Girls like you....

 "Girls like you run 'round with guys like me

'Til sun down when I come through

I need a girl like you, yeah yeah...." -- Adam Levine, singer (Maroon 5)

As we approach International Women's day (March 8), I began reminiscing the past 35+ years of my existence on this planet as a woman… This is an attempt to collate my experiences and learnings and share them with the world. Disclaimer: These views are entirely personal to me and do not represent any of the professional organizations I have associated with. I also greatly appreciate all the learnings and support of all of my colleagues throughout these years and none of these musings are intended in a negative way :)

 Growing up in Chennai, India, I was fortunate to be born into a home of working parents who believed in an equitable world and wanted me to the best at everything I did. Our extended family consisted of well accomplished cousin brothers and sisters and the expectations were always the same no matter whether we were male or female. Little did I know that this world view would change as I ventured into the bigger world.

 First benchers:

While pursuing my computer science engineering, I noticed a drastic dwindling in terms of numbers. In a class of 60+ students, we girls were the minority. We were the first benchers, the second benchers…. Maybe in some years we made into the third bench too…. But no farther than that! And the mechanical engineering batch had 1 lone girl in the entire class. Why was this the case? Are girls not smart enough to slug it out in S.T.E.M(Science, Tech, Engineering, Math)? On the flipside, it was comforting to see a few woman lecturers and women in senior administrative posts. These were the authority figures we gravitated to at times of need.  Hope is still there, said my young heart…. 

 First taste of corporate life:

At 21, as I started my professional career as a software engineer, it was an exhilarating head rush.  Orientation day revealed that we girls were still a minority but the percentage was on par with college and as a young professional, diversity concerns were definitely not top of mind. There was a ton of learning to do, friendships to be forged, professional interactions with our customers and weekends filled with fun trips. I noticed that there were many women in middle and upper middle management positions and it was encouraging to hear from those few. But, wait…. Why are there not many women in the C-suite or at the officer level? Is this the norm? Maybe this is an outlier said the heart, and life went on..

 Golden child:

As I advanced in my career as a software engineer, the fact that I was a minority started to hit home.

One of the teams I was on had decent diversity(30:70 women to men ratio) and we also had a 10% representation of women at the senior manager level. I was beginning to realize that no matter where I move to, in the technology world, if I am walking into a professional meeting, there is a good chance that I am going to be the only one that looks like me (immigrant, brown female engineer, speaking in a feminine tone).

On my team I observed instances of "Man-splaining" wherein the competent women's point of view was interrupted or over explained. Back then, I was na?ve to observe patterns in these behaviors however I was quick to file these scenarios mentally in the back of my mind and focus more on listening and speaking up only when asked to. I decided that there was only one thing I could fully control in my professional life - Competence. I began a quest to become competent and learn more about good software engineering design and coding practices.

 As a bolt out of the blue, a new officer joined our organization.  He was an inspirational IT professional with 30+ years of experience. He spoke about the importance of building diverse teams and he cast a great vision for our organization. His words had a lasting impact on me not only because of what he said but also because of his diverse background. He was African American! I was finally able to identify in principle with a leader who looked slightly like me (the color of our skin was a couple of shades apart), a leader who spoke in a different American accent(hmm I was still becoming familiar with the American accent… was he from Chicago? :)) , shared stories of American sports heroes (I knew none of them :) ) and was authentic to his true self and ensured actions matched his words. Under his leadership, as an organization, we developed and enhanced applications that enabled our company to train and develop associates, manage our HR systems that paid our employees and helped promote diversity. I was provided the opportunity to participate in mentorship programs and began to be appreciated by my team and customers. A few years later, I got promoted and I was very excited.

 #BubbleBursts

One day, one of the more tenured Caucasian male colleagues on the team, someone whom I thought I had built a strong professional relationship remarked that "I was a golden child" in front of the rest of the team. Everyone had a good laugh.  I did not care for this remark but I brushed it aside.  However these words were repeated again in a few different occasions and now they started to sting. Why did he feel this way?  Am I being favored by my leaders because of being a woman? Or being of color? Am I not competent at what I do? Was I doing something wrong? Why was he not saying this about some of the men who also got promoted on the team and were doing well? Was I pandering to my leaders and presenting a false picture of who I am? I began second guessing myself…. I continued to work in this area for several more years driven by the purpose of my African American leader. However, my confidence did take a dent and I was even more fiercely determined that I need to invest in Competence much more than what I thought was possible.  

 I might meet my CIO in the Ladies Room!!!

There is a sentence you don’t expect to say much in Corporate America :( I was personally excited when my organization hired a female into the role of CIO. Under her leadership, diversity and inclusion programs and programs to level the playing field for women bloomed. I got a wonderful opportunity along with fellow women to interact with accomplished professionals such as Indra Nooyi, the former CEO of PepsiCo. It was professionally refreshing to hear from our CIO in organizational meetings. I was still disheartened that there were still no women of color but hey, at least there is a woman leader, I should be comforted by that, right…..

 This was also the same period when my husband had decided to pursue his Masters. One night we sat up late almost until 2 AM talking about the future and how things could look different if we expand our knowledge by gaining a masters. At the beginning of the talk I was like, "Masters? Meh….. You go and do it, I shall support you…"  By the wee morning hours, he had influenced me so much that I became highly motivated. I was like "Masters? Heck yeah. I am gonna do it with you and maybe beat you at it :)". ! I took a month or two to get heads down in prepping for the GMAT, scored decent grades, and we embarked together on a two year journey to complete our Masters in Business Administration while working full time. We competed hard, learnt a lot, forged beautiful friendships with our class mates and had a great time in those 2 years at Sam Walton College of Business. It was hard work. We had classes on Saturdays, a ton of assignments to do as well as fulltime jobs that required us to be the best for our customers. At the end of these two years, I felt more confident and definitely more competent. After this, I completed my Project Management Professional certification as I was eyeing a career switch and had already burned it into my mind that any changes from my core skill of software engineering will need to be greatly backed up with corresponding academic training.  I moved across the organization into various project and program management roles. By this time, I was comfortable with being the minority and decided to pay it forward by sharing what I know/learnt with others who might be looking for help.   

 #BubbleBursts

I had instituted a practice of sharing project/program management tips with my team on a regular basis through knowledge share sessions, documentation etc. One day, one of my fellow Caucasian male colleagues on the team, again someone who I had a decent rapport with, approached me with a concern.  He felt that I was doing these sessions to advance my own career and it was apparently undermining others on the team. Apparently, I was perceived as someone who was "in it, just for herself".  Wow…… I was shocked to hear this because that was definitely not my intent. I thanked him for his feedback and clarified my intentions. This was deeply disturbing to me personally because I have always believed that I am a team player. I discussed this with my husband who gave me more sensible advice to not consider the feedback at face value and rather observe the behavior of my colleague and attempt to understand why they felt that way. Contrary to the sensible advise, I scaled back drastically on my knowledge sharing and took a significant backseat. Within a few weeks, my colleague who gave me the feedback started doing more of these type of sessions and began gaining adulations from the team. He was certainly happy. I on the other hand was confused….  Should I not help others? Should I maybe speak less? Was he feeling threatened because I did such stuff? Doubt set in but I brushed it aside to help our customers on their projects and continued in the same area for a couple more years…..

 Admin professional:

Fast forward 5+ years later, I had decided that the best way for me to help others in their career was to take the plunge into leadership. My first foray into the manager role was guided by one of my mentors, a Caucasian leader with a background in the armed forces. He taught us the importance of being accountable, setting a high bar on execution and most importantly to mentor, and pay it forward. He walked the talk and built a diverse leadership team with an almost 50:50 split in terms of gender(Sadly, I was still the only woman of color in the leadership team). Our leader gave us a great platform to voice our opinions and always stayed in the background while pushing every single one of us to become better.  I enjoyed those early days of leadership where I was able to learn from accomplished senior women who were able to empathize more with the way I approached situations and were able to nudge me in the right direction, challenge me where needed and support me. The sisterhood we forged on this team still stays intact and I meet these ladies every time I am able to.  I understood the vital importance of male allies. If every male leader in every organization could become an ally for just 1 competent woman, we can increase the representation of capable women in leadership. 

 #BubbleBursts

After a few years on this team, I moved to a different team under a new leader. I was the only woman on his leadership team but we had a great rapport and I felt that everyone was professional and supportive. During this period, I performed a lot of "chief-of-staff" type activities to keep us all well organized and operating in a consistent manner. A lot of this was driven by my natural passion for being organized at the workplace. Some of this was also driven by the fact that the rest of my colleagues were more disorganized and this was hampering our collective ability to lead our teams in the best possible way. One day when I came back from several days of vacation, one of my tenured Caucasian male peers(look at this repeating pattern!), a person that I trusted and thought I had build a good relationship with, mentioned this innocent remark in front of the rest of my peers - "Vidya, I do not think we could do without you, you are so good at doing all the admin assistant kinda stuff. While you were away, we guys were just all over the place…!".  I was taken aback. It was a veiled compliment but also a tad sexist (in my humble opinion). All of us were senior engineering managers and our job descriptions included planning and organizing related competencies. If my job on the team was that of an administrative professional, I would have been 200% happy to have heard his comment. However, my job and his job was the exact same. He and I were both expected to be well organized and planful in our work. Why was it that I was being teased for my natural strengths of planning like this? Was I being too sensitive? Are women more organized in general because we have a larger role to play as care givers? I mean my day since my boys were born has always started out with thoughts of what I need to cook for them, what snacks to pack for their school, etc…. But my husband also equally participates and there are a lot of occasions in my personal life where he is ten times more organized than me.  I have seen super organized men at the workplace and I have seen super organized women too. Is planning and being organized at work as a manager, a bad thing? Why do these bubble bursts happen to me? Why? Why? Why?!!!

 I took the remark again in my stride, chided him a bit and asked if he only sees me in this light and if my remaining skills and competencies are not relevant. He quickly realized that he may have crossed an invisible line and back tracked a bit.  I also made a mental note to make a change in my behavior.  I decided that I would focus more sharpening the strategic aspects of my job and push my colleagues to step up and improve their operational/organizational skills. I took a few steps back on the regular planning activities and off course my male colleagues stepped up to fill the gap. It bothered me that here I was in a leadership role and there were fellow leaders who might be harboring unconscious biases. Are they assessing the strengths of their teams on the basis of competence? Or, are they basing it on centuries of patriarchal biases that have seeped into everyone's subconscious? This incident strengthened my resolve to make decisions that are definitely based on competence and not based on archaic ways of the universe (A woman cannot be a good computer programmer , A woman is not good at math, A woman is great at planning, A woman who defends their decision or opinion strongly is "feisty" , A woman who is passionate about her beliefs is labelled "emotional" etc. etc. ) Who says such stuff?? Men?

 Birthday planner:

A few years later, I had the most unique of all opportunities. I was hired by a leader who like me was an immigrant. The fact that he was born and raised in a different country allowed us to share experiences and align well. He was an active proponent of diversity and under his leadership, I was given the opportunity to lead a team that had an interesting diversity mix - It was an all men team with several Asians :) They had never had a women leader before and I still remember the first team meeting where I entered into the room and was surrounded by an extremely quiet group of software engineers. My manager boosted my spirits by giving a wonderful introduction about my accomplishments however in my heart of hearts, I was feeling very nervous. I may have even expressed privately to him that it felt a bit daunting. He said he trusted my leadership instincts and that it would be good for this team to experience leadership from a diverse perspective. I started to learn more about the team and gradually over a period of time, we started building mutual trust.

 #BubbleBursts

In one of our group interactions, one of my direct reports(an Indian Man), remarked that he was glad that I was here. I asked him why he felt so. He said that under some of their previous leaders, since they were all men, they never celebrated occasions such as birthdays and now that I am here, he felt comforted by the fact that I can change the culture and help organize birthday parties and more celebrations. I smiled….  He meant no harm. Having been raised in a traditional patriarchal society such as India he must have naturally assumed that me being a women might be naturally equipped to be a party planner. Little did he know that all the parties at my home are organized by my brilliant husband who excels at planning, at baking the best cakes and at DJ'ing. I did not take his remark to heart because by now, 15+ years into my career, I had learnt the art of insulating myself from such remarks. However, I was determined to continue to work hard to level the playing field and bring the focus back to competence and negate the relevance of gender, color and other diversity factors. I wanted to make my team, a team of competent professionals with greater empathy for each other. I wanted us to celebrate both individual and team victories, care for each other as a family and win for the company. For the next three years, I did not organize a single party. Instead we went out on team lunches since those were relatively easier to plan for all of us :) In the last leg of my tenure on this team, as I was expecting my son, I was touched by the team's kind gesture to organize a baby shower for me ( a task that is stereotyped as something women organize). The experience on this team changed me for the better. Yes, change can be enacted through sheer will and perseverance. I was comforted however also concerned that we still have more work to do. Gender bias in the context of Asian culture is a more deep rooted issue and for all of my fellow women who are out there working in traditional patriarchal societies such as Asia, my heart goes out to you. Stay strong, you will shine. Focus on your competence and use your voice!

 What next?

I now know that as a double minority in technology(woman of color), the path ahead is not always going to be easy. I am sure there are more #BubbleBursts moments waiting to happen. However, I can do my part to make the path easier for others.  I can ensure that career advancement decisions are always made through the lens of competence. I can play my part by imparting my learnings to other women in the workplace.  As a leader when I hear statements such as "She is not technical enough" or, "She needs to be less aggressive", I can ask probing questions to see if we are viewing "her" on the basis of her skills….. Would a less competent male colleague still get that promotion or that award merely because "he" confirms to the norm?

 As a leader, I can and should also confront my own biases as a woman. In our obsessiveness to become competent professionals, women sometimes place the bar far too high for fellow women.  We are the ones who never apply for a job until we are 110% confident that we have gained all the skills for that role. Whereas our male colleagues generally hedge their bets when they have maybe reached a 70-80% confidence threshold. We cannot allow this behavior to overshadow our ability to lift other women. I need to do more on my part to ensure I am helping other women in my organization and while encouraging them to continue to strive for competence, also dissuade them from attempting for perfection. Tell me again, is there ever a perfect human being?

 To conclude, while we have made formidable progress in terms of women's basic rights as a society, there is a lot more to be done to truly level the gender gap. Patriarchal biases are deep rooted ranging from gender tropes popularized by the media, unconscious biases at the workplace, to cultural stereotypes perpetuated by past generations. We live in a world where an accomplished sportswoman like Serena Williams gets penalized for her anger on the court when male peers have said regrettably worse words and gotten away with a mere slap on their wrist. We live in a world where the United States, arguably the most powerful democracy in the world waited centuries to elect its first woman, first Black American, and the first South Asian American Vice President. As I complete 18 years in the IT industry, I have only had 1 direct woman leader who I reported to, only 1 Woman CIO and only 1 Woman Senior Vice President in my direct chain of leadership. Clearly there is more work to be done.   

 Women around the world are seeking to be judged on the basis of their competence and not on the basis of their gender. For women to thrive professionally it is important to see others that look/talk/think like them at all levels of the company. When a Rosalind Brewer ascends to the post of the first Black female CEO of a fortune 500 company, it gives all of us who are women of color the confidence that it can be done. With this women's day, we can all effect positive change. If you are working with a female colleague, go ahead and treat them as an equal on the basis of their competence. If you have the privilege to lead a team, strive hard to make it equitable. If you are blessed to have a woman in your life, contribute in meaningful ways that allow her and you to build a better future for future generations. In the words of Kamala Harris, “I may be the first woman to hold this office. But I won’t be the last.”

 An equitable world is a better world.  

 Happy International Women's day 2021 :)