Kevin discovered is that the psychological impact of emotionally unavailable partners can be profound, especially for empathic people like himself who often end up suffering from:

• feeling used, taken for granted,
• performance anxiety, and
• the emotional fallout from shallow relationships that eroded his self-worth.

Kevin further realized that he'd developed avoidant attachment patterns that were a significant barrier to forming the deeper bonds he desired. It was only by confronting the reality of his own relationship trauma that he unlocked the transformative power of vulnerability, which paved the way for him to create genuine relationship satisfaction.

"If you've been wanting more out of your dating experiences, it can be crucial to understand that you deserve better than just being someone else's temporary distraction. Recognizing your value is the first step towards seeking healthier, more respectful relationships that fit with your set of values and needs." - Dr. Michael Haggstrom

IV. The Power of Intentional Dating

Intentional dating shifts the focus from casual encounters to building longer-lasting and meaningful connections. It fosters honest communication, mutual respect, and deeper emotional bonds.

This approach not only enhances the quality of your relationships but also aligns with your long-term goals. Many who have embraced intentional dating report:

• higher levels of life satisfaction and
• an increased sense of emotional well-being.

For Emily, a 29-year-old nurse, intentional dating transformed her approach to relationships.

“I started focusing on what I truly wanted in a partner and being clear about my intentions. I learned to say no more often.” she shares.

This shift allowed Emily to build a stronger emotional foundation when dating. In time, this helped her develop a more fulfilling relationship with someone who was looking for the same.

V. Personal Growth and Self-Love

In my clinical practice, I teach clients that understanding your needs and boundaries is essential for the practice of intentional dating. This includes developing skills in:

• taking time for self-reflection to prioritize your well-being,
• being selective about who you allow into your life and ensuring that they respect your values and boundaries,
• cultivating the kind of self-love that prepares you for healthier relationships and helps you avoid the pitfalls of dating emotionally unavailable partners.

What I've learned is that self-reflection is a crucial step in understanding what you truly want from a relationship. By setting clear boundaries and focusing on your own needs, you can create a strong foundation for future partnerships.

Prioritizing self-love and personal growth ensures that you are prepared for healthy, fulfilling relationships that respect your worth.

VI. Four Practical Steps to Transition Away from Emotionally Unavailable Partners

If you’re ready to leave emotionally unavailable partners behind, here are four practical steps to get you started. Remember, you have the power to choose relationships that uplift and fulfill you.

1. Communicate Clearly:

• Be upfront about your intentions and expectations with potential partners.
• Ensure that both you and your dating partner are on the same page regarding your relationship goals.

2. Set Boundaries:

• Establish and maintain personal boundaries to protect your emotional and physical well-being.
• Respect your dating partner's boundaries and ensure mutual consent in all interactions.

3. Focus on Emotional Connections:

• Prioritize building emotional bonds over physical encounters.
• Engage in activities that foster deeper understanding and connection.

4. Seek Support:

• Join communities that align with your values and support your journey towards meaningful relationships.
• Tell friends and family of your intentions. Get accountability if you need it, including from a dating professional. Surround yourself with individuals who respect and value your commitment to intentional dating.
• Take time to heal any relationship trauma you may have experienced.

Personal Note from Dr. Michael Haggstrom

You are worthy of love that doesn’t hurt. By taking steps towards intentional dating and self-love, you can build relationships that respect and value you.

Reflect on your relationship choices and strive for connections that truly meet your emotional needs. It just may be time to stop playing the games you’re no longer interested in and start seeking the love you deserve.

- Dr. Michael Haggstrom, founder of SmartEmpath?

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