Girl Where You Been? ADHD Healing and Partnership

Where have I been? I have been watching a ton of Living Single, Taking My 2-year-old to the Library, and Early Learning Classes for Families with Toddlers with ASD. ( More on that later). I have also been doing my best to support my husband and his family in dealing with a major health issue. Scolding myself for not fully being present. Deconstructing my views around what success looks like and realizing that I have so much healing to do.

Healing is active work. It is not done because you are able to walk away from the situation it is only done through acknowledgment, acceptance, and effort. There are so many things that I thought I healed from, but the last few weeks have revealed that I have simply distanced myself and moved on.

The most present thought is that I still have ADHD. Like no girl you really have it.

This is obvious to us all, right? I have a newsletter and Podcast dedicated to ADHD. I talk about how I have discovered things about myself and how I learn from others who are recently diagnosed. However, after not taking my medication consistently and ending up in a state of disappointment and overwhelm, I realized that acceptance of Neurodiversity would not solve my neurodiversity or solve other people's ability to understand what it really means.

As I mentioned, My Husband's family is dealing with Illness. It's been hard to try to be supportive at times because I honestly don't always know what he is feeling. I just can assume, and empathize. This isn't simply because I am Neurodiverse. My husband is a deep introvert and he doesn't truly express his emotions in full like I would. He retreats within himself when he is upset or fearful.

As mentioned in previous articles sometimes i don't always know how I should be feeling or how I am expected to show up. In this instance, I was trying to keep things light in our house and talk about other things. We seemed to be handling this uncertain time with laughter and surface-level conversation.

But then, while we just chilling on the couch watching TV, I let a selfish thought slip out of my mouth. We were planning to head back to Ohio, but we weren't solidifying plans. So I started making plans in my head, and I stated out loud, "Man I am never going to be able to get my hair done." My husband's mood shifted, though he said nothing. I knew I had made a mistake. I pushed him to say what he was thinking, and he had so much anger in his voice.

My immediate thought was to defend myself to not take the blame for letting out this thought that I really didn't think about prior to it coming out of my mouth. I was on a train of thought, thinking about the next few days ahead and trying to coordinate our lodging and budget and that thought just popped up and popped out. It led to a huge argument where I admitted I should have just kept the thought to myself.

Afterward, I realized I was defensive because it was hard to keep my thoughts to myself. I am an external processor. Things need to be discussed, written down and planned. I usually spew out most of my thoughts throughout the day. My husband just ignores me until he thinks it is actually time to engage. This can also cause issues within our communication. I complain that he doesn't listen to me, and he complains I never make sure I actually have his attention.

Additionally, I may say something random instead of the thought that I am thinking. Like calling out my husband's name when I am stuck in a loop of either painful or awkward memories. This is different than the first symptom and I believe is more related to Vocal Ticks and anxiety. However, this can also be confusing to my partner.

After interviewing my latest guest for the podcast, I realized that ADHD communication can be difficult between partners. He gave the example of him just saying something in another room and his partner stating that that was not an effective way of communication. When I heard this I finally understood what my husband was saying.

I love my partner. He has been a huge supporter and advocate for me, over these last 14 years. I think sometimes he forgets these symptoms even if I have explained them to him. Sometimes I fear that he may think I have more control of my mind than I actually do. In all honesty, I sometimes think this as well about myself, which is why I become frustrated and get defensive when it is pointed out.

Sometimes I just believe if I can accept having ADHD, Then it is already fixed. But there is no fixing it. No matter if in the past I have grinned and beared the hard things I still am who I am. And I have to actively work with my brain with the tools that I have been given. Such as slowing down, communicating with my partner, and explaining myself. Apologizing for actions that are hurtful and trying to be more thoughtful in situations. I have to own that this is not some character flaw as much as this is just my brain. I am not saying my symptoms are not an excuse but they are an explanation.

For myself, I have to be more understanding and less critical. I may say things or do things that come off as selfish, strange, or awkward. I have to be there to forgive myself when I make a mistake in communicating with my partner and others. When I was first diagnosed with ADHD had a sense of relief because I knew that I wasn't purposely messing up everything in my life. I had more compassion toward myself, and I need to remember to continue to be compassionate toward myself moving forward.