A Question for Men

A Question for Men

Have you ever complained about the time any woman has taken to get ready to go out? Have you ever felt frustrated by this time, or wondered how it could possibly take so long?

If you've never tried it, then you simply have no idea. The expectations (by society, by partners, by everyone) to look good, coupled with the imperfections which we all have, result in a perceived expectation of perfection.

Meet Sophie Sometimes

First let me introduce myself. I’m the occasional girl-mode alter-ego of my usual boy-mode self. I don't want to lose either; I do not seek to transform permanently, nor to banish girl-mode from my life. They are both part of who I am and they co-exist quite happily. They compliment each other. I’m happier in my day-to-day boy-mode when girl-mode gets its turn regularly too. Girl-mode has a very different personality, different challenges. It results in a far greater empathy for, and understanding of, the additional challenges faced by women than I ever achieved before letting her out to enjoy herself. She is headstrong, adventurous, and in so many ways quite a contrast with her boy-mode counterpart. It's quite the transformation between the two.

So let’s talk a bit about going out and the preparation this involves.

Mode Contrast

In boy-mode my process of getting ready to go out is to make sure that I am wearing an acceptably clean t-shirt, or casual shirt, or very occasionally a suit (but suits are really so very 2010s pre-Covid), check that I've remembered to put a pair of trousers on(!), put shoes on and leave. That's about 3 minutes or less barring disaster.

In girl-mode it can easily take me 4 hours, 5 hours or even 6 hours immediately prior to leaving, plus preparation the day before. Hair is a nightmare; so much to remove that it’s best done the day before. Plus even wigs present problems, especially if it's going to be windy out. “Windy” here is defined as “any wind at all”, so 1 or higher on the Beaufort Scale. Or should that be the Bouffant Scale? Hmmmm.

Clothing Choices

Ever turned up an event only to discover that someone else is wearing a suit too? Well.… of course you have. But it's different for those presenting as female, whether originally so, permanently transformed, or (such as myself) just temporarily: turning up wearing the same outfit as someone else is a terrifying prospect, and a terrible faux pas.

There is a whole complicated process of finding what you CAN wear (we all have “fat days”, but men mainly just don't notice them or just don't care) - what will fit, today. Then what will co-ordinate. Then filter out from the available choices those which are inappropriate for the event or circumstances. Then (usually silently) scream upon realising that this leaves you nothing to wear at all, and repeat the whole grim and depressing process from the start.

Dress To Impress

I have a wardrobe. It contains a suit (of sorts, see above, who wears suits any more since Covid?) at one end. And about 40 dresses. And that is NOWHERE NEAR enough. So many colours, so many styles, so few suitable for any given occasion, so very few able to be worn on a “fat day”. The decision alone of which to wear is enough to make one's head hurt, and can involve much trying on and self-hate & self-loathing when the “perfect” one doesn't fit today.

Footwear

OMG footwear. Boy-mode has a pair of “work shoes” – simple black leather shoes. Plus a casual pair (I don't even know the name for these – do they even have one?). Plus a pair of walking boots. In boy-mode even these three pairs feel kind of extravagant.

Girl-mode has (if we exclude the ones with broken heels, broken fastners, and ones which don't fit but are too nice to dispose of) ten pairs of shoes/boots, and this is NOWHERE NEAR enough. There are different colours, different heel heights, ones which are fantastic but can't be worn for more than a few hours without getting too painful. There are Court Shoes, Ankle Boots, Boots (of various lengths), Strappy Sandals (with different types of heels), and others. And these have to co-ordinate with the rest of the outfit, including a handbag because (in case you had never realised) there are NO POCKETS.

Skin-Care and Make-Up

All this takes trivial amounts of time compared with make-up. I've used professional artists who do a fantastic job of it in a mere hour or so. As a beginner, it takes me much longer. MUCH longer - the complexity of this process is incredible, and extends way beyond just application.

In boy-mode my skin-care routine was... well, there was absolutely none. It just looks after itself, right? After being nagged by my professional make-up artist and agreeing to the demands, I had to shamefacedly look up "exfoliation" to find out what it was. I also discovered that moisturising does not mean getting one's face wet. That actually came as a genuine surprise.

The application of make-up is far more art than science, but there's still plenty of science in it too. It takes me about 3-5 hours currently to get mediocre results – but practice makes perfect (or at least gives a passable result). It is lucky that most of the time it's dark when I'm out and about. Never under-estimate the concealing power of poor lighting, both outdoors and in dark nightclubs.

The complexity of make-up is right up there with rocket science. The required tools are wide ranging, the process of building up and blending layers and colours is bewildering, especially if one is generally as artistic as an average house brick.

“The Ayes have it! The Ayes have it!”

Eyes take forever; glue-on upper lashes are great but fiddly and require considerable practice. Get it wrong and you've glued your eyelids together. Or glued them open. Or the lashes become detached part way through the event and one only realises either when checking in a mirror or selfie camera (which has to be done frequently to maintain perfection or as close as is humanly possible), or when one wonders what that strange moth is doing floating in your drink. On one memorable occasion a girl noticed an escaping set of lashes working its way down my face and there, in a noisy badly lit nightclub and despite her very long nails, expertly re-glued them for me in seconds like it was a trivial process. I was left in awe at the skill displayed.

Mascara is effective for the lower lashes, but frankly an absolute bugger to remove and the second most likely giveaway the following day to work colleagues – although only the ladies will ever notice.

If you wear glasses for close vision, imagine trying to work on your eyes in a mirror, because you have to take your glasses off to get to your eyes. Good luck with that.

“You Use Evyan Skin Cream. And Sometimes You Wear L'Air Du Temps. But Not Today!” (Dr Hannibal Lecter)

The rest of the face skin takes forever. And must really be done after the eyes, because the eyes are so complex that you inevitably spill tiny spots of colour onto other parts of your face. This is neigh on impossible to remove unless the skin is otherwise bare.

The intricate process of building layers, selecting and blending colours, avoiding any hint of a visible edge, retaining symmetry, gently emphasising and de-emphasising, is all terribly complex. I won’t expand further upon this here, I can feel my PTSD on the verge of triggering already. Let's just draw a veil over that, obscuring the image of rivulets of sweat running down my face from the concentration and gently washing away the work-in-progress.

Lips

Lips are a have all their own complexities. Have you ever tried to eat or drink without touching your lips on anything? Try it! Some of the modern lip gels are quite good at not coming off all over everything, but it's a challenge and an ongoing stress when out. Remember those expectations I mentioned at the start? It's not only meeting those expectations to start with – it's maintaining perfect compliance with them throughout, all the way until home again. No pressure.

And ALL of this has to co-ordintate or at least not clash with the chosen outfit. Unless that is the desired effect of course. Boy-mode is so incredibly simple in comparison.

“Hair today, gone tomorrow”

Ahh hair. I've never had long hair, which I love the look of, so naturally this is what I want in girl-mode. Handling it is a painful and frustrating experience though.

To everyone with long hair: I salute your patience and endurance. It is unbearable in hot weather. It sticks to make-up. It gets in your mouth if you try to eat. It gets into food and drink. It tickles your face, which you cannot touch without risking severe damage to your make-up, or indeed to your skin if you forget you’re wearing acrylic nails. Any air movement, however small, sends it flying everywhere. – Me

On occasions recently I have worn short hair, and received some compliments, so maybe that is the way to go most of the time. Short hair reduces, but nowhere near eliminates, the above issues. But some of the Sometimes I will always want to wear glorious long hair.

Final Nail in the Coffin

Finally there are nails. 10 of them. Unless you're in open-toed shoes, in which event you've got to consider 20 of the buggers. Colour needs to co-ordinate with clothes and shoes and make-up. The choice of gluing on acrylic nails or painting the real ones takes some thinking about.

This is an area where my choices are more complex than those of someone who presents as female full-time. I almost always have to think about the next day, when back in boy-mode, so whilst acrylic nails can last a long time which suits me, he has to get them off before meeting anyone – sometimes easier said than done.

Gluing acrylic nails on is simple in theory but a nightmare in practice if you don't want them dropping off at the slightest tug when you catch them on something. Lots of people get them done professionally, which is expensive and not something I'd consider because of the need for him to remove them for the following day. But if you want nails longer than your own, then gluing is the way to go so self-applied acrylics it usually is.

Once on, many tasks become much more complex; in fact all the ones you do with your fingers. Need to open a soft drinks can? Good luck with that. Operate a touch-screen phone keyboard? Enjoy the frustration! (Or use a phone with a stylus). The simplest operation can become an opportunity to badly scratch yourself, bruise your nailbed, rip a nail off (hopefully just the acrylic part but hey no guarantees here), or generally fail to achieve the desired outcome whilst looking extremely silly into the bargain.

The glue used for acrylic nails is much stronger than that used for lashes. It should hold the nails firmly in place. Unless you have an air bubble trapped. Or unless you manage to stick your fingers together (which is painful at times). Or stick your fingers to something else, like a table, or the nail you're trying to apply, or your clothes. If you were using glue this strong for anything around the house, it would come with strongly worded warnings that you should wear gloves at all times and never ever get it on your skin.

Painted nails don't have the dexterity limitations, but if you have short untidy nails, they are not ideal. Plus there is still plenty of scope for chaos here too. “60 seconds” claims on the bottles (cough Rimmel cough and others) is right up there with “the cheque is in the post” because it is simply not true. I find it takes much longer, especially if you are not skilled at getting exactly right a thin and even layer. Remember the opening dialogue of “Four Weddings and a Funeral”? That's the sound of me, managing to transfer allegedly set nail varnish everywhere imaginable. Getting it in my hair, all over my hands, on the furniture, on my clothes. Pro Tip: never try to use a solvent to remove nail varnish from your (artificial) hair – it does not end well; just cut it out.

The Ensemble

The whole process is like some incredibly complex and challenging combination of an obstacle course and an endurance test, with logic problems thrown in for good measure.

I for one will never again feel the slightest frustration when my partner takes time to get ready. I understand what she is going through in a way that is very difficult to appreciate unless you have actually done it yourself. And she knows this too, which makes her more relaxed. Does it surprise you to know that she knows all about my girl-mode? It surprises some. She has just one cardinal rule: I must never look better than her, but there is zero chance of that ever happening.

“You can't understand someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes” is exactly right here. I suspect that you would never, without considerable practice, be able to walk a mile in my girl-mode shoes. But just appreciating the above experiences, even if you don't feel able to try it yourself*, may go some small way to achieving a greater respect and understanding between genders.

* You're really missing out, in my opinion, but each to their own of course.

#women #men #gender #consideration #understanding #girlmode #boymode