GIVING AND TAKING Why both are equally important in creating opportunities

If you use LinkedIn frequently or you’ve had a meeting with a digital marketer in the last five years, you’ve probably heard of Gary Vee and Simon Sinek, but just in case you haven’t, here’s a little about them.

Gary Vee (Vaynerchuk) is a brash, fast-talking entrepreneur and digital media specialist. After transforming his family-owned liquor store into a $60-million-a-year e-commerce-linked wine business, he founded VaynerX and the full-service digital agency VaynerMedia. His strategy centres around the concept of ‘hustle’, and he frequently posts motivational videos about his ideas.

Simon Sinek is a business strategist and organisational consultant who focuses on the psychology that underlies successful business and their owners. He is best known for the concept of ‘starting with why’ – the subject of a book and a wildly popular 2009 TED Talk1 – and of using purpose to define your business path. His approach and strategy tend to be more contemplative.

Despite their different delivery styles, Vaynerchuk and Sinek’s thinking often syncs up – so much so that they release videos together. The specific video that inspired me recently was all about giving employees more than you take from them.

GIVING AND GETTING

Right off the bat, that’s a concept that flies in the face of tradition. Most of us have been brought up to believe that we need to give our all in order to impress our bosses and prove our worth. It’s one of the reasons we work ourselves to death.

This expectation is shared by our bosses, who are used to taking everything from their employees and giving back only the bare minimum, whether in terms of salary, days off, mentorship, or just a bit of slack for a worker going through a tough time.

In the video2, Sinek explains how he uses an exercise called ‘Give and Take’ to find out what his potential colleagues and partners can give to his business, and what they want to take from him.

Picture it: you’re sweating your way through an interview, and your interviewer asks you what you can offer. You list all your skills, just like you prepared. But how do you answer when he flips the script and asks what you’re going to take from the opportunity?

‘Um… inspiration?’

That’s not what Sinek is after. He wants to know what people want to take selfishly from him. In other words, what do you want Simon Sinek to give you in exchange for the skills you provide?

This is more than a pressure test. It’s a construct for people to prove that they’re both selfless and ready to give, and that they’re also selfish enough to take – and in what proportion.

If what people can give is on par with what they’re going to take, you end up in a balanced relationship. Working through imbalanced relationships, as so many people do, leads to resentment and complaints about money, work satisfaction, fulfilment and that awful boss of yours.

Gary Vee has a different approach to balance, which he calls 51:49 – the ratio needed to overdeliver (ever so slightly) without tilting the balance of a relationship to a point where value is no longer fairly exchanged. It’s designed to make him look good.

He is open about his ulterior motive: leverage. His employees and partners are satisfied because they’re getting more than they expect – so they’re more likely to stay, and mirror the attempt to overdeliver.

This strategy might not feel as warm and fuzzy as Sinek’s, but the fact remains that Gary Vee still gives more than he takes. And that got me thinking about the attitude we need to develop in order to forge an abundant future.

WE’RE NOT WORTHY

When I was collecting the many testimonials and documents that I’d need for my planned move to New York – not easy when you’re a South African of Iranian descent – I asked my friend Yossi for help. The process involved me sending countless emails and messages that started with, ‘Sorry to bother you but…’ Like most people would, I kept apologising for putting him out. I had immediately assumed that helping me would be an inconvenience for him.

We’ve all been there: we ask for assistance or advice, and then we say sorry a thousand times when we get it.

Then Yossi said something that changed everything for me, right down to the way I breathe. (Really.) He said that while I kept apologising, I was effectively resisting his efforts to give me something and so denying him the opportunity to be generous.

Whoa.

I hadn’t thought about the situation from his perspective. Once I did, I realised I was being strangely selfish (to my detriment). I wasn’t allowing him to be generous because something inside me didn’t think I was worthy of that generosity.

Here’s another example. A friend of mine once offered to make me an on-the-spot lunch. I was hungry, but I didn’t want her to go out of her way, so I told her no thanks, I was okay. Happily, she persisted, I caved, and she made me an unbelievable meal. At the time, I felt weird about being cooked for, because I wasn’t ready to receive her generosity. She, on the other hand, was confident about giving, and that by doing it she would take something in return – my gratefulness, the pleasure in doing a friend a good turn.

It’s not just about offers of help. We struggle to accept things – compliments, advice, gifts – because we don’t think we’re worthy of receiving these things. It seems that, for many of us, loving is easy, but being loved is a skill we need to practise.

It’s essential that we modify this mind-set.

THE ONLY WAY WE’LL BE ABLE TO EXPECT, CREATE AND ALLOW INTO OUR LIVES A NEW FUTURE IS BY RECEIVING THE LESSONS, ADVICE AND LOVE THAT PEOPLE ARE SO FIERCELY TRYING TO GIVE US.

Receivership starts with saying, ‘I’m worthy’. It’s connected to the idea of self-compassion (which we’ll look at in more detail in SHOT 14). Once we are healed and no longer held back by painful memories, we are ready to receive gratitude and gifts from others, and to share our gifts more freely in turn.

Practising receivership starts with preparing our bodies. Following my mind-opening conversation with Yossi, I started by focusing on every breath that I receive, feeling it deep in my solar plexus. It’s a simple exercise, but it helps prepare me to receive whatever the world wants to give me.

THE BOTTOM LINE

What we get in life is directly proportional to how worthy we think we are. How much you forgive and love yourself will define your world and what happens through you. We can never take advantage of the opportunities on offer tomorrow if we’re not ready to receive them, whether at work or in our personal relationships. Stop denying yourself: you are worthy of everything that you can receive, today and in the future. Now, it’s time to give and receive.