A Godly Approach to the Angry

?????????????? Everyone who spends time in relationships with different people will come across that “one.” The one who is seemingly always angry, swears, gets red faced, and the veins come out their neck, yes, the one who is the “hulk.” At times it is a boss. Other times, it is one of our relatives, possible considered the “black sheep” of the family. Perhaps it is that “one” salesclerk that you seem to always get, even if you go to great lengths to avoid the meeting.

II Kings 5 might be an unusual place to find principles to approach difficult and angry people. It is an amazing thing to me that some people find the Old Testament a dark place with little grace and mercy. The story of Naaman speaks wonderful truths about God’s grace and mercy. In verse 13 we see some practical ways of approaching difficult and angry people. Believe it or not we will learn some godly application from pagans. (For more of the same principles, see Joseph Genesis 37-50, Hannah I Samuel 1-2:11, and Abigail I Samuel 25). Naaman was in a rage and his expectations had not been met in getting the required healing for his leprosy. Money was not accepted. An important person did not meet him, an incantation was not given, a dirty river was required, and the beautiful rivers of his homeland were not recommended. Naaman’s servants who traveled over 700 miles from Damascus with him did not say, “Hey, what’s the big deal? What do you have to lose?” Naaman went into a rage because his expectations were not met.

The first thing they did is implied in the passage by “they came near.” They waited for the blood pressure to go down. Perhaps even waiting for the adrenaline rush to dissipate. In other words, they approached at the right time. They waited for the time to walk mentally alongside their master. Often, we make people angrier when time is not taken to understand them, and we jump in with both feet to “fix” things right away. Principle #1 Have good timing.

The next thing they did was redefine the task in Naaman’s terms. Naaman was a great and powerful man second to the King in his own country. The servants repeated the task as a “great word” that the prophet has spoken. Principle #2 Define the issue in terms that shows an understanding of the other person.

The third thing they did was surround their relationship in the deepest of terms in the Aramaic language. They said the word, “Father.” This meant that they loved their master and put themselves on the level of blood relationship with Naaman. This is empathy to the tenth power. I’m not sure we have a word for this in English. Nonetheless, they communicated great love and willingness to go to whatever lengths to see Naaman’s healing (Matthew 22:37-40). Principle #3 Make sure love as a blood brother or sister is the approach.

The next thing they did was refocus on Naaman’s expectations. The servants reminded Naaman that he was capable of great things and in comparison, this washing in a muddy river seven times was easy in comparison. Principle #4 Remind the person of past success.

The final thing was not completed by the servants. They just allowed Naaman to do the action required. Principle #5 Do not do actions (or give excuses) for others when it is theirs to do on their own.

Will these principles work 100% of the time? Not in this sinful world. But it is a good starting point to meditate on our approach to difficult people.

A few decades ago, when I was a chaplain on assignment to South Korea in the DMZ, I had a First Sergeant getting chewed out by the Lt. Colonel Battalion Commander. It was bad enough and loud enough that one of his soldiers came running to me from across the compound, concerned about the welfare of the First Sergeant. By the time I got to the Commanders office the First Sergeant had already left. I caught up with him on the way down to the motor pool. To my surprise he was whistling a happy tune and was in good spirits. He saw my concern and was probably amused by it.

I asked, “Aren’t you upset about being chewed out by the Lt. Colonel?”

He said, “The Lt. Colonel had some good points and there are some things I can change and there are some things I can’t change. So, I will change the things that are in my control.”

Then I asked, “How will you address the things you cannot change?”

He smiled with a glint in his eye and said, “There are some things I cannot change at all, but I am about to enter the Motor Pool and ask for the help with the things I can change.” This was code for the military way of sharing motivation with a motivational (one way communication) speech. No one can motivate you like a sergeant, any sergeant.

A First Sergeant had taught me about approaching and listening to the difficult. His focus, like the servants of Naaman, was on the bigger picture and was able to separate the personal from the mission of what really needed to be done.

?Dr. Dwight David Croy, US Army Chaplain Retired, DMIN George Fox Evangelical Seminary in Spiritual Leadership and Formation, MDIV Denver Seminary with an emphasis in Christian Education, BRE Multnomah University is a Pastor, Teacher, an Author of “God’s Focus on the Fatherless;” “God’s Gracious Killer;” and “God’s Illuminating Blindness;” contributes to the body of Christ by writing, teaching, and speaking to promote Jesus Christ our one and only Savior.