To Give or Not to Give Advice?

Imagine a room full of experienced leaders who maintain the habit of meeting regularly to discuss what preoccupies them. Someone shares a complex challenge, and within seconds, advice begins flying around the table. Yet, by the end of the session, few real insights have emerged, and most ideas feel dull and generic.

This is usually the downfall of such meetings. They often accommodate too much room for free-flowing conversations and advice-giving rather than creating a structured sharing format.

I was recently invited to facilitate a focus group for a number of leaders who have been meeting regularly for the last three years. They didn’t see much growth from their meetings lately. I adapted the structure we use for our mastermind meetings and I invited them to follow a tailored set of steps.

The habit of throwing advice out immediately when one understands the problem is not something that I encourage, so I asked them to trust the process and avoid any kind of advice.

By the end of the session, they were surprised to find that they had learned many lessons in the span of three hours and also discovered new things about each other. As a final step, while answering their questions, one person firmly asked me: “Alexandra, but why not give advice when we know exactly what the person might need?” And this inspired me to share my thoughts on advice-giving.

Why giving advice isn’t always the answer.

It limits exploration. I learned during the coaching process that the best thing you can give to someone in trouble is a good question—NOT a good answer. Asking the question in a way that does not suggest an answer and keeps all possibilities viable is like opening a space where the other person can find or create their own catered solution.

It assumes a universal solution. Life is so unique that what has worked for me might not work for you. More than that, what felt natural to me, might feel the exact opposite to you and vice versa. When I applied to attend INSEAD, I read many articles about how a GMAT score lower than 700 points would generate a rejection from the school, followed by tons of advice on how to get a better score. I followed them thoroughly but could not increase my score above 670. However, I still applied with that score and got accepted.

It can unintentionally create ego-driven dynamics. Sometimes, even with all the best intentions, giving advice might sound like a negative comparison between someone who struggles to find a solution and someone who is wiser because they have been through that experience before. If your advice sounds close to any of these quotes—“I was in your situation a long time ago and now I am in a much better place,” or “I know exactly what to do to avoid the point you are at,” or “you might not see it as clearly as I see it, but you will eventually learn and understand my perspective.”—then I advise you to take a deep breath and think about its real potential to help someone you actually respect.

Why sharing creates (more) value.?

It fosters connection and trust. I have expressed many times how the experience of the Touchy-Feely course changed my view on trust and safe spaces. After sharing my grief for having lost my grandma on my birthday, and hence my emotional fragility, I witnessed other members of the group who then also shared aspects of their personal lives for the first time publicly. Some of them told me afterward how my courage to open up helped them trust the group as a whole.

It invites reflection and personal growth. I believe we are all equipped to find the best solutions for our challenges. If they are our challenges, then we must find our own solutions, too. If I share a story as a start to a conversation or as a reaction to someone else’s story, I trust deeply that the other person is knowledgeable enough to take their own lessons from my story. It is said that good writers write their stories for smart readers, allowing them the pleasure of coming to their own conclusions.

It empowers others. If giving advice is associated with having more power than the one who struggles, sharing automatically empowers the other person. Sharing invites active engagement where the listener must think critically, adapt the insight, and draw their own conclusions. I always say that sharing is like a buffet dinner—we put all we have on the table trusting that everyone knows what they need. They are able to decide how much to take and what to do with it. Our only responsibility is to share something authentic and valuable, not to ensure others take what we think they should take.

How to create a culture of sharing.

I deeply believe that great leaders grow together. Similarly, great friends grow together and great couples grow together. For me, this means that as a professional I treat everyone else as a professional as well. By experiencing challenging situations, we do not lose the virtue of our experiences—we are still the same wise, successful, and intelligent people who face the discovery of the unknown.

Sharing should happen with the approval of the other person and should always be of a personal nature. I will share my story and my lessons, leaving you the role of taking what you want or need out of it, if anything.

However, there is an exception when giving advice might be the right thing to do: when it is asked for specifically. Unless you hear something like, “If you were me, what would you do?” or “What would you advise me to do?”—then giving advice might come as an unsolicited nuisance.

I know this is a sensitive topic and I would love to hear from you about your views on sharing vs. giving advice.