Giving grace

Much has been and will continue to be written about leadership. On LinkedIn alone there are posts, articles and lists abound highlighting what it means to be a leader. Today, I want to add my viewpoint to the conversation.

I come to this with decades of experience and years of feedback, so I am not just pontificating from the interior of my thoughts. I have a track record and data - official and unofficial - that support my perspective. This article highlights what I see as a requirement for leaders at times when it's most difficult. It's my take on how, as leaders, we can react from a place of integrity in moments that make us uncomfortable, upset, irritated or angry.

Due to my tenure in the workforce, I hear from many people about their experiences. A recent conversation helped inspire me to finally put my thoughts to "paper" (digital paper?) as it reminded me of my journey through challenging circumstances. I call the approach I have adopted from those experiences "Giving Grace".

Simply explained, giving grace means that even though we have official POWER to exact discipline or punishment to someone for an infraction, we use that power rarely and only after exhausting every other option. I do not use that power to punish or discipline unless the person in question is a) harming others, b) violating an EXTREME norm (e.g. coming to work intoxicated), or c) completely dropping the ball such as refusing to come to work or repeatedly, intentionally and consistently not doing their job.

Although this is not a COMPLETE list, here are some examples of times when I do NOT pivot to "writing someone up", even though there are rules on the books that might support that response:

1) someone sends an email, or speaks up in a meeting, expressing frustration about some aspect of their job, and it feels a bit accusatory and disrespectful

2) someone responds to a text/Teams message, or comments in a meeting, with a statement that seems a bit more flippant than I would use to someone higher in my chain of command

3) someone has a meltdown at work that includes accusations of dropping the ball by management, and potentially some colorful language that I perceive may be directed at me

4) someone is having trouble getting to work on time and/or is calling off a lot

5) someone is struggling to get their work done or with the existing workload rotation

As I noted, there are others, but let's explore these examples.

My initial response to #1 and #2 is to not react. Some days I am very chill and am not moved or even annoyed, but I'm human! There are days when an off color message/statement or even a questionable use of words can raise my eyebrows.

If I am irritated by someone's message, it is highly likely that it is MY issue, and not anything to do with the intent of the sender. Therefore, after checking to make sure it's not MY issue or misinterpretation, I ask myself the following questions:

a) is this something that has been stressful for all of us?

b) is it possible that this person is going through some challenges in their life outside of work?

c) do I accept that everyone can have a bad day and not be on their best game? (including me!)..., and so on.

The next thing I consider is whether or not this is worth escalating to a big deal, and I can't think of a time when I have answered that question with a "Yes".

If we are in a leadership position but cannot deal with communications that we don't like, we're not suitable to be in that role. Simply put, responding to a message, a comment in a meeting, or an email with a write-up or other discipline because we didn't like the "tone" is a HUGE tell that we're in over our heads, and "not ready for prime time" as a leader.

True leaders are fully capable of riding the waves of human emotions across large groups of people. Their egos are strong enough to withstand real or perceived dismissal of their position or status, and they are self-confident in their knowledge and abilities. This means that they are not rattled or "threatened" by someone who responds to them in a way that is less than ideal, by their own standards or anyone else's.

If we are in a leadership role, we should check our comfort level with those kinds of situations, including how we feel physically, when someone acts in ways that seem to question our status.

Item #3, referring to a more direct and personal incident, is also a time that calls for grace and kindness. No one is going to put themselves through that in front of their colleagues without some serious life challenges at the root of it all. If we're so weak and pathetic that we would react to this in any way OTHER than with compassion, we should immediately submit our resignation because it's clear that we are not ready or capable of being a leader.

Life is hard and everyone's circumstances are different. If we only care about what WE want, or how WE see the world, or how WE want things to go; we're acting like a middle school kid who needs some life lessons in getting along with others on the playground. Workplace leadership roles are NO PLACE for middle school playground bullies.

Giving grace in circumstances like #3 include getting the person to a quiet place, gently and compassionately communicating to them that they're going to be OK, and assuring them that their momentary lapse of decorum is not going to ruin their careers or lives. I'm also likely to give them the opportunity to go home for the day to decompress.

While I will have to address any issues that include patients or other staff members, if it's just us, all is forgivable. Again, we have ALL showed up at some point at our worst, and it should not be something that ends our careers or marks us for life as a problem employee.

Situations #4 and #5 require an even stronger commitment to leadership as these folks are struggling with LIFE, let alone their jobs. In these circumstances we want to utilize the employee-support tools we have at our disposal, and communicate to the employee that we're in their corner and not just waiting for them to do "one more thing" so we can discipline, punish or fire them.

Effective leaders build teams that trust them, want to contribute to the overall team effort and know that they are safe in their roles to be human. We're ALL human, and no one - from the top to the bottom of the hierarchy - is immune from life's challenges.

KINDNESS is a popular topic these days, and I have done a number of presentations and papers on it myself. Giving grace is next level kindness. It requires that we check our egos and sense of entitlement at the door, especially in times when we feel questioned, disrespected or dismissed.

That's leadership. If we're doing it right, it's about standing in the line of fire and taking the flak that comes while supporting the people who do the work that affords us the opportunity to lead.

The next time you get the urge to write someone up for something they wrote, said or texted, or get frustrated with someone's actions at work, think about what you'd hope for if the roles were reversed.

My guess is that you'd welcome - and be grateful for - some grace.

If you find yourself working for someone who "isn't ready for prime time", the best thing you can do may be to find another role that gets you away from that person. It's been my experience that fighting "city hall" isn't usually a viable option. Too often the toxic leaders we encounter are just 1 in a long line of incompetence and toxicity. Save yourself the headache and the stress, and give yourself the gift of a more peaceful and just workplace. If your options are limited today, map a plan to upskill and set a goal to exit.

Life is WAY TOO SHORT to put up with individuals who get their validation from "kicking down" in the workplace.

You deserve to have a net positive experience at work, with people - up and down your chain of command - who are emotionally and psychologically healthy. If that's not happening, regardless of your role, practice giving YOURSELF the grace that comes with working in a better place.

(C) 2024 'Just a Job'

NOTE: I'm happy to chat - confidentially - with anyone who is stuck in a toxic place and would like some advice/guidance in making an exit plan.