Go to Time-out! Are these 4 words really working for you??

Since the first time I heard about this new reloaded version of “Go to the corner and think about what you did” I had my serious doubts about it.

I’ve seen it everywhere... a lot of my friends, who are moms, use it, and even at schools they have reserved a “special spot” in the room to send kids that are not behaving properly.

But…is this really working?

When I ask what is the purpose behind that “time-out”, everyone says it is a time for my kid to think about what he did, and how he can make it better!

Pretend you have just come home from work and your spouse greets you at the door and says “I can’t believe you left such a mess in the bathroom this morning. I’m sick and tired of cleaning up after you. Go to your room and think about what you did, and don’t come out until I say you can!

What would you be thinking? How would you be feeling? What would you decide to do??? “Thank you so much, this time out is so helpful. I’m so grateful that I’m learning so much. I can hardly wait until I can bring you all my problems to you because you are so encouraging”??? Any of these thoughts will be coming to your mind??? Very Unlikely, I assure you!

Even more so to a kid, who is learning about feeling, emotions and reactions! When parents use “time-out”, most of the times they have already tried everything else to stop the misbehavior and nothing has worked. So, they use this new resource to get the child to behave better (at least momentarily!) However, we must remember that people who feel bad about themselves, behave badly. Your child is feeling bad about himself, and by sending him away you are reinforcing this feelings and beliefs of being a bad person.

If we cannot make sure this time is used to “think about positive ways” he can react next time, if we cannot “make” our kids think of ways they can do better next time, then what is the point of doing it? If you think about it, you are sending your kid, sad or angry (or with any other negative emotion), to a specific place, by his own. This is the time when they most need us… they need a guidance on how to get out of that unwanted negative emotions that is probably giving his negative thoughts too! They more than ever need our love and affection.

Instead of sending your child to time-out, here are a few alternatives and recommendations:

•  Stay by your child’s side, let him know you are there if he needs you, and give him some space to cool off. Once the meltdown has started, your child is in “a fight or flight” mode, and some parts of his brain are not working, so logic or teaching at this point is pointless. Ask him if he needs a time to cool off, walk away, take a walk, jump up and down and then come back to talk with you about what happened and how you both can work things out for next time. This could be a good alternative to you too!! Take 5mimn, count to 10 (or 100), any thing that can help you regulate your emotions and stop you from loosing it and maybe worsen the situation.  
• The word “time-out” has a punitive reputation. To change that at your home, the first thing you can do is create a “Positive Time-out” area. Sit down with your child and think about where would that “special place” be at your home. Ask him about the things he would need to help him feel better or calm down: pillows, favorite stuffed animals, blankets, books, music, etc. Make a list and make it happen. Second, make it even more special and personal by changing its name. Encourage your child to give it a special name, it would increase ownership. And last, make sure you use this “special place” as a cool-off place that your child can use voluntarily. A place where your child can calm down and relax (with or without you), and when both of you are calmed, you can talk about solutions for next time!

"A study done by the National Institute of Mental Health concluded that time-outs are effective in getting toddlers to cooperate, but only temporarily. The children misbehaved more than children who weren’t disciplined with timeouts, even when their mothers took the time to talk with them afterward.” (Aha!parenting.com)

Remember, misbehavior is not a problem…it is a symptom. If your child is misbehaving, it is a sign of a bigger issue like, needing more attention, positive personal power, or maybe they need to feel self-sufficient.

There are many ways we can encourage our kids to make them feel and act better… Positive Discipline is always the best option for our kids’ education.

Have a wonderful rest of the week, and enjoy your children

Carolina Chacon

Life and Parent NLP Coach