Go With The Slow - Week 3 Reflections

Welcome to Summer of Slow Reflections - a weekly(ish) blog on my personal experiences as I attempt to hit the brakes on life's relentless pace. Each week, I'll share insights from the front lines of my summer of deceleration - the daily struggle to simply be present without jumpstarting into the next thing. To marinate in a moment without stirring. To gaze at a cloud without checking my phone.

Rediscovering “Real” Friendship

As I continue my "Summer of Slow," I've found myself in an unexpected role: the observer. While the world seems to zoom by (as I mentioned in last week's post ), I've been granted a unique vantage point to reflect on my relationships. It's been enlightening, sometimes painful, but ultimately valuable. ??

Recently, I've been mulling over ideas from Arthur Brooks about friendship (link to his WOHASU 2024 talk here ). He talks about two types: "real friends" and "deal friends." The latter, which he also calls "utility friends," are those relationships that exist primarily because of mutual benefit or convenience. They're the colleagues you grab lunch with, the neighbor who waters your plants when you're away, or the contact who might advance your career.?

There's nothing inherently wrong with having these connections. They make life easier, more pleasant, and can certainly be enjoyable. But Brooks argues, and I completely agree, that we need more than just these transactional relationships. We need "real friends" - those who value us simply for who we are, not what we can do for them. ??

As I've slowed down, I've noticed the shifting dynamics in my friendships. Some people I considered close have faded into the background. Others have surprised me with their consistent presence, even when I have little to offer beyond my company. It's been a bittersweet realization.

Now, you might say, "It's summer! People are busy with their own lives." And you'd be absolutely right. The absence of certain friends doesn't make them bad people or bad friends. But it does illuminate the nature of our relationships. When all you have to offer is yourself, who sticks around?

Brooks suggests that we should all strive to be "useless" friends and to cultivate these types of friendships in our lives. It sounds counterintuitive, doesn't it? In a world that often measures worth by productivity and utility, the idea of being "useless" seems like a failure. But these are the friendships that truly nourish us, that make us better people, that bring lasting joy.

Yes it’s true, these "real" friendships require investment and therefore the amount of real friendships we can have, by nature, is limited. Research suggests it takes about 94 hours of time together to move from acquaintance to friend, and a whopping 300 hours to become best friends. That's a lot of time in our busy lives! But it's time well spent. ?

As I observe my own circles, I'm recognizing the need to nurture these deeper connections. It means being intentional about how I spend my time and with whom. It means sometimes saying no to "deal" interactions to make space for "real" ones. It's not always easy, but I know it's essential for long-term happiness and wellbeing.

This summer of slow, so far, has been eye-opening in many ways, but perhaps none more so than in this realm of friendship. It's challenged me to reevaluate my relationships, to be more intentional in my connections, and to strive to be a "real," albeit "useless," friend myself.

As we navigate our busy lives, I encourage you to take a moment to reflect on your own friendships. Who are the people who value you simply for being you? Who would still be there if you had nothing tangible to offer? These are your "real" friends, your "useless" friends - and they're absolutely priceless.

In slowing down, I'm learning that sometimes, the most valuable thing we can do is to be delightfully, wonderfully useless together. And in that uselessness, we might just find the most useful thing of all: genuine connection. ??

Give a shout out to some of your useless friends in the comments below. ??