Giving Thanks on More than One Day

In the United States we are preparing to celebrate Thanksgiving. It’s an opportunity to gather with friends and family and offer our gratitude for the important things in our life. That is easier said than done, however, as our thoughts so often go to what is missing, what we want, and what others have that we wish we had too! It takes reflection and purpose to direct our thoughts back to what we do have with a sense of gratitude and appreciation.

Imagine an oversized whiteboard with a small black dot somewhere on its surface. What do you see when you look at the whiteboard? The plurality of the white surface or the singular dot? Our minds are wired to look for problems and irregularities. We tend to focus on what’s missing, what we don’t have, rather than what we do have. Changing the paradigm and focusing on what we have in our life takes effort. And when we acknowledge and appreciate the good things we have, something magical happens: we get more of those things!

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Offering gratitude

In my coaching and training work with leaders, I often hear that they give praise and recognition to their employees regularly and in meaningful ways. Yet less than one in three employees in the US would strongly agree with that statement. So, where is the disconnect?

Think how often you may throw out a “good job” comment to someone, thinking you are being positive in recognizing that person’s effort or work. But what did the person receive and understand from your comment? What are you acknowledging and why? There is a better way to offer the acknowledgement you want to give, and the other person deserves.

• Be specific. Let the person know specifically what they did that was valued and recognized. Generalities will not help them repeat the desired behavior or action, as they will not be clear what was praiseworthy.
• Be timely. Don’t wait to offer your praise; do it as close to the moment as possible or reasonable. The effect diminishes the more you wait, and it’s harder for the person to make the connection between action and response.
• Be relevant. Once you acknowledge the behavior or action, explain why it was important to you, to the team, to others, etc. This will help the person gain a greater appreciation of the impact they can have on others and on results.
• Be grateful. End the recognition with a simple and sincere Thank You. You will be surprised what a difference this simple expression of gratitude can have on the morale and well-being of others. But it will also have a positive effect on you as the giver of the praise.

So, catch people doing the right thing and recognize the behaviors you want to see more of from them and others.

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Learning from the kids

When I was first starting out as a soccer coach, I was so caught up in the structure and the discipline of my practice sessions with the young kids, that I forgot these simple ideas. In our warmup, the kids would be excited to be on the fields with their friends, and they were running around with smiles on their faces, chatting away, but paying little attention to the form and details I wanted from them.

This would make me so frustrated, and I would yell and point out all the things they were doing wrong. This had a dampening effect on their mood and mine. In fact, it made practice a miserable chore! I could tell myself that I was only behaving this way to instill the discipline and knowledge they needed to succeed, and remove the silliness and sloppiness of their actions. But this didn’t help the kids feel valued and safe to practice and try new things, to make mistakes and test their abilities. I was developing little robots without personality and joy in their game.

And that was the key; the reminder that I needed. These were kids playing a game! Rather than focusing on what was wrong (and there was plenty to point out this early in their journey), I started focusing on what was right. By praising the behaviors and actions I wanted whenever they happened, I got more of those behaviors and actions. And not just from the young player I recognized, but by many others that also wanted to feel valued and praised.

When I acknowledged Addie for her nice touch on the ball, Emma wanted to show me that she could do it too. When I pointed out how much I liked that Dakota could quickly dribble downfield with her head up to see her teammate, Maddie wanted me to see that she could do it just as well!

We get more of what we focus on. When we bring our attention and the attention of others to specific behaviors that have an impact – positive or negative – we make a connection between the behavior and our attention. That’s why sometimes kids behave poorly, because that’s the only way they can get our attention and feel noticed. Bad attention seems to be better than no attention!

If you are leading a team, think about how much time you spend on the problem children on your team. If it is disproportionately high relative to their performance, you may want to ask yourself why and at what cost. Are you neglecting your high performers that should be receiving your attention and praise? Understand what you want, then catch people doing those things and recognize the behaviors you want to see. You will get more of them, I assure you.

If you want to show someone you value them, express your gratitude and appreciation in a sincere, specific, and timely manner.

That’s it for now. Until the next time, be great, do great, and have a great (Thanksgiving) day!

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