Giving what we want to give leads to authentic reciprocity

My friend Shani Penn passed away unexpectedly earlier this month. I’ve been reflecting on what I learned from her and from our friendship. We met as German Marshall Fund of the United States fellows, emerging leaders selected from different parts of the US to travel to Europe to help improve trans Atlantic relations. While Shani was most known as a fearless educational leader in Michigan, I will remember her for how she demanded reciprocity yet understood not everyone has the same gifts to give and we can choose what we want to share.?

A year after we met, Shani invited me to visit her home in Detroit and into her community. She told me from the beginning that in her family, guests don’t pay for anything. The night I arrived, we went to a lavish Hob Nobble Gobble at Ford Field, the biggest Thanksgiving fundraising event in the state. Whenever she took me to her favorite places, she insisted on covering everything. Even though she was only two years older, she earned a lot more money than me.

Shani wanted to visit Seattle and it made me a little nervous, because I thought she might anticipate a similar level of hospitality, one that I couldn’t really provide or afford. For example, she gave me a guest room with a private bathroom. All I had to offer was my own bed while I slept on the couch in my studio condo. When she came to Seattle, I tried to reciprocate in kind, out of personal pride and an unconscious belief that I owed her. I even bought new towels and sheets and got around to replacing my mattress to make my home nicer for her.?

Shani could tell what I was trying to do. She wouldn’t let me pay for everything. She said, “While I like to pay for my guests, I don't expect the same thing in return.” Without being explicit, she recognized that we have different gifts to give. I was relieved. I later realized that though she could certainly afford a nice hotel room, she chose to stay with me in my small studio instead so we could be together.?

Reflecting back on this, I’ve been thinking about how reciprocity doesn’t mean giving and getting the same thing, or something of similar “value” that requires an arbitrary monetary assignment. Rather, It means accepting gifts in the spirit that they are given, with no expectation that a gift of similar value must be given.

Through modeling authentic reciprocity, Shani helped me unlearn some of my personal expectations around giving and getting.?

In my book, 7 Forms of Respect, I describe how respect is dynamic and one of the dimensions that makes it so is the difference between “give” versus “get.” This means the forms of respect we like to give can differ from the ones we like to get. This distinction is usually one of readers’ biggest epiphanies. The difference between giving and getting can feel contradictory, perhaps even hypocritical.

I believe we like to give what we already have in surplus and what we want to get might be something that we actually lack. The human interaction of giving and getting is the process of making ourselves and each other whole, filling in one another’s gaps.

In the years since our visits to each other’s homes, my beliefs have evolved even more.?

Here’s what I’ve learned:

1. If we want something, we should tell people otherwise our unspoken expectations will only make us feel bad

When I host someone for a meal and they ask what they can bring, I now specify what they can contribute to the meal. I used to say “nothing” and was surprised and disappointed when they actually brought nothing, which meant I did have unspoken expectations. Bonus: I actually get what I want when I specify.

1. We don’t “owe” anyone anything when they choose to give us something. And if they feel that we do, that’s their issue.?

In the past, when someone gave me something, I used to feel like I owe them something. I especially resented it when I was given something I didn’t even want. Now I accept gifts without feeling like I owe them anything. I have a friend who gives me expensive yet practical gifts for my birthday I’d never consider buying for myself. She doesn’t expect me to do the same. In fact, she rather buys what she wants for herself. I just write her heartfelt birthday cards, which she deeply appreciates.?

1. Allow everyone to contribute in their own way, whether that is their time, treasure, or talent

We all have something to give, and it may change, depending on our current life circumstances. The gifts we exchange don’t always have to be material. I have some friends who are willing to drive me around, since I don’t have a car, to get errands done. That is their gift to me, which I deeply appreciate. As we drive around, I reciprocate by listening, encouraging, and, as needed, giving professional advice. That is my gift that I have to offer them.?

1. Don’t assign a monetary value to intangible gifts because we’ll never agree on the value

When we reduce our gifts to a financial value, it makes the interaction feel transactional. Moreover, this is a futile exercise, because we may never agree on the value. For example, someone could value their time and gas money and wear and tear on their car having a certain price, and I would assign it a different value. I found that it’s better to believe that we are just each contributing what we can.?

When Shani visited me in Seattle, her favorite experience was a private tour of the Starbucks headquarters, which was made possible because I asked my friend who worked in the design department to show us around. That did not “cost” me anything.

1. Define what we want to give and what we want to get.?

It’s been helpful to think about what I don’t want to give and what I do want to give. I hate shopping, so I don’t want to give material gifts. I find it stressful. My partner and I promised early on in our relationship we would not buy each other gifts. I like offering to review people’s writing (I’ve read many college application essays for my friends’ kids) and to share business set-up advice to aspiring entrepreneurs. I actually like getting practical gifts, like household supplies or food items, or acts of service like a ride somewhere.

I just told a friend I would not go to her destination wedding because the costs and planning involved would be too stressful. In the past, I might have stretched my finances to attend as a form of giving, and then become resentful. When setting my boundaries, I have to first manage my own expectations of what I can and can’t give so I can then manage other people’s expectations.?

Side note: the 7 Forms of Respect guides people to articulate what forms of respect they want to give versus get.

1. Be proud and confident of what we are able to give

This lesson took the longest to accept emotionally. I learned that it’s OK to offer something I do want to give instead of what is being asked of me. For example, a friend asked me to attend the fundraiser of a nonprofit they support. I did not want to give my time and money by attending a gala. I offered instead to host a Vietnamese dinner at my home, including cooking the meal, so that it could be auctioned off at the fundraiser to raise money for the nonprofit. The meal was a humble, home-cooked affair, and my real gift was facilitating a conversation and circle of story sharing that I knew from past experience, my dinner guests would remember much longer than the food.

When I think back to my friendship with Shani, I can appreciate how we were two very different people from different parts of the country who wanted to invite each other into our worlds. We gave each other what felt good to give, and accepted that even those gifts would be different.

Thank you, Shani, for helping me understand the spirit of authentic reciprocity. Rest in peace.?

To read more about Shani, here’s a news release.