Is Giving Young People Power and Control a VERY BAD IDEA?

I recently spend a day with a room full of people who do one of the most important jobs on the planet. They foster children.

Some care-experienced children are the most troubled, troubling and traumatised you could meet, and I can only be in awe of those who choose to share their homes, lives and love with them, 24/7.

Being a child in the care system is unfortunately peppered with the potential for powerlessness and helplessness, and my job for the day was to deliver a training session called ‘Re-empowering The Powerless Child’.

But the truth is that, culturally, children being widely given autonomy, agency and control is not valued and, in truth, is often feared.

It will forever bamboozle me that nobody?in power?questions why the same system that expects children to decide what they want to do for the rest of their lives by the age of thirteen?also sees fit to?dictate exactly where they are, what they’re doing and who with, what they wear, when they eat, and whether they’re even allowed to use the toilet.

The teenage brain is under massive reconstruction, meaning that adolescence, especially between the ages of 13-15, renders those brains ill-equipped to make big, complex choices, especially about the years to come.

But it would still help enormously if children were given the opportunities, regularly and routinely throughout childhood, to practice autonomy and agency, and to possess ‘personal power’.

Why would we?not?want our children to self-identify as an individual who can make informed decisions, exert influence and who are in charge of their own lives?

Unfortunately, while the world generally recognises that part of a healthily functioning adulthood means being able to exert influence, control and be in charge of our own lives, society tends to have opposing feelings about these qualities in childhood; ‘powerful children’ are expected to disrespect boundaries, undermine authority, be demanding, self-entitled, and generally a lot of trouble.

Even if we genuinely value the voice of children, it can still be hard work. Negotiating power and control with them can be time and energy intensive, and so it’s sometimes easier and quicker all-round for the adults to be in charge. And these are all valid concerns.

But how many young people, and the adults they become, then end up being washed mindlessly along with what everyone else is doing, even though it's not right for them?

Or just do what the world, or someone else, tells them they ‘should’, without question? (And let's not underestimate the risks, given that impressionable young people have become very useful commodities in crime and exploitation.)

Or living a small life because they fear taking up space??AKA not having a sense of their own power…

‘Children don’t want your power, they want their own’.

It’s a mantra I hold dear, especially for those who’ve been repeatedly rendered powerless.

The realities of living and working with some of these particular children is that - in an effort to exercise control in their own lives wherever they can – they may turn every exchange into a power struggle.

Or they may be paralysed by the fear of having any.

While often convenient, powerlessness is not healthy for any child or adolescent. And there are plenty of opportunities in our practice and parenting to help empower them, without the stereotypical fears materialising.

How else will they learn to steer their own course, stand their ground, dare to go against the grain, believe in themselves or chase their wildest dreams?

My latest blog ?explains three simple ways you can do just that without giving any of your own away (even if you have to adapt the ideas for your setting), but today I’m sharing three practical approaches that can make a transformational difference to those children, instantly:

Job Titles: Everyone likes recognition, but those children who struggle - with learning, behaviour, concentration, anything - can find themselves noticed for all the wrong things.

This simple approach works by assigning an important job title to a very simple, sometimes mundane responsibility.

If your lights need turning on and off, who is your ‘Head of Illuminations’? If your windows need opening and closing, who is your ‘Ventilation Director’? If you need materials handing out, who is ‘Administrator of Supplies and Equipment'? Can you use a Stock-Taker, a Cloakroom Manager, a Refreshments Supervisor?

This is one of the easiest but most transformative techniques I’ve ever used, and can make a child stand taller right in front of you.

Strengths-Based Reframing: When they’ve repeated heard all about their negative qualities, the result is that our young people can easily embody a self-image to match.

How can you reframe those alleged deficits and transform them into a strength instead?

If you’ve got a child who’s constantly being told to stop talking, where might you meaningfully use their big voice? If you’ve got one who’s angry is constantly landing them in trouble, where can they usefully apply their conviction to speak up for their beliefs?

If a child can’t find the courage to speak up, how can you redirect that quality? Could you use a quiet thinker, observer or note-taker?

The Power of Yet: A simple approach that most of know, but that’s easy to forget on a day-to-day basis. Especially helpful for the?‘I’m no good at…’?children, those entrenched in ‘Learned Helpless’ beliefs or who prefer to admit defeat than risk failing, the power of ‘yet’ can do a lot of good work.

It’s not always a silver bullet, but adding?‘yet’?to all of those?‘I can’t, don’t and won’t’?declarations can have a drip, drip, drip effect on a child’s sense of ‘personal power’.

Ideally they should develop the ‘yet’ habit themselves, but don’t invite a power-struggle with those power-needy children by insisting they say it. Your voice will be enough to make a difference.

Handing over some power to children, especially the already disempowered, doesn’t have to compromise our own. In fact, the most powerful thing we can sometimes do is share it.

If you want to know more about my 'Re-Empowering The Powerless Child' or 'Demystifying The Adolescent Brain' training (or any of my CPD) just reply MORE for info, or visit my?website here. ?