Give Yourself a Break: Bringing Self-Compassion to Work

Beating yourself up for not being the best is a trope we are all much too familiar with. Most of us see it play out almost every day in our lives. Sometimes even the most menial tasks can have us thinking - “I can’t do this.”, “This is out of my reach.”, “Why did I ever take this up in the first place?”.

When things don’t go well at work, when the challenge is new and out of your experience, when the worries of our personal lives paralyse our productivity in the workplace – we can end up feeling like we have swallowed more than we can chew.

Perhaps we've missed a target, mortified ourselves during a meeting, or spoken sharply to one of our colleagues – the memories of such lapses haunt us, pinching at our confidence and warping our self-perception.

Dwelling on these situations and constantly berating yourself for them may appear to motivate us to do better, to be better, but this is far from the truth.

What is the need for self-compassion?

Everyone has setbacks, makes mistakes and even encounters temporary failures at work. Whether it’s the CEO or an entry-level employee, no one is free from the scope of error as long as they are human.

It’s the way we respond to the setbacks, however, that defines the way our future development will look after the mishaps. Broadly, our response is made up of either one of these two behaviours:

Self-defensiveness:

In the face of the big screw ups, our first reaction is fear of consequences. We try to shirk off responsibility by getting defensive and playing the blame game so the finger wouldn’t point to us directly and will also take the sting out of the censure in the same shot. But this reaction prevents us from taking the curve of learning. Not owning up to your mistakes may be a good way to apparently avoid judgement but it comes at the cost of going round the same comfortable orbit for the near future.

Self-reproach:

The other approach many people take is self-reproachment. Now, this one seems justified at the time. It appears to take responsibility for what happened while shooting ourselves down for not having the good sense to avoid making the error in the first place. But it can lead to an overly pessimistic evaluation of one's potential, and that also stifles personal growth.

The need for self-compassion is, therefore, significant. For making the transition from self-doubt and inaction to understanding and engagement, self-compassion is the key.

What exactly is self-compassion?

Plenty of us connect self-compassion with weakness and dread that practicing it will lead to complacency or a loss of motivation.

However, self-compassion, in reality, is the bedrock of resilience and increases your power to survive in the face of adversity. It helps you strengthen your capability to handle obstacles and uncertainty by adopting a positive — rather than negative or punitive — attitude toward your endeavours.

Self-compassion is just treating yourself as you would a friend in the same situation. And just like your best friendships; it’s an essential strength for resilience, especially when times are hard.

Self-compassionate people exhibit three characteristics:

1. They choose kindness over judgement.

Rather than be judgemental about their shortcomings and errors, self-compassionate people go over their actions with kindness and understand the reasons behind the way they acted and what happened.

2. They don’t personalize failure.

Often when faced with failure, people are likely to personalize the experience. They resort to statements like – “It’s my fault I failed.”, “Why can everyone else carry on fine, but not me?”, “I am not smart enough.” Self-compassionate people, on the other hand, realize that failure is a common human experience. While some succeed in a particular type of situations, others succeed elsewhere. But everyone, at some point, is dealt with a blow.

3. They rationalize their immediate reactions

When self-compassionate people fail or fall short, they take a rational approach to their negative emotions: they permit themselves to feel bad, but they don't let negative feelings take over the rest of their growth. Simply put, they know where the line between taking responsibility and self-flagellation lies.

How to practice self-compassion

For some of us who are still going by the old scripts that are parents, teachers, childhood friends wrote for us, and perceiving ourselves through the same old lenses, self-compassion can be incredibly challenging. Here’s how you can gradually begin to build space for it in your life:

Start in the now

The easiest time to start practicing self-compassion is now. Literally. Take 20 seconds after you are done reading this sentence and take three deep breaths. With each breath you take, think three thoughts that:

1.??????Help you identify the nature of your thoughts in the present moment.

2.??????Remind you that whatever you are experiencing right now, you are not alone in the experience. Millions like you all over the world, and many in your own circle, are probably going through the same. Make a side note to connect with them.

3.??????Show kindness towards yourself – “This is challenging but I have the training to get through this.”, “I can always take help if I face a difficulty.”, “My potential does not depend on accomplishing this one task,” Or even just decide to go for a coffee break when you are stressing out are all good ways to practice self-compassion right now.

Meditate:

Incorporate a guided meditation into your morning routine, in?your lunch break, or the at?conclusion of your workday. You may also attempt a shorter meditation if you realise you're falling back into the habit of beating yourself up at different times during the day.

Write to yourself:

Take up a pen and answer the following questions in an encouraging letter to yourself: What would your inner guru have to say about the difficulties you're dealing with? What would you say to a buddy who is going through something similar? Take a few moments after you've finished writing your note, reread it and see if you view your problems more objectively now.

We need people that search for shared humanity with their workers, customers, and stakeholders as we confront a future that is more unpredictable than ever. People who can connect and encourage others will define this foundational turning point for the new world of work but their first step must be to figure out how to be compassionate towards their own selves.