Giving up now is not an option

In my interviews, I found that the negative self-talk comes back repeatedly over a period of time (the self-doubt for some can go on longer than for others). This necessitate a need to develop resilience which is now a common theme in leadership.

This panel discussion is a continuation of ‘Dealing with negative self-talk’, I asked a few of the interviewees to relate back to how they built their resilience when dealing with their own negative self-talk as a first time leader. The panellists are:

Konstantine: Jumped into leading a department of 30 with 3 team leaders directly under him as a first time leader 6 years ago for a luxury shopping mall. Featured in article (https://bit.ly/2V6PD2I)

Rodrick: A first time leader and a retail store manager with nearly 4 years of experience in a luxury good sector. Leads a retail store with over 15 staff members.

Kendra: A sales team leader with over 4 years of leadership experience in banking. Featured in article (https://bit.ly/2GQWMu7)

Veronica: A first time leader with nearly 3 years of experience in the education sector.

Kurodin: A first time leader with under 1 year experience from the non-profit sector.

Crystal: A first time leader with 3 years of experience in the Luxury good partnership industry. Became a leader on her first day on the job when she was informed the department leader she was going to report to had been transferred to other areas in the organisation.

Shannon: A first time leader with over 4 years of experience on the consulting industry. Became a project leader 2 years into her consulting career.

Kyros: Was acting department leader for a year before officially becoming the department leader. Led the team for 5 years. Was from a manufacturing background.

Daniel: Thanks everyone, and welcome to Crystal and Shannon for joining us. Lets start off with the first question, which is dealing with the imposter syndrome when it come back to haunt you now and then in your first time leadership journey. The ‘imposter syndrome’ is the feeling that you are a fake, that doubt is to why others should be following you in your leadership. How do you deal with it?

Konstantine: When it gets challenging, I take a timeout to regroup my thoughts and think rationally. As leaders we have to understand that the Imposter Syndrome is an emotional thing, so timeout works for me to calm myself down before going back into the work.

Rodrick: Resiliency has to be built up over time. Things got better for me in my 2nd year. I learned there are some things that I should not bother too much about. Initially when I heard negative feedback, I used to be bothered by it. I have learned to let my work do the talking. Being a leader can be somewhat lonely as I do have less work colleagues at my level.

Kendra: I agree with the ‘loneliness’ bit. It’s part of the progress, especially if you have chosen the path of leadership. If you are a willing leader, you find the reasons to keep going. If you are a reluctant leader, then your reason to keep going is fewer. I chose my path and keep going back to the reasons for doing so. No one is perfect in all situations.

Veronica: I acknowledge that I do have certain limits. I do not try to act ‘smart’. If I do not know, I will tell my team that I will go find out. Acknowledge and facing the situation or failure together. Acknowledging really takes the pressure off me.

Kurodin: When I mingle with experts from the external community in my work, I do feel that at times. I recognise that other people have experiences in other areas. So I listen, absorb, and learn what I can do with the information and take back to my work.

Crystal: There were many moments, and I asked other leaders if the situations I faced was common, which I would later learn that it was. I also read more on leadership and management, to understand how I should be leading people. In the midst of the chaos, I reminded myself of the positive feedback that I got.

I remind myself that I cannot please everyone, and I learned to filter away the negative thoughts. Having a support network of other leaders and managers who have faced similar situations helped, and like Rodrick, I soon learned to brush off the unhelpful remarks.

Shannon: There is doubt from not knowing so many things on leadership. I was unable to ‘fake it till I make it’. I had to teach myself how to respond appropriately in situations where I am not an expert. Similar to Kurodin, a way that worked for me was to bring in other experts into those situations, learn from them, so that I will know how to handle a similar situation in the future.

As Veronica has said earlier, I admit that humility in revealing that we do not know is useful. That said, even if we do not know, we need to show that we have given it some thought. It is not easy.

Kyros: There are times when I had those thoughts where I asked if myself if I was suitable for the position. I realised that everyone is human, even the C-suite people. It made me see that everyone has the same self-doubt. The best way for me was to keep going, practice kindness to myself, acknowledge that I need to improve, and accept that I will make mistakes.

Daniel: Second question, and lets shake things up a little. As a first time leader, your success is now dependent on the success of the team, and failures are inevitable from time to time. In one minute, share how do you handle failures, both minor or major, that occurs with the team?

Konstantine: I accept that some losing battles will occur, after all we are only human. I then tell myself and the team to get back to focusing on the important things in the journey ahead, and to make sure we learn from the mistakes and not repeat them.

Rodrick: I learned to not be crestfallen, be more assertive and learn that failures will not get the myself or the team down. I learned in my first 6 months that my team is feeding off my energy, so I have to be more positive than the team and keep moving forward. They will follow suit.

Kendra: It’s down to the personality. If you cannot handle failure, then you are going to fail all the time. Leadership is a choice, and it is tough. If you do not want to do it, then do not do it. Having a support system is important. Your maturity helps when you face failure.

Veronica: I agree with Konstantine. Acknowledge and accept. Things happen. It’s no one’s fault. It’s the entire team. As the leader I accept accountability.

Kurodin: What’s the impact of the mistake or failure? Like what has been shared earlier, I lay no blame because all of us make mistakes. Learn how the mistakes were made, make sure everyone know how to avoid such mistakes again. Move on.

Crystal: Sounds like we have similar views. I recognised that everyone will learn mistakes, and I adopted an approach of trying to help the team learn from the mistake and improve on it. The responses from the team gives me an indication that they either get or not get why the mistake had occurred. The team had to learn that one mistake as an individual contributor has a wider impact on the reputation on the team.

Shannon: Failure in the consulting industry is dependent on the people involved in the project. I have to chase up with people to ensure they get the work done even after their allotted time with the project, especially when their work is not completed within that time. Failure is not an option because it has big implications for my reputation into future projects.

Kyros: I constantly remind myself that mistakes happens, so I accept it and look at how I can learn from it. Failure is not the mother of success if you do not know where the mistake was made. I get the staff involved in learning from the failure.

Daniel: Sometime team members do not perform within expectations, and how you need to have ‘the talk’. In no more than 20 words, how do you deal with having to have those difficult conversations with team members?

Konstantine: Focus on actions and the results. Avoid judgement on person and character.

Rodrick: Address the entire team on minor issues. Speak one-on-one to address major issues, then speak to wider team.

Kendra: I rehearse what I want to say. Prepare. Learn techniques. Decide when to have such difficult conversations.

Veronica: Prepare and anticipate for the conversation. Choose your conversation wisely.

Kurodin: Know the personality of the person and prepare for the conversation in my mind.

Crystal: Prepare for conversation with specific incidents, get staff to recognise performance issue, and leave the meeting feeling more positive. Empathy.

Shannon: It’s personal relationships. The people have to get the job done within project budget.

Kyros: Minor situation, get the staff involved. Major issue, it’s top down approach.

Daniel: Last question, everyone. Leadership can be stressful. How do you handle the stress when it starts to get too much. Share your answers in under 1 minute.

Konstantine: I have a support group of like-minded leaders inside and out of the organisation. It also helps to be with family and other social aspects to get away from the work and help refuel the emotional tank.

Rodrick: I have that now and then. I think of my family. Everyone needs a mental outlet to get away from work to help us be sane.

Kendra: Reaffirm why I am doing this. I clear my mind and just relax to recharge my mind. I meet up with like-minded peer leaders to get perspectives.

Veronica: I speak with my predecessor to get perspectives. I run through my mind to resolve things and break out of such negative thoughts.

Kurodin: I go cycling to clear my mind and come back more positive minded.

Crystal: I was put in the role, so I either excel or give up on myself. I believe that I would rather have tried and failed, than not do at all. I refer to motivational quotes and read them often to manage myself and to get myself back into the positive mood. We lead ourselves first.

Shannon: I say to people to have clear distinction between work and personal life, so you can recharge for the next sprint. Learn to negotiate having adequate resources to ensure a project gets completed well. I remind myself that if I burn out, the company can always find someone else. So keep those boundaries.

Kyros: Leadership is stressful as a first time leader, and I needed validation from peers and bosses to know what went right or could be improved. Your first time leadership role needs to be successful as it sets the stage for further successes. Of course, if the environment does not allow you to success, stepping down then becomes an option. Still, make sure you have learned from the experience.

Daniel: Well, everyone. Thank you sharing your experiences in resilience, and to those who participated in the previous session on ‘Dealing with negative self-talk’, thank you to you for your contribution there as well.

Exercise

In reading through all the inputs from the panellist, have you picked up a way of building your resilience in your leadership journey?