Give yourself a break, you deserve it!

At this time of the year, it’s hard not to get excited about the summer holidays. Whilst getting away and exploring new places is such a welcome change; for me personally, I found solace in a space of two hours. What did I do during that time??

Nothing, absolutely nothing!

I sat still looking out of my bedroom’s window and just stared into the blank space. Don’t get me wrong, that’s not my recommendation for your summer holidays, but sometimes a break from all that’s happening around you, and time with yourself becomes even more crucial when you have little or no control over all the externalities.?

Now, the 120 mins of quiet weren’t the original plan for our family holiday though. It just turned out to be so because my mental health needed some attention.

We had planned a lovely getaway to a beautiful beach location— a 3-hour drive on a warm sunny day would be perfect especially with the British summer being so generous this year. But then, covid happened! And that was okay. After having evaded it for over 2 years; my husband, my toddler and I came down with it. Thankfully, the symptoms were mild so we got better in about ten days.

As we began to get excited about the holiday, my 72-year-old father who lives in India got hospitalised with a severe chest infection. Now, I am aware that my father’s lungs regularly show signs of fatigue, discomfort and breathlessness but the fact that he is far away in another country in the Intensive Care Unit of a hospital, and as usual, it’s my lovely sister taking the lead in managing the hospital care made me feel absolutely horrible.?

The truth is as expats/immigrants, we gradually learn to accept the price we have to pay for the benefits we reap from living abroad. With all the growth and the privileges comes the pain of little or no support from family, and the guilt of not being around to help when your family really needs it.

So, when I learnt that my father was hospitalised, I sat there staring out of the window for a long time. Choosing to cancel the beach holiday was an obvious decision. But more importantly, this time for my mental well-being, I cancelled a few appointments in the diary and chose to spend a few hours alone in silence.?

The silence felt deafening as it brought up all of those emotions I had been successfully closeting perhaps for many years. The feelings of guilt, overwhelm and helplessness trying to expand their space in my heart but oddly getting pushed into a corner by my head trying to power through all of it and get on with the work that needs to be done.?

As a new entrepreneur who’s still figuring out the essentials of entrepreneurship, the list of things to be done is endless. From working with clients to networking activities, social media engagement and continued professional development, there is always so much to do and it’s all essential. But that day as I sat down looking at my to-do list, I knew my heart was just not ready to be pushed anymore.

For a long time, self-compassion has not been on my priority list. It has taken a lot of personal coaching to uncover how deep-rooted my assumptions about self-compassion are.?

Without judging anyone, I have observed how sometimes people have a sense of pride associated with the idea of powering through difficult moments. It's perhaps a bit more pronounced in south Asian cultures but equally the skill of powering through has been associated with a hustle culture in the west.

Whilst growing up in India, I found my parents' role modelling the strength of perseverance. I know it is a valuable strength that I have learnt from my parents; it’s a strength that has helped me spring forward from challenging situations. But I wondered if like most strengths, perseverance can be overused! Where do you draw the line between perseverance and perseverance with little or no regard for your mental health? And if you don't know when to pause, what impact does that have on your mind and body?

?In the quiet, I found answers to a few of those questions.?

?If it was not for the increased self-awareness, I know ordinarily I would have powered through the situation. Without a thought, I would have gone ahead with the meetings in my diary. And I would have justified it by telling myself I wasn’t really helping anyone anyway, as it was my immediate family back in India that was looking after my father. But to my surprise, this time I didn’t carry on with the work and just gave myself a break.

I took the break I needed and acknowledged that I needed the time for myself.?

• I learnt that self-compassion is important and is a sign of the relationship you have with yourself?
• I reflected on how self-compassion has begun to become a priority for me, finally!
• I acknowledged that even though I didn’t have many role models practising self-compassion when I was growing up, I can consciously set an intention to prioritise it going forward.?

I know deep-seated beliefs take a long time to change but I’ve made a start. Not practising self-compassion comes with a cost. And having paid the price of it in the past, I will start walking the talk now.?

I have come to accept that self-compassion is important not only for me but also for my little one who sees me as her role model. Often as parents, we tend to underestimate the influence we have on our children and how much they learn by seeing us practice what we practice.

My father is thankfully home now and recovering. He's been challenged by the state of his health to consider the need for self-love and self-compassion. And this episode has clearly made me think deeply as well. Reflecting on this experience has helped me make a change. And I have now reintroduced mindfulness and yoga in my life as I know those have previously helped me become more centred, more relaxed and more compassionate. I am glad my self-awareness is increasing and it's helping me make changes, I wouldn't have made otherwise!

Wondering where you make a start with self awareness?

Perhaps consider which of your strengths you tend to overuse. As you enjoy your summer holiday, treat yourself to some quiet time. Let your mind wander, and see where it takes you. Enjoy the holidays!

The MirrorSpeak newsletter has been put together with the intention to stimulate thinking. If you find my reflections helpful, please share, subscribe or reach out for a coffee chat.