GIVE WHAT YOU WANT TO RECEIVE.

There has been a lot of talk about the need for EMPATHY in business leadership, over the last two years.

We've all read the articles in Forbes and HBR. Empathy is a new power skill for leaders. I agree. (It always was, by the way.)

But in my interactions recently around this topic, it seems that it's mostly leaders who are talking about the need for leaders to be more empathetic. Employees don't seem to be calling for it – at least not as loudly as good leaders are trying to develop it.

Interesting...

Employees are calling for something else.

I put out a LinkedIn poll recently asking what people wanted from their leaders.

I gave three choices: EMPATHY, TRUST, or INSPIRATION

TRUST came out tops. (Admittedly, only by a nose, but still... that's interesting, isn't it? ... I haven't seen many Forbes and HBR articles on trust.)

Leaders feel they should be more empathetic… Employees want to be trusted…

Interesting.

This has had my head ticking over, trying to make sense of it. And I think I have found a missing piece that unties this riddle – that makes sense of the seeming disconnect.

Here is my working hypothesis:

Over the last few years, many of us humans have been struggling under a load we haven't actually been strong enough to bear.

That’s ok. That’s not our fault. We are running a marathon we never trained for.

We are juggling home and work and parenting and technology, and all other manner of challenges – in a changed and changing world. It's been difficult to do. And all this exhaustion comes with a little parasite called SELF-CONDEMNATION. A little liar of a thing.

Self-condemnation? How so?

We don’t rationally blame ourselves for the load.

We know the current world is not of our individual choosing or design. Rationally we understand this, we know the burden is not OUR fault. So we don't judge ourselves for the burden. But what we do instead is judge ourselves for not being strong enough to bear it. And we try to do anything we can to prove we CAN bear it.

We push harder to prove we are capable.

As individuals, we feel that we can outrun this pressure if we can just run harder. (I feel it too).

We are burning out.

We think that if we just double down we’ll be able to come out ahead. Outrun the trauma. All we need is one small thing from our leaders.… Not their pity, not their empathy...

We just want their TRUST.

We don’t want anyone to feel sorry for us, because then we are admitting we feel sorry for ourselves.

"We can do it!"

"Just give us space!"

"... We’ll do it! .. We’ll get it done!"

"Just … TRUST us!"

Leaders feel this too. (At least I do.) The self-doubt is real.

So we call for trust from our leaders, because if we get it, we will be validated that we are "ok." We are strong enough. We have it all together!

But that's not true. We DON'T have it all together. We aren't strong enough. In fact, we are all ripe candidates for a good dose of good old fashioned empathy.

We just don't want it.

Now the fascinating thing with empathy is that it’s easier to give it to someone else than it is to accept it or give it to ourselves. But that doesn't mean we don't need it... It just means we are proud. So we project our own hidden need for empathy onto others, and then try to vicariously meet our own needs, through them (as proxy), by extending compassion.

In fact, this is precisely what the origin of the word Empathy suggests.

Empathy is a fairly young word in English, only about 150 years old. It was first translated from the German word Einfühlung which means to?"project your own feelings onto a viewed object." The prefix em- means "to put in, or into,"?we see it in words like empower and embellish.

The end part of the word "-pathy" means emotion. Empathy is to put YOUR emotions into OTHERS. When we empathise we are not only seeing the hardships of others, we are projecting (or imputing) our own difficulties and emotions into them, subjectively interpreting their situations through the difficulty of our own context – and then spending our compassion on them instead of on ourselves.

When we see our own challenges mirrored in the lives of others we are moved to compassion. But we don’t judge them for not being strong enough, because deep down we understand. We are gracious towards them… we comfort them. So instead we channel our own need for compassion into what we feel we could give to others – empathy.

We are giving away the compassion that we actually need.

Now, to be clear, this isn't a bad thing (in fact it's a good thing) it just isn't enough of a good thing. Compassion directed at others, in a time like this, is amazing. It makes the world better. But it doesn't go far enough.

We need to recognise our own need for compassion, and then give it to ourselves too, in the form of self-compassion.

Are you making the connections here? We give away what we need to give to ourselves. It's just like with the five love languages: we show love in the way we want to receive it, instead of speaking in the love language that the other wants to "hear".

What am I not saying?:

Is it that employees are wrong to think they need to be trusted? No… of course, they do, we all need to feel trusted – if we want to feel we are contributing our best. But our own felt need for trust is merely a coverup for a deeper need. Instead of asking for trust, let's try trusting ... ourselves and our leaders.

Also, instead of just extending empathy to others, let's try to extend it to ourselves too. We need to give some self-compassion to ourselves. (Leaders, pay attention. Read that line again.) We need to give some self-compassion to ourselves.

If you feel you need to be trusted, try trusting others a bit more. If you feel empathetic, try to be more self-compassionate.

What else am I not saying?:

Now after all this is said and done, am I suggesting leaders are wrong to have a desire to develop their empathy? Not at all. We all need more compassion and leaders are in a prime position to impact the lives of their people through empathy. And, as I mentioned above, just because employees aren't asking for empathy doesn't mean they don't need it. ??

So... with that being said, developing a better understanding of empathy – and its power to affect a beneficial impact on each other – is crucial if you are a leader. So, before you go, why not check out this video I produced last year about the power of empathy.

P.S. Watch at least the first 3 minutes before you decide if it's worth carrying on ;)

Enjoy.

The video below is a 25-minute encouragement for leaders to understand how
 they can increase their influence and impact on the wellbeing of their 
people, through Empathetic Leadership. In this video I explore Empathy,
 Emotional Contagion, Narrative identity and the power of Positive Emotion.
        

Theran is the Chief Humanising Officer for Mygrow, 
the Emotional Intelligence Platform. 
At Mygrow we care about helping people be better,
and seeing companies grow. Feel free to reach out to us
if you are interested in finding out how we can help you create 
"The team you always wanted." 
Visit www.mygrow.me or email us at [email protected]