Give the Benefit of the Doubt

Imagine that you and your partner arranged to meet for an hour-long lunch. You don't have an opportunity to do that often, so it will be a special day. Your partner calls you to say he will be about 15 minutes late because he was delayed at work. You're annoyed that lunch will be cut short. But the real question is this: Will you view his lateness as a result of some character flaw and lack of consideration; or will you view it as due to extenuating circumstances? Will you give your partner the benefit of the doubt?

Researcher John Gottman refers to this as "positive sentiment override," whereby your positive feelings about your partner override his negative actions. It doesn't mean you will tolerate abusive behaviors or pretend that obnoxious behaviors are perfectly acceptable. Positive sentiment override, or giving the benefit of the doubt, is a willingness to cut your partner some slack when he's not being very nice or sensitive. When you give the benefit of the doubt, you recognize that your partner's attitude or behavior isn't ideal and is perhaps hurtful. And you may even tell him to stop. But you are also able to look past his actions and tell yourself that he is still a pretty good person.

"Negative sentiment override" is the opposite. Your negative feelings about a partner override his neutral (neither good nor bad) actions. Usually this happens in relationships where one person is insecure and mistrusting to begin with, or where the couple has drifted apart and ill will outweighs goodwill. When this occurs, even a somewhat positive action by a partner can be interpreted negatively. For example, when Taylor discovered that her husband, Jack, had washed and vacuumed her car without being asked, she was not happy or grateful. She and Jack had not been getting along for many months. Her first thought when she saw her shining, clean car was "He only did that so I'd have sex with him tonight." She may have been right. But he still washed her car and did her a favor, for which she should feel appreciation.

Failing to give the benefit of the doubt will make a good relationship go sour, and a sour relationship become intolerable.Giving the benefit of the doubt makes a good relationship better and a weak relationship stronger.

If you're like most people, you tend to give the benefit of the doubt at least initially. It's only when the relationship has fallen into a rut or there have been too many misunderstandings or the two of you just haven't been getting along that negative sentiment override creeps in.

Did You Know?

The more ill will you have toward your partner, the less you will be able to accurately asses why your partner is being negative, and the more likely it is you will believe that your assessment is accurate. If you continue to interpret a partner's actions in the most negative light, a self-fulfilling prophecy will occur. Your partner will probably become more negative, more vindictive, more secretive, or more underhanded in response to your ways. If you want your relationship to last and be satisfying, you must be willing to interpret your partner's actions in a less negative light.

Also, research findings show that when a couple is not getting along, they under-detect by as much as 50% a partner's positive actions. Emphasizing the negative and de-emphasizing the positive can only make the situation worse.

Make Sure You Have the Benefit of the Doubt, Too

Some people have a hard time giving anybody the benefit of the doubt - friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, and so on. Other people might be able to give a friend or coworker the benefit of the doubt, but not a partner. People in the first category tend to be suspicious of others to begin with, and they often have a history of having been betrayed or let down by family or friends. They view people as having ulterior motives and they find it hard to forgive and forget. They also tend to be controlling in their relationships. Sometimes, an overly accommodating partner might try to prove trustworthiness by submitting to the suspicious partner's ways. Over time, that submissive partner feels imprisoned and the suspicious partner hasn't become more trusting. If you are trustworthy, and a person of goodwill, but your partner repeatedly accuses you of being untrustworthy and you are not being given the benefit of the doubt, your relationship will never be a satisfying one unless your partner changes. Then you need to be both firm and encouraging. Be firm by stating that you won't tolerate any more false accusations. But be encouraging by thanking your partner when he or she treats you fairly and showing him or her that the two of you can have a quality relationship when you are treated respectfully and without suspiciousness.

 Key Attitude Shifts

When it's apparent that you are not giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, it's time to make these shifts in attitude:

• If my partner is angry or in a bad mood, it must be because something is troubling him/her that he/she thinks is important.
• My partner's bad mood might be due to outside factors that have nothing to do with me or our relationship.
• My interpretation of my partner's actions may have to do with the mood I'm in at the time.
• My partner and I might be caught in a vicious cycle.

Give the Benefit of the Doubt - But Don't Be a Fool

It's important to repeat that giving the benefit of the doubt means that you judge your partner's motives less harshly or more benignly. It doesn't mean you must repeatedly put up with nasty behaviors. If you cut your partner slack when he/she continues to act in toxic ways, you are hurting yourself and the relationship. Some behaviors you can look past and put up with, at least occasionally. But some are destructive. If any of the following situations apply to you, you need to take a clearer stand on what is and what is not acceptable if you want to have a chance at happiness:

• Any action that is emotionally, verbally or physically abusive. Emotional abuse includes such things as being made to feel you're worthless or crazy, having to put up with unpredictable outbursts, and living in fear. Verbal abuse includes insults and name-calling, being yelled at frequently and for no reason, and remarks that make you feel stupid or worthless. Physical abuse can include things like pushing or restraining you, in addition to hitting you.
• Any addictive behavior or habit, be it drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, etc.
• Controlling or possessive behaviors. This includes restricting where you go and whom you see, false accusations and having to submit to the other's wishes.
• Infidelity. This can include an "emotional affair" where sex is not a part of the picture but infatuation and secrecy is. It also includes internet relationships where the talk gets sexy and the content of those discussions is kept secret from you.

If you are unsure whether to tolerate certain behaviors that hurt you, speak to close friends or family whose opinion you trust, along with a therapist. If the consensus is that you are being mistreated, take that opinion seriously.

What To Do

• For one week, make a running list of everything your partner does that is the least bit positive. Don't overlook a positive action by saying to yourself "He should do that anyway." A positive action is a positive action. You may be amazed at how many things you don't give your partner credit for. Remember: You are actually under-reporting your partner's positive actions, because you were not around all the time to observe everything. Also, many positive actions go undetected because they are nonactions: A partner doesn't say something unkind when he felt like it; a partner doesn't show anger or frustration when it is felt; or a partner goes along with something - without letting you know - that he would rather not have gone along with.
• When your partner does something you don't like, ask yourself "If I did the same thing, might I have a good reason?" We often find reasons to justify our own negative behaviors. Can we do the same for our partner?
• Say thanks when your partner gives you the benefit of the doubt. If you're in a bad mood and your partner is very sympathetic, despite the fact that you've been no fun to be around, show appreciation. Say, "Sorry for being in a bad mood today. Thanks for being so understanding." Your partner will welcome your gratitude and give you the benefit of the doubt in the future.