Givers in Relationships

Giving in your marriage is highly rewarding.??Well, I’m not talking about giving for Charity.One of the significant secrets for a very successful marital relationship is in our attitude of becoming ‘givers’ in our Marriages.

“It's better to give than to receive” is a famous saying of Lord Jesus Christ1!?But we often enter into marriage with the expectation of ‘getting’ than ‘giving’.?A closer look at ‘Courtship phase’ in many relationships too subtly expose that even the so called ‘giving’ is performed for ‘getting’thosehidden selfish desires!! That is why we read about ‘acid attacks’ and ‘suicides’ when some relationships break-up before marriage – they just lost what they expected to ‘get’ and reacted violently.

During Pre-marital counselling sessions, Bella and I generally ask the couple to explain us the reason whatthey think they are getting married for.??An overwhelming majority of answers are somewhat like this –

“I feel so happy in his company”

“She understands me like none other”

“he is so handsome; I can’t stop thinking of him”

“I am feeling lonely and wanted a partner”

“My parents are old.?They need some support”

“I look odd at my age being unmarried”

All of the above falls into the same category – “I have ABC need and I expect her/him to meet it”.?it’s all about GETTING WHAT I NEED.

You scratch my back and I, Yours

Soon after marriage, couples recognise that the other person also have ‘Needs and Expectations’.?That is where this theory of ‘You meet my needs and I will meet your needs’ philosophy emerging.Give & Take is the fundamental premise of this philosophy.?There are Books galore in Book shelfs talking about ‘His Needs-My Needs’ etc.???But there are at least 3fundamental problems in living with this philosophical outlook:

First one is the question of ‘Prioritisation’ - Whose need has to be met first?Both have intense ‘emotional needs’ on a continuous basis (24/7).??If satisfaction of my ‘emotional needs’ are the only stimuli for me to fulfil the emotional needs of my wife, there is a problem.?Very soon, we will stop fulfilling the needs of each other expecting the other person to start first. Moreover, what is so great about ‘quid pro quo’??There is no sense of ‘awe and excitement’ in ‘return gift’ (at least for adults)!

Secondly the ‘needs’ of Spouses can be of contradicting in nature. We know of a husband for whom ‘Holiday’ means chill out in his hotel room.?But for his wife, ‘Holiday’ means back to back outdoor activities.?Both will be ‘unhappy’ at the end of the ‘Holiday’, having wasted significant part of their holiday!?That is just an example… there are hundreds of such contradicting ‘needs’ with which we live.?No wonder ‘happiness index’ is often going down in Marriages.

Thirdly, there will arise a tendency of ‘bargaining’ for meeting ones needs. Often the aggrieved Spousestop meeting the ‘need’ of the other, in order to bargain for ‘getting own needs’ met.Recently,a Court inIndia has observed thatdenying sex to one's husband for a long period of time, without any justification, is an act of 'mental cruelty’.?I am sure, if we ask the wife involved in the said case will also list down dozens of unmet needs from the husband that prompted her reaction.?How do we solve it?

Philosophy of Giving rather than getting

It is in this background, philosophy of giving in marriage gain significance.?There have been several studies about the happiness level of people who are ‘givers’ in Charities.These studies seem to point outhow happiness indicators increase in such people when they‘give away’ their resources.?At the surface, this outcome looks contradicting – how can someone be happy when they are ‘giving up’?

The above experiments lead us to a deeper understanding of human nature.?When we make the need of ‘other’ as our own need, ‘giving in to their need’ becomes equal to meeting our own needs!

Baby & Mother

We find babies having always a one-sided view of meeting their needs.?It often inconveniences the Mother.?In fact, baby’s needs most of the time contradict the need of the mother.??When mother wanted to sleep in the middle of the night, baby wanted to play!

However, we will see Mothers meet every need of their child with all their heart.?How is it possible??It is possible only because, a mother considers the need of her child as her own need.??In fact, she finds immense ‘fulfilment’ in meeting the need of her child! ?We call it ‘selfless love’.??Greeks use to have a different word for such ‘selfless love’ – Agape.Greek literature always referred ‘Divine Love’ with the word Agape.

Principle of ‘GIVING IN MARRIAGE’ is derived from that example of a Mother. If human beings are capable of rising to that level of ‘Agape love’ in relationship with their children, can’t we rise up to that level with our Spouses too??When we are willing to reckon ‘needs of our Spouseas ‘our own need’, we will start ‘Giving in Marriage’.??Then the relationship will start becoming exciting!

It is sad that the sheer exhilarating joy in a ‘Giving in Marriage’ is rarely enjoyed by couples even after decades of ‘co-living’.?It’s not about having enough resources or expensive holidays.?‘Giving in Marriages’ will give you unspeakable joy and contentment even if you have just lost your job and living in a shack.?

What stops us?

The first and foremost villain that stops us from a ‘Giving in Marriage’ attitude is ‘Selfishness’. Human beings are fallen into the trap of selfishness; so much so that it is now ‘glorified’ as a great virtue!?One has to rise above ‘selfishness’ to achieve this attitude of ‘Giving’ in their Marriage.??It is only at that level, we will be able to start pursuing the ‘need of the other’ as ‘our own need’.

?We don’t find fault with a little baby that thinks that the whole world is rotating around its ‘cradle’!?But there is something wrong with a Spouse who behave that way.??Only a ‘mature adult’ can let go his/her own needs to meet the need of the other.?

On the other hand, as long as we consider ourselves to be ‘the privileged one’, we will never get to see the beauty of relationship from this height, because that row selfishness is antithesis to a ‘giving relationship’ in marriage.??Such people are so ‘self-obsessed’ that they hardly listen to the need of the other person.?They are in a ‘self-satisfying and self-glorifying one-way trip!!?They try to even ignore the need of their spouses.?Only when the marriage break-up, they come to their senses.?

The second villain against the ‘Giving in Marriage’ is our own fears.?The biggest worry for many to pursue this path of ‘giving’ is the fear of becoming a ‘doormat’ in the relationship. One has to rise above this fear as in Marriage, you have become ‘One’ with your Spouse.?There is no question of becoming a ‘doormat’ just because of ‘giving in marriage’.?

Mostly, this situation arises due to ‘cultural baggage’ of ‘patriarchal societies’ where women are expected to be ‘givers’ and men are ‘receivers’ all the time.?Many men blindly believe that the above arrangement will give them the ‘marital bliss’.?However, several studies point out that the above notion is patently wrong.?In such relationships, women are likely to grow resentful as the ‘giving’ is considered more of a ‘chore’ or ‘duty’. That ‘resentment’ will start eating into the health of ‘relationship’over the years like cancerous cells does in human bodies.

Recently we have come across an old husband in such a ‘one-sided giving’ relationship being treated literally like a ‘door mat’ by his wife!?The poor man is driven mentally ill as he cannot believe how his ‘obedient wife’ could turn into a monster at his old age!

In case of such ‘manipulative’ cultural contexts, Spouses should have open and positive conversations to rise above their cultural backgrounds.??

A case study from our Counselling room

Sri.Anil Kumar* was an outgoing, sports-loving and enthusiastic young man.?He got married to Smt.Anila Kumari*.??She was so loving and homely.?He couldn’t wait to marry her.?But a few months into marriage, he took an appointment to meet us.?

He waw bewildered.?He still loved his wife.?But he couldn’t digest one of her demands.?She insisted that he should sit at the dinner table with her after he return from work and keep talking to her looking into her eyes!?He just couldn’t understand it.?Isn’t that he worked hard the whole day and coming home after a tiring travel? Can’t she understand that and allow him to have a little ‘space’ for himself??

We calmed his nerve and explained him about her ‘emotional need’, the need of feeling ‘secured’, ‘attached’ and ‘belonged’.?We then introduced him to this concept of ‘Giving in Marriage’, making her need as yours.?

15 years later and with 2 lovely children, they are a wonderful pair to behold, having become profuse ‘givers’ in their relationship!

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Index:

1 Bible - Acts 20:35?

*Names changed